Prepare Your Heart, I Am Coming

October 15, 2021

Hey Family, this is Rainbow.

Mother Elisha asked me to share an experience I had with you a few days ago that was eye-opening to me. I pray that it will encourage you to prepare your hearts, and to prepare your households, to try to be ready, and also to be busy about his business, and that you at least will try to keep up spending time with him as it is needed more than ever right now.

I had a really weird out-of-body experience. I went to bed close to 7AM that morning. I was closing my eyes. The last thing I told the lord was that I was going to get some rest. The next thing I know it felt closer to 12 noon and I could feel myself lying on the bed next to my kids who were asleep as well. I don’t know how I could tell but I was deep in sleep. My spirit, however, was awake. At one point I actually felt like I was sitting up on the bed, but I knew I was lying down. All of a sudden in the spirit I could hear a loud trumpet sound and then this burning desire or fire shot me in my chest. I heard a voice saying to me;

“Prepare yourself! Prepare your heart I am coming.

I could sense in my spirit that the voice was asking me to get my household ready as well. It kept saying, “Prepare your heart, and prepare yourself. I am coming soon.” The fire grew stronger in my chest, and I knew the voice was urging me to that I must tell others. So twisting and turning in the bed physically, I kept saying, “How, how do I tell them?” And in the spirit, I saw myself sharing it on our ministry Facebook page and wherever we had followers. I was urging them to prepare themselves, but I was also seriously pressing in the fact that they should continue to do the work God called them to do, and be serious about it.

After that, I blacked out again and woke up again at 3:59PM, completely disoriented. When I went outside to get my child some milk, my husband came outside. He, all of a sudden, began telling me about the Rapture and being convicted of his sins. He said to me, he too got up from his bed in the spirit but the felt something pulling him back from doing so because his body was asleep, lying down physically.

What is ironic is that we both were asleep around that time in the morning, but in different rooms. He said he got up in the spirit because I was yelling over to him that I was hearing trumpets and his heart started palpitating. It was like his spirit was saying, “Now? Already?”

I only hear about these things on YouTube or TV or from great prophets. I never thought something like that could ever happen to someone like me. Even if it were to happen, which it did, I am the least likely person to speak up about it because things like that are scary. The first thing you think is, what would other people think? Would anyone believe you? This was a needy warning to me, and I knew I need to share it somehow, even it if wasn’t in a message. I still needed to share it. Only the Father knows the time or the hour and only He can make the call for the Rapture. But here and there we tend to get lax of expecting it and we go back to normal. And so, sometimes he sends us urgent messages like this, to ignite that urgency back in us again, to be vigilant.

So even though we not when Jesus will come, let us please strive be prepared to meet him—to pray for and prepare our households and to continue to be diligent to the work that He has called us to do—to keep up with our prayers and time with him so that when he does come, he will find us doing something and not just sitting around and waiting. Let us be vigilant like we only have two days left, and work as though we have a decade left.

And as a side here, that same day I revisited an old video I watched a little after I got saved. It is about the day of judgment when we stand before God.

I really think you guys should watch it to really help you to get back on track with preparing. It’s called the “White Throne Judgment,” and it’s a snippet of it taken from an audio theater performance done by John Bevere. The link is in the transcript below [ https://youtu.be/Vwdfa3U9PtQ ] and I hope that it really helps you guys.

I love you guys so very much. May we all be ready for his coming. God bless you guys until the next video. Later.

Journal Entry: Graces are Falling, Don’t Waste Them

October 15, 2021

Hello, brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family. 

The Lord and Blessed Mother have asked us all in the community to begin journaling. If I can be honest, I haven’t been doing that at all. I usually rely on the Lord for messages instead. I used to journal all the time in the beginning of my walk with Jesus even before trying to hear his voice. I would share and pour out my heart to him. I would write down what songs he played, what he was telling me through the lyrics and the Rhemas and get counsel from that. Today in worship he played a song called, “Journal.” It couldn’t be any more clear. But did I listen? Nope. Prayer went long, and after receiving him I just didn’t hear anything. 

