Brother David’s Testimony- How the Lord made A Priest Out Of Me

Testimony – How the Lord made a Priest out of  me? by Brother David of the Annunciation Franciscan Oblates of Mt. Carmel ; Sacred Heart Refuge Sangre de Cristo Mountains, New Mexico March 17, 2021 I dedicate this testimony to Mother Mary and Father Joseph, who have walked with me the whole way. 

Hi Heartdwellers, so I am not a cradle Catholic. I never knew what a priest was growing up ; I barely knew who Jesus was. I had heard of the Name. I did go to a Christian camp for two summers near Yosemite Valley and during one stay I had lost my inhaler; yet somehow never needed it for those two weeks. Several events in my life didn’t make sense until I could understand that God was operating miracles to awaken me to Truth.  For the couple of years that our family did attend services at a Presbyterian church in Los Angeles, I only understood church as the place where my Sunday School class made lunch for the elderly, and the role of Joseph in ‘Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat’ was given to a girl.  I went on a mission trip to Tijuana my senior year only because I had a crush on a girl who had signed up to go. I ate a burrito on the way back to Los Angeles and had violent food poisoning. 

The poison of lust was already in me. God was not present in our family; we were our own clan, very sheltered, and I was an extremely naive 18-year old when my parents sent me off to college on the east coast, very confident their firstborn son was on his way. An impressive job, magazine home, solid retirement portfolio, gourmet food and nice vacations were to be the measure of success for my life. Little did my parents know they were letting me loose in a playground of heathen foolishness. I had already displayed some unruly behavior as a kid growing up – petty theft, pathological lying, risk taking to impress friends and girls, ditching school. Minor offenses, you might say. But nothing was able to check my conscience enough to override an insatiable need for attention, peer approval and getting the girl. My parents are hard-working, faithfully married Americans who did everything to provide for their kids. But once I was given adult freedom, I pursued reckless and aimless ambitions in my 20s and 30s with such stupendous consequences ; sin was my compass. 

Does God look at that and say to Himself, well, I told them My foolishness is wiser, so, this guy would make a great priest ! If you had the patience to hear more details of my life before meeting Jesus, you would decide that I was the worst candidate for priesthood. I can say that the only thing that made me change my ways – was the constant pain and sickness that the poison of sin had injected into me. And I had a high tolerance for pain and suffering, growing up with severe and debilitating asthma and allergies. When life became too difficult I never reasoned that it was sin, but simply because I was just messed up, and that life was painful, and there was nothing you could do about it. I would simply pursue some other avenue of sin in the hopes that this new remedy would work.It never once occurred to me growing up what I wanted to do, and I suffered as a wandering spirit my whole life until knowing the Lord. My parents, very driven to provide their children with the best education, suggested what they knew each time I came back home, lost and confused, and this always involved more school. 

My young adult life spinned around in a cycle of academics, quitting jobs, and moving back home. By the time I was 30 I already had two masters degrees. TWO. In the last effort to find that career path so necessary to launch me into success, I put myself through night school to earn a Masters in Accountancy, then studied like a mad man to pass the very difficult CPA exams, and then spent a year with an audit firm to validate the license. 3 – years – of – torture. When I began the night classes at San Diego State University to earn the Masters in Accounting, the anxiety in me began to take on demonic proportions. I started to have horrific nightmares and began to see a dark shadow in my room at night. I would throw my pillow at it. I didn’t realize until much later that someone was astral projecting into my room and throwing curses at me. I wonder how many doors I had opened to give the enemy permission to torment me. I already regretted this new career choice but told myself there was no turning back. 

There was a point in all that mess where I ended up crying out to God, crumpled down on the floor in the middle of the night, asking, God if you’re there, if You’re real, please…help. I lifted my hands up to Heaven, this was my last attempt, the only hope left I found at rock bottom. I cried out everything left in me, I turned numb. And then, I heard His Voice. Not a still small voice, but a strong voice, audible, yet somehow that made no noise and that only I could hear. That moment convinced me of God, and after a year of looking for that accounting job in the 2009 economic crash, I finally received a job offer in France, with the #1 audit firmÉ.the same in which my Dad had become an invested partner, where he spent his whole career and became extremely successful. So I moved back abroad to France for the 3rd time in my life, in June of 2010. And the misery continued.