Many times the Lord can speak in two ways. First, by him beginning the conversation—by giving you a flood of thoughts to your mind that you want to write down. Or the other, which I am so not keen on, is you first beginning the conversation, then sitting in silence waiting on him to speak. 

After we began our day, one of the girls came excitedly that she had finally journaled today and heard from the Lord. The things she said stirred my heart aflame because I had an amazing time in worship as I cried just longing to really connect with Jesus and so full of thanksgiving for turning my heart back to him. It felt like I was in love all over again and I was so hungry for his love. However, after receiving him and I didn’t hear anything, I went about my day a little bit sad and wondering if it was a cross that I wasn’t hearing from him, or I was just being lazy in stirring up my gifts. I got a Rhema that said, “The future is with the disciplined” and I thought the Lord was wanting me to get to work since I have so much to do and feels like so little time to do it all. So I continued on with my day until the moment one of the sisters came running in excitement about her journal entry. I was so excited for her— but felt sad inside (sigh) because I missed Jesus. We then had to do the Divine Mercy hour and I went into my room to grab Jesus’ Eucharist and I decided to pull another Rhema. It said, “The graces are falling down upon you. Don’t waste them.” I thought, ‘Wait, hmmm, could this be about me pressing in to journal and hear His voice?’ Because it had been a few days. So when we sat down to pray, I stared at Jesus in the Eucharist. My heart began to burn, wanting to just leave prayer and journal with the Lord. Once we were done, I hurriedly jumped up and told Sister Therese, I think the Lord wants to speak to us all, and for her to journal too. So I ran into my room with excitement, to speak to Jesus in this most intimate way, which I haven’t done in months. Getting a message is one thing, and journaling is another. When I journal, I get to be me, free, and just pour out my heart to Him. And that’s exactly what I did.

[I began to journal]

“Good afternoon, Jesus. Today is such a beautiful day outside and I had such a wonderful time in worship. I feel as though my love for you has been renewed. You blew upon the embers of my heart, Lord, and turned my gaze back to you. I love you, Jesus, a thousand times over. Words can’t describe the thank you(s) that you deserve for what you have done—for what you have saved me from and what you broke in me to fill me with. [I started crying at this point]. Thank you so much for your loving gaze, your loving grace, and your loving mercy towards me. Jesus, I say I do, not at the altar to renew our wedding vows, but at the sacrificial altar. I lay myself down to be all yours. I no longer belong to this world. I have written my divorce decree and I divorce the world an all its pleasures and lies. I divorce my race, I divorce my family, I divorce my culture, I divorce my country, I divorce my family name and take on yours. Because I belong to something much higher. I am a citizen of heaven and you just happened to place me here, in this world, in this country, in my family, in my race, in my culture—but I no longer find my identity in that. Only in your love, Jesus. Transform me, shape me, mold me, and allow me to swim in your love, Lord. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve journaled and I’ve missed you, Lord. Such a deep longing to just converse with you as intimate friends—not just to get a message, but to hear from you. Please forgive me for my laziness. I realize I still have a lot of fear because although I’m making an effort to let all of my dreams and promises go, they are still in the back of my mind. And I don’t want “myself” to get into any message. So I have been waiting for you to speak to me rather than me waiting on you, to hear from you. Okay, I’ll stop now, Lord. Is there anything on your heart?

[Jesus] “My beloved one, you can go on, and on, and on…you can never bore Me with your love notes. Oh, how my heart is inflamed and stirred to passion for you when you speak that way to me. Never stop my little one. I am God, but your spouse as well. And I too long to speak with you as intimate friends daily. Not always to give you a message, but to bring you counsel, and more importantly to give you peace. Please, will you come daily and journal your heart to me? You thoughts and meditations. I am here to listen and direct you. 