 In many ways the deception of the enemy grew even thicker, in that span of time between finding God and finding Jesus. But signs along the way and divine coincidences also began to occur that were a beacon of light compelling me forward. Predictable as it was, I got fired from that audit job after a year, and went to work in a Japanese restaurant in Paris. I would end up trying to start my own business a couple of years later in the food industry. These years were the most difficult – I saw everything come to the surface ; it was like all the darkness, lies, new age deception, godlessness and selfish, sinful pride manifested in a very real way, and I was fighting for dear life to wake up. A living nightmare if you will. It was horrific. Ironically, my business partner would be the first person to hand me the Gospel – the mystic Gospel of Jesus according to Maria Valtorta. I had also begun to watch accounts of near death experiences on the internet. The summer of 2015 was decisive – one morning while at the farmer’s market selling our product, began rounds of vomiting. I returned home later and couldn’t move ; I was on the floor in a fetal position, and sadness and grief welled up in me. 

This time, I cried out to Jesus – please Jesus, please come be with me, I need You, I need to be in Your Presence, I can’t do this alone. And the next day, He showed up as I discovered the Heart Dwellers channel, where I learned you could have an intimate relationship, conversation, and fellowship with Jesus, see Him, hear Him, and talk with Him. Jesus didn’t show up in my room that day in a physical manner, but Holy Spirit arrived with the tools I would need to learn how to always see the Lord, instead of hoping for a rare visitation or open vision. Oh my.. for months on end I cried. And thus began the process of deliverance, which is ongoing to this day, from all worldliness, sinful habits, unhealthy attachments, and misleading ways. At that time in life, I was about to sign an irrevocable 9-year lease for a storefront in France, and was to be soon engaged. The Lord appeared in a dream in which I was in the jewelry shop with my fiance picking out a ring. I turn to look out through the large display window to the street, and see Jesus standing outside. His puts His hands up around His eyes to peer in – He sees me there, and, crestfallen, walks away in sadness. I woke up right away to the grief and realization of His feelings. I felt like I was punched in the heart. It wasn’t easy, and it certainly wasn’t pretty, but I quit both relationships with my good friend / business partner, and girlfriend / fiancé. God had other plans for my life. 

One upside to living in the valley of death for so long is that once Jesus is Your Savior, you know it’s not the ‘new and improved me’ that you are living, but HIS life that has been given to you for free, totally undeserved, to live in for all eternity. I hear the Father talk to me sometimes, and I realize, He’s not talking about me but to His Son living in me. There’s just no room for smug pretense. God and I both know, life is not something I’m very good at. And He’s going to save my whole family of 2 parents, 2 brothers and 2 sisters because the black sheep of them all who was hand-picked by God – would never boast of being a Christian. ÒI peeled him off the floor and put a ring on his finger, and he will never forget that for the rest of his life, God would explain to you. But God didn’t just welcome me Home as the prodigal son that I am. When Jesus entered into life, or I entered into His, or we entered into Our Life, He gave me far-out promises, like becoming a priest. I didn’t know what that meant when He told me, but 5 years later, here I am, offering the Holy Sacrifice of Mass and going, how did I get here? It was a specific moment of sitting with the Lord, (thank you Heart Dwellers for teaching me), when He unveiled the calling on my life. 

The next five years were a maze of discernment weekends with religious orders, conversations with priests, monks, nuns and missionaries, and year-long service programs where I volunteered at Catholic churches. The first of such was under the auspices of the OFM Franciscans at St. Camillus parish, outside of DC. The second, with Our Lady of Hope in Philadelphia, through Catholic Social Services. At the end of 5 years of searching, I knew a great deal more about the differences between Benedictines, Franciscans, Dominicans, and diocesan priests, but I was more lost than when I had started. So much that I even gave up becoming a priest. I started packing my bags for Japan to be a missionary there. I had even bought my plane ticket. Funny thing along the way of getting lost – it’s where you and God meet. And this is where the story of my heavenly parents must be told to explain how I got here, to priesthood, in a religious order, doing the artwork I had also been called to do. It all fell into my lap, but let’s go back a few years. 

As I already mention, after I had given my life to Jesus, or rather, begged Him to come to earth to visit me, I was immediately led to the Heart Dwellers ministry, the next day. Clare’s messages at that time taught the Divine Mercy chaplet. I tell you what, when you’re at rock bottom and you’ve just cried out to Jesus to be saved, hearing about the Divine Mercy revelation was like seeing the Coast Guard pull up next to my shipwreck as I’m in the freezing, shark-infested waters, about to sink down. I started praying those chaplets like they were the ladder into the ship. I remember, literally, I would race to say as many as I could in the Divine Mercy hour. I was soon airlifted out of France where I was living at the time, in quite miraculous fashion, and brought back to America in a state of shell-shock. A providential friendship at a soup kitchen led me to attend worship services at a Presbyterian church. But the Divine Mercy devotion still kept shouting in my ear, “YOU NEED AN ABSOLUTION, YOU MISERABLE WRETCH, and so when the next Divine Mercy Sunday rolled around I went to a priest at St. Gabriel’s down the street. It took me several gut-wrenching days to prepare my confession and then, to my great dismay, was told I needed to become Roman Catholic to enter the confessional. Which I did. 

I was confirmed the following year in the Roman Catholic church at St. Patrick’s in Charlotte, NC. On Divine Mercy Sunday. Funny, today as I write this testimony we are celebrating the feast day of St. Patrick. Maybe he interceded to kick my rear hard enough to finally sit down and write this. The wonderful parish secretary there handed me a book, 33 Days to Morning Glory. Written by Fr. Gaitley of the Marian Priests of the Immaculate Conception, it summarizes the various consecration programs of 4 great saints, to prepare for total surrender of oneself to Jesus through Mary. I did, and from that point on I saw Mary grab hold of my hand and begin walking home with me. I consecrated myself to Mary on the feast of Her Immaculate Heart. She determined that of the 3 cities where I could have served with the OFM Franciscans, it would be in DC, because the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception is there, the national Shrine of the Catholic Church in America. Many Masses, confessions and hours of prayer spent there. 

After a year of service She then guided me to serve at Our Lady of Hope in Philadelphia. And when a car parked in front of the parish one day with the license plate, ‘Exodus’, I realized I was in the wrong place and knew I was supposed to be somewhere else. After a few last ditch, half-hearted attempts to become a priest, I had given up on that calling and figured, as aforementioned, that I would be a missionary to Japan. Little did I know God was literally going to allow a plague to descend upon my Egypt and guide me through the waters to the Promised Land of priesthood and religious life. While I was at Our Lady of Hope, I dedicated my Lent to St. Joseph and decided I would renew my consecration to him. Yes, after consecrating myself to Mary I wasted no time in doing the same with St. Joseph. At the time, I had been following a class by Kevin Zadai, online, in which he suddenly says, you will discover God’s destiny for your life this weekend. And guess what? I did. I heard from Clare that very Sunday. Palm Sunday in fact. Inviting me out to New Mexico to join a prayer community, sold out to Jesus. I said yes. In the midst of a global epidemic…surreal. 

The last vestiges of worldliness and attachments resisted, but I could see through the smoke and mirrors now, and knew I was being extended an incredible invitation to follow Him. And when I arrived, unbeknownst to me, was a community of priests to welcome me. The Franciscan Oblates of Mt. Carmel. That summer I was invited to profess my vows as a 3rd order Franciscan and a priest. It was suggested that I do so on the next Marian feast day – this was agreed to. What was that particular feast day, you might ask? – the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Mary and Joseph turned me into the priest God had decided to make of me, revealing the Divine Orchestration of Holy Spirit that makes me marvel each time I think about it. When I was lost, Jesus found me. When I lost my vocation, I was given it. God works in such mysterious and then surprising ways. And it’s a family affair. And I didn’t have to go to seven years of seminary! Phew. 

If I have this podium to share with you God’s Love and Divine Will, please let me bless with you this : God is bringing His Bride back to the garden, restoring His Church to the beginning. Nothing could be simpler and truer than living one’s vocation under the parental roof of Mary and Joseph. Nazareth is Heaven on earth. And the Holy Family is the safe refuge for all walks of life, not just priests. Recently, God reminded me of the promises He had given to me 5 years earlier, and that they had all come true. Now, He said, it’s time to graduate, to kindergarten.I understood – our vocations are not who we are, but what He does, and what He loves most about us is that we are simply His little, very needy children. One thing hasn’t changed since receiving the vocation of priesthood. My insatiable need for love and approval. It has only grown bigger, a huge chasm, that at times is agonizing. I used to be sin-sick. Now, I’m homesick. I long, I cry, for the Fatherland. I must confess, the first years as a Christian were not easy for me.