“And remember, even some of the most intimate journal entries can still feed our children. They will know what a loving spouse they, too, have, and will stir their hearts to come to sit with me. So, I’m glad you’re here. I need you to be more disciplined in this area, my dear, for you are now a mother and many little ones rely on your milk to be sustained. And others, the meat that you give them. So just keep coming, just keep coming…., remember?” [He said that smiling]

(As I laughed because it was a jingle from the movie, Finding Nemo and he said the same thing to me when I started hearing from Him months ago.)

[Mary Elisha] “Yes, Lord, I do. It’s amazing how everyone is hearing from you, now. Mostly everyone in the community. Thank you, Lord, for such a gift.”

[Jesus] “You’re welcome, My little one, and many more graces have fallen and are falling upon you all. The grace of self-denial is one. You can feel it within your body, the desire to not really eat, but only when hunger permits. That is a grace given to you. And I see you’re slowly catching on, and slooowly responding.” [As he smiled, saying that]

[An Aside] It’s so true, guys. I found myself for the past few days, not hungry at all until after 3 pm or even later. I’m such a morning breakfast person. I have to have that to start my day. But now I wake up feeling so full. First, I thought something was wrong but noticed my desire to eat was getting later and later as I thought, could this be a grace from the Lord? Blessed Mother had given me a reading once about it. That when the Lord gives his grace, many times we submit to our nature rather than corresponding to it such as eating. 

Jesus gives you the grace to feel full but rather you submit to your nature and eat anyway, not thinking it was a grace from the Lord you missed. And I had never thought of that. But now it had become apparent. As I began to speak to others in the community, many were going through the same feelings and not really feeling hungry anymore until much later.

[Mary Elisha] “So yes, Lord. Sorry, many times I think my body just needs it.”
[And Jesus chimed in] “Your flesh you mean?”
[Mary Elisha] I laughed. “Yes, very true, Lord. My flesh.”

[Jesus] “And your body is just fine without it because you have been given food from heaven and a grace that has sustained you to deny yourself instead. Adhering to those graces really pleases Me, My beloved one. All of this is in preparation for what is to come and the destiny that lies ahead. There will be many times when food will be scarce. And many more times when I’ll have you give your food to another who’s literally dying of hunger who has need of nourishment and I want you to be so detached from food that it won’t be an issue for you, as you trust Me to sustain you. The Father’s Will, will be your only desire and food, okay my little one?”

[Mary Elisha] “Ahh, I see, sure, Lord. I know you’ll help me. Whatever you desire, help me to do it.

Lord, what about all of these responsibilities? Please help me to prioritize. It’s been so exhausting each day, thinking about the things that I must do.  I feel like I’m always lagging behind and trying not to feel overwhelmed, and then always getting laziness in the Bible Promises when it feels like I’m working overtime right now.

[Jesus] “Well, all of this is great suffering—your exhaustion, weariness, the pain in your body—you have offered yourself as a living sacrifice. And I have taken you and many others up on that offer. So continue to offer that struggle to Me, Beloved, but don’t allow that to hinder you one bit. If I give you a cross, I give you the grace to not only to carry it but to do all that I demand of you while carrying the cross. The most important thing, Beloved, is hearing from me every morning. Make an effort because I will guide you day by day. Don’t look any longer, far off into the future of things that are going to happen, and the mission as I have made it clear to put it on the back burner for now. Things will begin to happen rapidly in your nation and it’s so important that you follow My steps day by day.

“Right now, what is a priority is getting the food items situated. Work on that these next few days and get the pool cleaned out as Mother Clare instructed you. That is very important. Although many times you don’t understand her counsel, the promptings are from Me. You all don’t have much time. But I have listened to the cry of your heart and will give you a few more days of decent weather so as not so arduous on you all.”

As an aside here, Mother Clare has asked us to fill up the empty pool with water because she believes that a sandstorm is coming that will contaminate all of the water sources. And we can use that as our cistern here and for the community. Then we had a sudden snowstorm sneak up on us two days ago. There were so many accidents in the city, and we had an entire blackout the whole night in the city. It was freezing. It felt like a little taste of what is to come. So we realized how unprepared we were and also how desperately we needed more time and good weather to get everything done. Because it’s so hard to work in the cold. So this morning I was asking Jesus to please give us some good weather so we can get all of this done.