 I never could fully trust in God’s Mercy, even though He says, via St. Faustina, that the greatest sinner has the greatest right to My Mercy. I know that’s true – because I see what God did to restore me. Intellectually I understood what was happening.  Scripturally, it was all lining up.  This is God Who loves me. But my heart couldn’t come to peace with His terms of contract. This is free, and forever? But then, the companion I had always been hoping for showed up. Her name is Mary. 

It is through Her motherly love and heavenly intercession, both of which are very real, and very available to everyone, that I found the relief in my heart and the ability to trust in Jesus  through Her. I don’t have the guts to go to Him directly. I’m no saint.  I’m a momma’s boy. Always have been, and always will be. I will not expound upon theological tenets or provide further miracles to convince you. All I will say to you is that God took a dead man, put him in the arms of Mary, and turned that pig-pen sinner into a priest. That should be enough to pique your interest, and from there, if you want to learn more about Her, Mary will reveal how much She loves you. And yes, I capitalize She, because She is My Queen. My Mother is the Queen of Heaven. I boast in that. I hope you will too. May the Holy Family of Nazareth keep you, watch over you, guide you, and bless you. And praise! the Lord God, Our Father, Our Savior, bless Him! for His immeasurable Love and Mercy. Amen 

Gave Up My Life To Jesus

It is only the Lord who could’ve done this and continues to write this amazing story as I am no longer a bystander but I stand back in awe as His story through me continues to unfold before my eyes. As he led me to leave the world and follow him to NM. He has given me the desire of my heart. HIMSELF!! To officially become his Bride in a deeper walk of faith and commitment as I took my relgious vows and professed my vocation as a Franciscan Sister, Third Order. ( I will do a video about that later on what that entails) I am so humbled to share this journey and wedding ceremony with you all. In worship 2 days ago the Lord played a song from Lecrea ” Tell the World” and the lyrics say ” Ima tell the world ,tell the world I am brand new” So I am! lol A. LOL As Fransician sister my life will be living out the gospel, in intimacy with Jesus and holy life with him. As I have taken life vows of poverty, obedience, chasity (faithfulness to God), substantial prayer, substantial solitude. I pray this will be an invitation for many as I know there will be many more who will come after me. For this narrow road is available to anyone desiring to walk in holiness, truly die to themselves, completely to their past, their flesh and be completely crucified with Christ. To become a new creation in Christ and that is what I have become. The former things have passed away and behold the new has come. No longer Nana but now Mother Mary Elisha given to me by the Lord (mother of souls.) I am so humbled and eternally grateful to the Lord and his tender mercies and graces that got me here. All glory to Him!!. This is Part 1 and will be posting Part 2 tomorrow. Thank you for all your prayers God bless and love you guys!

-From Jesus With Love


To The Mountains We Go: Sacred Heart Refuge




“This is going to be an international community that will come and go and stay small and intimate. They come to catch the Fire, then return to their own countries with Me to light a fire in their homeland”
– Jesus
(Still Small Voice: Messages An International Community)

I have been gone for a bit , okay a long while lol Due to a new change in direction for me. After waiting and waiting for so long the Lord has directed my feet to Taos, New Mexico to be apart of a praying community. This was truly a suprise to me when the Lord called me and wanted me to leave immeaditley. You see I now look back and recognizing he had been forming me a while for this. My walk with him began to get a lot more narrower with him during the end of March going into lent. Where I noticed he began to pull me away from public ministry and even stop me doing the outreaches I do once a month. At first I contended …as I always do then I began to yield still not understanding why or what he was doing. Then during lent he really began to have me pull away from the world altogether and not allowing me to go out even to ministry events but to only stay at his feet in prayer day and night. So after about a month an a half of this I began to get “cabin fever” I realized okay Lord your sanctifying me for sure in preparation for this next season.  Which I had my own plans about but I am learning to stop having expectations and plans with Jesus it never works out, you think I would’ve learned by now lol but nope so this all came at a surprise.