[Jesus continued] “Continue to work together as a team and you’ll finish in no time. I have angels stationed to help you both get what you need for the winter.”

[Mary Elisha] “Lord, all of the food hasn’t come in yet. And then I have the messages and things that need to get done for the ministry. Can you please help decipher through all of these things daily?”

[Jesus] “Do not become anxious or overwhelm yourself, Little one. Day by day, remember?”

[Mary Elisha] “Today is almost gone.”

[Jesus] “Work on the messages, and tomorrow, begin what you can with the pool. We’ll leave it here for now and come to me again tomorrow to get further instructions. But let’s do this day by day and together.”

[Mary Elisha] “Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much. Love you, Jesus.”

[Jesus] “Love you, my beloved bride. Put your doubts aside.”

And that was the end of this journal entry.

So, my beloved family, the Lord is wanting me, well, all of us, to share our journal entries. It’s an intimate look into all of our hearts. Although the Lord may not be directly speaking to you, you can hear his voice speaking to you through our situations and struggles. So you will be hearing more journal entries from Sister Therese, Mother Magdalen, and Sister Ruth. And I pray that this inspires you all to journal again. Because the graces are falling on you all as you allow him to write his words on your heart. 
 
God bless you until the next message.

Journal Entry: “Love So Valued”

A Dialog with Sister Therese
October 15, 2021

Hello, dear Heartdwellers. May you all be blessed with the most precious gift of God.

Mother Elisha and I were praying the Rosary and at the end, she said her heart was burning —burning to journal and speak with the Lord again. She wanted to rush herself and pour her heart to Jesus as in old times, so to say. “Go ahead!” I said to her, and she suggests to me that I too would try that out and who knows, the Lord might give us a surprise and speak to all of us today. [Laugh]

So I went and I opened my computer and instantly I remembered what day it was today, and joyfully I said to Mother Mary,

“Aww Mamma, I just remembered today in our Orthodox side is the Feast Day of The Covering Of Mother Of God, her protective covering!!” [ro: Acoperamantul Maicii Domnului] And I said, “Happy Day in Heaven, Mamma.”

She replied right away, “Thank you, Darling.”

I began to pour out my thoughts and heart to her in surprising joy and cheer at that moment.

“Oh Mom, (if I may call you like that,) I keep pondering these few days how the Lord has fulfilled so many things I had desired before – in a major scale, so to say! I kept dreaming of marrying JESUS, and he finally did it, down here! Wow! I kept wishing to sit and listen to Papa Ezekiel and to know him as a person. And here I am, on this mountain and in Taos. Oh, Mother! The blessings of the Lord! I even recalled how I wished to be before Jesus’ Eucharistic face in real-time (not through a picture or online), and just sit at his feet and gaze at him, think and contemplate him— and here I am now. And on top of that, being made an Adorer Priest…Wow!”

[Blessed Mother] “And they just keep coming!”  I heard. “Truly, they do. The Lord’s heart burns with longing desire to have His faithful ones near his longing heart. To just merely sit and talk and listen to his aching longing heart. Or to happily stare at him lovingly in deep contemplation. His need for love is so great: the love of a soul. Really. Although a King, with all riches at his feet and in his hands, the ones who touch his heart are the little ones—humans. 

“So great and majestic is our God, but he deeply longs for that honest love a soul could give back to him. A love that is so cherished in the courts of heaven. So valued in the eyes of all. 

“When one touches the surface of God’s immense love for a soul, the soul in return is set on fire so much that she too is willing to lay herself down for her God, who laid HIMSELF down for her salvation willingly and freely. One could only experience this true burning love only when in touch with the True God who Himself is the Source of all things of Love. 

“Oh…! His love…!” I sensed a strong stirring and deep emotion rise up, that belonged to her actually and that feeling was imparted to me.

“Ever burning,” she continued, “ever pure, never forceful, ever sympathetic and true.”  She continued softly and adoring him as she spoke. “Oh His Love that sets free the captive, that feeds the naked and hungry, the destitute and the forsaken. His love runs deep! Deeper than human scales could measure and imagine. Truly! There is no end to it. 

“His love pours out for souls, and he desperately desires that it is received, in whatever way he desires to give it.”

At that moment I stopped briefly. I had to gather myself and rebuke irritation over too many words spoken in such a short time. (Yeah!) This is just one of the things that I see in the Mirror of the Lord, that I have. It is a certain irritation over rashness when too many words are spoken in a certain time span. I feel rushed so I had to calm myself down. [Laugh] …!  

So, soon after this, I had to gather myself and think of his love and our marriage. And I said, contemplating;

“Finally Jesus, you have married me. Forgive me of my impatience of now.”
“I forgive you.” He said with kind understanding.
“Forgive me too, Mamma!”
“Forgiven too!” She replied gently.
“Thank you.”

Jesus took over and continued,  “But yes, finally my dear: we are wed now. And you’re a delight for me to be with! In your littleness and frailty, in suffering and joy alike. You have no idea how I have received YOU in my eucharistic heart and love, which burns and burns and burns for you and many!” 

I then said, “Truly, I have no idea! You’re kind of right. There is always much more to your love than I think. Compared to that, my perception is smaller than an atom when your gigantic love surpasses the whole Universe and beyond!! [Chuckles] Oh Lord, that’s huge!!”

I then entered in a few minutes of contemplation over this, ending up saying to him still in that quiet pondering;

“Your Love, huh…” I said. “I used to muss around and contemplate how some souls risked their lives to save another, to face danger in order to protect another. Their actions were so appealing and…. so true! You know? Those people were not afraid. And even if they were afraid inside, they did not show it in cowardice but went forth with the rescue plan. Some received blows, lashes on their bodies – they did not spare themselves the sufferings.” 

Jesus cut in quickly, saying “THAT’S the thing!” He exclaimed as a point-in-fact. “True love is shown when one is willing to lay himself down and receive pain and suffering. The depth of Love is seen in there. A soul who loves to a certain extent, but neglects suffering shows it is an immature love and needs to be perfected.” 

After another minute of quiet admiration over this subject, he said gently and lowly. 

“My whole being burns to have such an army of laid-down lovers, who sincerely love to the point of not fearing pain and sufferings, but who would embrace them, kiss their crosses and follow me, their leader, master, and example in all things Love. 

“At times it does not come easy,” he said, “but is accomplishable, nonetheless.”  Jesus went on, saying, “Souls who burn for Me, burn in My heart. A heart that is set on blazing Fire out of love for all mankind and my creation. All is held in that heart. (He points at it). 

Love, the highest particle valued in heaven. It is priceless to behold, to hold, to linger, and look at. Such sweet fragrances are released from this particle. It is SOOO intoxicating but at the same time you cannot seem to get enough of it — you would wish to see more and more of it!!”

The contemplation state came over me again, as I soaked these words and marveled inwardly.

“Love is ALL around you.” The Lord continued. “At times it comes in smaller packages, other times in big packages. There are some packages that go unperceived by most as they seem invisible to the eye. The sky, the night, the sun and its heat, the flowers I release on earth, the rain, and the soft fall of snow in the first day, even how a snowflake melts at the touch of warmth: My love is expressed in such myriad ways in your visible world, and it surpasses imagination in our spiritual world. It is truly a privilege to know and learn how to love — to love as God loves, to love what he loves, to hold dear in your arms that Love he just recently created, to receive in your hands the ring that was fashioned for you since the beginning, to have a throne in God’s room and in his heart. 

Love, so meek and gentle. So appealing, innocent, and stunning. When it is manifested, it blows the minds of heaven as they all enjoy her fragrance and kindness, glorifying God in all his goodness.”