When in the beginning of May on Still Small Voice Channel, which is a ministry I am apart of and the ministry that has helped me to grow in intimacy with the Lord and even began this blog the Lord began to call out to those he had “chosen” to come to a refuge on a mountain. To leave the world and live a life of solitude and prayer with him for a time. Now upon me seeing the title I was immeaditly and utterly repulsed and I am being serious! I had been in doors for so long I was ready to get out! I was ready for the Lord to give me the green light or show me what he was preparing me for and I was sure it was going to be so exciting not deeper place into more prayer and solitude lol. I know I sound so terrible for being honest but I must be to show the grace and mercy of God. I found myself again feeling the calling strongly and recognizing that is what he was molding me for but I didn’t want it all. Has anyone struggled with surrender like me?

In the prophetic message he had made it clear that we were previlaged for this and many of us he was calling higher to a life of prayer and deeper intimacy with him. That it would be a place where we grow in discernment, in hearing his voice more clear and walking in gifts like healing and spiritual wisdom. I had got ordained a few months prior but, I hadn’t really told anyone about it. However, when I felt this call from the Lord I reached out to Mother Clare  who is my spiritual director and the head of the still small voice ministry she too confirmed that the Lord was calling me there after telling her some of the rhemas I had received. She then told me to seek the Lord and I got

Luke 5:11
And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him.

My card was a little revised and said ” Don’t Fear leave everything and follow me…from now you will catch men”


I was floored and struggled with this for 2 days crying because I didn’t realize how attached I was to my family, ministry and to be honest the world. Was I really ready to leave the world behind and plus Jesus didn’t tell me about this! lol I had plans you know not only for my life but I thought for the rest of the year but when you are walking with Jesus you must follow wherever he leads when he leads. So after about two weeks of rebellion and oppression I finally committed to leaving. The Lord had told me earlier before lent starting that he was going to began speaking to me everyday which he did and he said “everything will come against the words I am speaking to you…everything” and in deed EVERYTHING CAME AGAINST THIS CALL.

The Lord being so faithful he had already gone ahead of me, you see in the beginning of the year he surprised me by having one of my youtube follower reach out to me and bless me with a buddy pass for a whole year. She works with united airlines and felt the Lord putting me on her heart to travel anywhere in the world for FREE!! I couldn’t believe and I told the Lord ” I guess were traveling this year!” . Once again I had my own plans of where I wanted to go and when but as you know the Lord had HIS own plans for me. So when I finally made up my mind I knew the Lord wanting me to immeadilty, to obey immediately as the discipled did. I now see in his great mercy that was a second chance to the call of God. He could’ve have left me back in Texas when I resisted for those two weeks but he was so ever patient and waited. So I gave my family about a 2 day notice and told them  I was not finally leaving to follow Jesus to New Mexico. I took one bag because he had told me too “take nothing with you for the journey”


Luke 9:3 He told them: “Take nothing for the journey–no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt.

Its amazing how scripture comes to life when you are following Jesus and I he had already a ticket provided so I traveled for $0.00. AMAZING! However, Everything I mean EVERYTHING came against this call. My entire family, all my “good christian friends”, Pastors you name it. I was getting calls all over the day I was leaving and text message to not go, its dangerous, tremendous slander against the ministry all of hell used the closest people to me to detour me from coming. However, walking with Jesus I know when immense opposition comes against a direction of God it further validates for me that is right where I need to be. There was only one person on my side, with Jesus and all of heaven.

Once I finally touched down in the airport across the security lines I felt a peace I couldn’t explain and I knew Hell had lost again another battle “for nothing can oppose the will of God”.  I had the most amazing encounters with people at the airport and would love for you all to be praying for the salvation “Wayne- a new ager looking for truth and Kathy-homosexual lady looking for truth. They were wonderful souls and divinely appointed by the Lord. Upon arriving in Taos, New Mexico it was breath taking seeing the beautiful mountain and it was more beautiful when I was finally able to go and stay on the mountain as we build the community.