Instantly there were some shouts of praise hitting my mind, it did not seem to be Jesus, neither Mother Mary. They said, “What a God WE SERVE!” And another adding, “Amazing!” Later on, it made me think of the angels around us who got touched by this subject exclaimed their praise and wonder and love for God. [Laugh]

“It’s so…..,” I tried to gather my thoughts and put them into words, “I can’t seem to find the word for it!” I concluded saying that to Jesus.

I was basically thinking how simple it seems yet Loving is held high and almost seems as though unreachable, with us humans being so low. I imagined the Love Substance being elevated up in the sky, placed as if in a Winning Prize, while we humans were down below on the ground.

Jesus cuts in and affirms in great hope, “But it is attainable. Only if the soul wills it.” 

Then I set myself to contemplating more, saying afterward, “Truly Lord, thinking of it, Your greatest gift and character trait is being able to Love. That is…., I can’t express it by any words. It is just — good and beautiful!” I tried poorly to find some words for it. [Laugh] “Thank you, Lord. Truly… Love, something worth running after.”

“Amen.” He replied.

Then lingering, I began saying furthermore;

“I just pray, my Lord, that your heart’s desires be fulfilled in this time, that you will truly and indeed have an army of laid-down lovers who are not afraid of pain and blood wounds for you and your little ones. Your angels know very well how to love in this manner, so I just pray we all be like that, Lord: laid down for love of you and those whom you love. I pray you will have this entire generation filled to the brim with Love, love as of the Father. Fighting together with your laid-down angels — a whole army of Lovers for You, my God! In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

“Amen! Amen!” This time it felt the angels were the ones saying it.

And that concludes the message of Love that He gave me with Mamma Mary. I then set myself to checking the message, and I was thinking, doubting if that was indeed Mamma Mary at the beginning, so quickly and freely responding with that kind “Thank you, darling.” I looked at the clock for some reason and it was 4:44PM — her number! Okay, it was her after all.

God bless you dear ones. May the graces to lay yourself down out of Love. 
See you next time.

Song: “On The Altar” by Upperroom Ft. Elyssa Smith

October 14, 2021

LYRICS

[Verse 1]
Here’s my life as a sacrifice
I’ll be the incense
The sweetest fragrance
Only Yours, consecrated for
Only You, Lord
Just for You, Lord

[Refrain]
‘Cause I’m Your temple
A dwelling place for You
And Lord, make my heart
A pleasing home for You

[Chorus]
And oh-oh-oh, I will live on the altar
Oh-oh-oh, You are worth what You asked for
If You’re searching for a heart as Your reward
Then I am Yours

[Verse 2]
Mm-mm-mm, in Your house
And in Your house, I will daily live
Fixed on one thing, to see Your beauty
‘Cause You alone are worth more than gold
I’ll trade the world for
A day in Your courts

“On the Altar” by UpperRoom

[Refrain]
‘Cause I’m Your temple
A dwelling place for You
And Lord, make my heart
A pleasing home for You

[Chorus]
And oh-oh-oh, I will live on the altar
Oh-oh-oh, You are worth what You asked for
Oh-oh-oh, I will live on the altar
Oh-oh-oh, You are worth what You asked for
If You’re searching for a heart as Your reward
If You’re searching for a heart as Your reward
Then I am Yours

[Interlude]
Oh, everything I have
Everything I am
All I am poured out before You, Jesus
You’re worthy
Oh, You’re so worthy
We wanna give everything to You
Everything to You

[Bridge]
I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid-down lover all my life
Oh, I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid-down lover all my life (Sing it again)
I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid-down lover all my life
Oh, I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid down lover all my life

[Chorus]
And oh-oh-oh, I will live on the altar
Oh-oh-oh, You are worth what You asked for
Oh-oh-oh, I will live on the altar
Oh-oh-oh, You are worth what You asked for
If You’re searching for a heart as Your reward, Jesus
If You’re searching for a heart as Your reward (If You)
If You’re searching for a heart as Your reward
Then I am Yours

[Spontaneous]
Oh, I’m Yours
Holy, completely set apart
Oh, I wanna be holy and completely set apart for You
Lord, I wanna be holy and completely set apart for You
Completely set apart for You
Set my heart apart for You
Set my heart apart for Your glory
Set our hearts apart for Your name
For Your name
Just the name of Jesus
Set apart for Your name
Set apart for Your glory
Set apart for Your glory
Set apart for Your name, Lord
Make us Your bride today
Make me Your bride today
Oh, we wanna be holy, set apart for You

[Outro]
Sing, “I wanna be the oil”
I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid-down lover all my life
I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid-down lover all my life
I wanna be the oil, I wanna be the sacrifice
I wanna be a laid-down lover all my life

Will You Be Found Worthy or An Adulterous Bride?

October 14, 2021

Hello, brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family. May you all receive the desire to grow in holiness.

As you all know I’ve had a hard breaking by the hands of the Lord and have fallen because of it and continue to fall. [Sigh]

After really seeing my misery and even going to confession the Lord gave me a card that said;

“Redemption from Sin”: Isaiah 53:5-6
“But he was hurt for our wrongdoing. He was crushed for our sins. He was punished so we would have peace. He was beaten so we would be healed. All of us like sheep have gone the wrong way. Each of us has turned to his own way. And the Lord has put on him the sins of us all.”

And another one that said; “And Mother’s mission remained the same: To call people to Holiness.”

I thought to myself, but Lord I have confessed these many failures—as I felt Holy Spirit was then wanting me to share my most recent failures with you and how I have fallen even further to inspire you to Holiness. I went to the Lord about these thoughts and sure enough, he confirmed that was his will. So I am going to go back and share with you what happened that led me to get these Rhemas.

With that said, what better way to call others to holiness by exposing my hidden sins in this fire the Lord has put me in that has exposed all my misery and brought it to the surface to be consumed in his merciful love—that others may see their own misery within myself, and trust in his mercy to make you Holy as he is Holy.

After falling with my attachment to dates and time frames with the Lord’s promises I finally got the courage to get up and to continue forward on as daily, my faith and trust was being restored back in the Lord. Upon receiving that encouraging message about abandonment I thought Jesus and I had put the issue behind us.

However, just one or two days later I got this Rhema;

“Adulterous Bride:”
“How weak is your heart, says the Lord God, seeing you do all these things, the works of an imperious harlot. Ezekiel 16:30

“You would do well to examine your conscience. Have you been unfaithful to the Lord entreating the lovers of money, the world, or own appetites?”

I have never gotten this Rhema before, out of my Rhema box, and it stopped me in my tracks. I first thought, oh my goodness Lord have I been? As I searched in my own self-righteousness and not my conscience, I thought maybe this Rhema is not for me. Don’t we all do that? When we receive a correction, like our sinful nature, we want to blame someone else rather than taking full responsibility. So after sitting in my self-righteousness and assured the Lord possibly couldn’t be talking about me, I went to Bible Promises and sure enough discerned He was talking about me.

I thought, really Lord? Oh my what have I done? I thought we were on good terms now, but I see I am still in the doghouse, or so I felt. This Rhema really got my attention and I had to sit with the Lord to see the error of my ways and as usual, God is always right. When he shows us ourselves in the light of his mirror. The truth is I had made an idol out of this promise of marriage, I had made an idol out of Derrick, I had made an idol most importantly of the City of God Community and the Ghana mission. 

You see when the Lord stripped me of all of this and left me hanging as to when these things could ever come to pass, as I shared with you, I became so discouraged, so resentful, so depressed. I felt like my balloon was popped—my heart was sick because my hope was in all of these promises and things and not Jesus. I was unmotivated, uninspired, and no longer fervently working for Jesus with my whole heart because I realized those “things” are what had kept me going all of these months. The excitement of something new, a promise fulfilled, and this mission. Yes, I had to again lay my precious dreams down and give them to the Lord. But when I found myself face to face with only Jesus, I realized I was discontent with just him and full of self-righteousness. 