The Lord had given this vision to Mother Clare 20 years ago that she would be taking a group of young people with a torch then seeing them on fire thru the woods. This prayer mountain has been anointed by Saint Elijah the prophet himself to be consecrated Holy ground and a place for refuge for the remnant as well once the tribulation starts. The Holy Prayer mountain will be available for visitors next year to come and have retreats by groups/churches or personal time of solitude for anyone who wants to draw closer to Jesus and indeed of spiritual council. For those who are called there now we will have our very own hermitages in the mountain separate from one another to be alone with the Lord. It is quite amazing up there, so peaceful the air so clean and truly a place of respite. So to the mountain I go with me and Jesus walking on this crazy adventure called “Life” as He writes His story within me for his glory!

Below I have a link to some video footage I have done on my youtube channel and a prophet message from the Lord about that place. Please visit our website


When All You Have Left Is To STAND & Worship

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Sometimes the greatest battle we tend to fight, is not only on our knees but in surrendered worship; praising our way through whatever storm or valley we find ourselves, fortifying our heart in praise as we face opposition. If I can be honest, that can be difficult and many times  it isn’t easy to muster up the courage to execute what God’s grace has already made provision for.

The Lord has called me to be an intercessor and has given me the opportunity to intercede for our nation on many occasions. This, is to turn world events round  so as to enable the lord pour out his mercy, giving lost souls the opportunity to come into his kingdom. Many times as an intercessor you may not see the fruit of your labor immediately, but the small victories seen makes it feel like your prayers really do matter. However, when you have been contending for a long time and not seeing any breakthrough, you can  and may get weary. That is when you STOP, STAND! and just worship, knowing that the Lord is indeed fighting your battle.

I have been contending for my family for a while and many times in battle it seems the fight get fiercest when you get on your knees. Many people become perplexed and start thinking “but Lord I have been praying about this, why has all hell broken loose?”. That’s just the thing, before you weren’t advancing towards the enemy’s camp, but now that your prayers are hitting its mark  and started gaining grounds, then the enemy will always have a retaliatory attack. These retaliatory attacks are used to SHAKE your faith.

Let us ask ourselves a question, what happens when everything you pray against happens, then what? The enemy wants you to believe your prayers aren’t working, there is no point of pressing in, God has forgotten about you or worse,that God is not good. As a believer we must know how to stand. Doing all that we know how to do…………….we must STAND and know that he right there with us.

Ephesians 6: 13

Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and having done everything, to stand.

STAND on the rock, STAND on Gods promises, STAND declaring the goodness of your Father, STAND in prayer, STAND in surrender, STAND in love, and STAND in praise. That  which He said  He will indeed do. Being the oldest girl of 6 girls I’ve come to realize the Lord has set me apart to STAND in the gap for my family and  for the family of Christ. That comes at a cost and it will cost me everything, cost me a life laid down completely dead to self that Christ can live. Oh! how hard it has been carrying this designer cross Jesus made just for me. The many tears I have sown, the many disappointment, the many scars I have acquired to carry this cross and follow Jesus. It can be difficult when you cant see what is ahead but only remembering that God said he would work all things out for our good (Romans 8:28).  He said that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy (Psalm 126), He said to rejoice in hope, be patience in tribulation and persistent in prayer (Romans 12:12), He said that when you have suffered for a little while he will restore you, establish you and strengthen you. To STAND for Christ is to STAND in the Gap, To STAND for the anointing will cost you everything. Just as Christ in his suffering of carrying cross  was not dismayed, for there was much joy and greater victory set before him. We as his joint heirs should do same. When we give our lives over to the Lord to be a living sacrifice that is indeed worship!

So, what have you been standing for? If you have been weary, tried, cried all that you could cry, discouraged, despondent, frustrated, just feeling like giving up……………….. my friend DON’T! STAND!  God wants to use you to mend what has been broken in your bloodline, in your generation, in your community and in your nation. Don’t give up, stand and when you have done all that you can do to stand…………… worship him for he is working it all out for your good and for his glory!


-From Jesus with Love

Powerful testimony had me in tears and encouraged me how the Lord will indeed redeem all things!


Unashamed of God’s Strict Love



Romans 5:5
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I’ve come to realize God has a ‘strict love” over me. You may ask what is strict love….I didn’t even know there was such a thing. However its when God has you hedged in finely. He has called me to a life of closeness with him that requires  a great measure of self control and discipline which is all done by his grace of course. However  in this ‘”strict love” many times I found myself complaining, not understanding, pouting, honestly upset wondering why I couldn’t do what others could do. The holy spirit would restrict me from going to certain places., spending my time and using my money selfishly, watching and listening to certain things that many times other Christians could do and feel no conviction. The Holy Spirit had a way of cutting my heart so quickly, convicted me, correcting me swiftly and calling me to himself immeaditley.  The Lord would remind me….you are mine and I am jealous for you.

Exodus 20:5
You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God,

I remember me and my young sister used to talk about it as we would laugh and say man with the Lord we cant get away with nooooothing! lol Now looking back I see how foolish it was to despise or even resent such a beautiful grace and privilege to be called into a close intimacy with the Lord. I cant lie it hasn’t been easy, actually it has been so difficult and painful. The process of dying to yourself and the Lord taking away every attachment you have so that it may seem you have nothing but most importantly you have him. These past few months, well honestly pretty much my entire walk with the Lord has been scrutinized, criticized and judged by people. Many times close family and friends which seem to hurt the most. Every night I cast it on the Lord and ask him to heal my heart so I may love purely but then another arrow is shot and I am hurting again. The past few weeks have been more so as I began to get remarks for how I look now. I found myself deeply hurt by peoples comment towards me and insecurity and fear made a flight as they both walked through this open door I made by taking my eyes off of Jesus. Once again I found myself defending the call of God on my life or trying to have them understand the call…Gods “strict love” so often that I just stopped answering and talking about Jesus.

It happened this past weekend and when I got home I felt grieved in my spirit. It hit me, that oh my goodness, Nana you have become ashamed at what God has done and is doing in your life because of the reaction of men. So I immediately when to get a word from the Lord  from my rhema box ( a deck of cards with scripture I use to get a word from the Lord) and he gave me the scripture above Romans 5:5 and in big bold letters said SHAME. I burst into tears because I realized how I had hurt Jesus, me out of all people being ashamed of him. I didn’t realize in this way I was ashamed to tell others of God’s “strict love” in fear of what they would say or think. Rather than proclaiming to my family and friends Look what God has done in my life. He has set me free!! but I had become in bondage to them and their thoughts. So as I prayed I asked the Lord to heal my heart and wash away the lies that I held captive as truth that I would be no longer ashamed of what God has done or what he has called me too!

So the Nana of above was full of pride,  allowed self-will to rule, vain glory,  full of ambition, greed and the big hypocrite. I ran to others for opinion, advice and direction. I was in bondage to food and lust of the flesh,  compulsively whatever I felt at the moment. I would constantly show of my body and flaunt “assets’ to get attention from men. I prayed when I felt like it. Would party hard on Saturday and go to church Sunday. I lived in compromise and thought there was such a thing as a “grey area” in Christianity so was okay with other living the same way. When I didn’t pray I would pray concerning MY WILL. MY wants, MY desire, MY plans and expect him to bless it because of course my desire was Gods desire right. This Nana wanted to be a “STAR” a mogul in the making looking up to celebrities,  the entertainment life and the WORLDS height and measure to success in life. I wanted to be rich and successful to honor my family …..but this Nana was still in darkness, lost and headed to destruction……


If it wasnt for the saving Grace, Mercy and strict love of the Lord this WOMAN wouldn’t be standing before you today. So let me proclaim UNASHAMED of what my God, Jesus Christ has done. I now cover myself in respect for him and my other brothers so no one will fall into lust . For he has called me to himself to walk in intimacy with a beautiful strict love over me so I don’t wander far off even if I wanted too. He has shown me his face and his love in ways I cant imagine and I am utterly undone by the Jealous love my beloved has for me. He has called me to a high calling of lowliness, hiddeness, holiness and holy poverty.  He has called me lay down my life to serve all man, walk in humility instead of pride. He called me to seek HIS Divine will in every decision and area of my life. He has set me from bondage of food, lust of the flesh and worldly attachments. He has me living the hidden life where many may not understand but what only HE says and does matter. He has called me to imitate his life, by living to give everything away sowing into kingdom whiles living for eternity instead. I live for the audience of the “courts of heaven”. I have finally become a STAR…in my Heavenly Fathers eyes which is the only eyes that matters the most. This Nana was pulled out of darkness into the marvelous light of Christ and is set free and being set free….I am no longer ashamed but I AM UNASHAMED!!! THANK YOU JESUS

-From Jesus with love