As I rebutted, still trying to justify myself saying, Lord look at all the things I have done for you, the sufferings I had endured, the late nights of working and helping souls, how had I been an unfaithful bride? As if Jesus owed me a thank you, which I honestly desired in my heart. I know I am a hot mess. I realized at that moment I sounded like the testimonies I have heard of pastors dying and standing before the judgment seat of God justifying their love for the Lord by their works saying, “Lord look at all the churches I planted, the thousands of souls that were saved, the buildings I built for you all in your name. And Jesus says, “Depart from me for although you called me Lord, Lord, your heart was far from me.” 

As if Jesus owed me a thank you, which I desired in my heart. I know, I’m a hot mess.

But all of this imploded in my face that my heart had turned far from him for a long while now and I didn’t even realize it because my love for him resulted in all the “work” I was doing for him but not simply in who Jesus was to me. Now that he had removed the veil and stripped me, I had to come to terms with my lukewarmness and the true motive of all my inspiration was the “work” the City of God mission itself and not Jesus. I was so humbled, ashamed, and broken-hearted all at the same time. I hate idolatry and I have fallen into that before and now I was here again. As I realized the Lord allowed this breaking with all my promises and my dreams to expose what was really on the throne of my heart, and it wasn’t him.

Then to really expose more of my hidden sins the Lord allowed another fall because I opened the door to judgment and gossip. 

I received an email from a soul who was interested in applying for the City of God community. When they applied the Lord confirmed his will for them to be a part of our family with strong confirmations. However, something within their application was a red flag as they believed in a doctrine that wasn’t scriptural or biblical. I emailed them explaining my concern. However, they responded back that the Lord had revealed this truth to them personally that it was true. Immediately anxiety came over me about this soul and questioning if they would be fit for the community, and if they would be teachable and yielded. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head about this situation and this soul since I have already had many trials with other souls who didn’t preserver in this call. I was feeling weary and not really wanting to take this on at all. So I thought I would do a teaching on it about this doctrine to bring him and others clarity about this teaching.

Then I had a soul from the community on the mountain call me to update me on some things. They began to talk about how they fell in disobedience, anger, and self-will with another soul in the community. As they started explaining their situation, I was just a listening ear and wanted to encourage them and give them the right perspective of crucifying their flesh and allowing themselves to be humbled by the Lord. But in our conversation, they got really detailed about what happened and the offense. I felt a check in our conversation, but I didn’t stop it and allowed the person to vent instead, as they saw the error of their ways. We ended with prayer, praying for them and that soul, as I thought it ended well.

After these instances, I went into adoration before the Lord and began to listen to catch up on Mother Clare’s recent message. And when I heard about now the rival being after the rapture, that brought so much confusion and hopelessness because I thought differently and realized that was another promise I was hoping in and now had been shattered. Before I knew it the enemy consumed my mind again and I felt myself going into that dark tunnel of despair as I was trying to reason with myself and fight resentment all over again. It was so bad that I began to have a migraine and knew this was an attack, but it seemed I couldn’t get out of it. I pulled Rhemas, readings from my Holy books with no help or counsel.

Finally, a thought came to my mind to get a Rhema from Mother Clare’s Rhema book, and sure enough, I got “gossip”. I thought for a second, Lord, how did I gossip? I realized it was from the previous conversation I had with that soul. Although I didn’t say anything bad about the soul, they were offended by. I tuned my ear to hear theirs. And then the second reading I got was “Humility” as Jesus mentioned why he allowed a fall and the demons to pound us when we judge others. I then thought, Lord, how did I judge another? I felt prompted to get a third reading, and the title was, “Judging others” and where Mother Clare expressed that in her self-righteousness, she had religious bigotry and Jesus mentioned how that can be used to cause division and pride when we judge others and what they understand. 

Oh if there was a pie around someone could’ve thrown it right at my face. I immediately began repenting and asking the Lord to forgive me and realizing how fast I had fallen from grace, yet again. In the Lord’s great mercy he permitted the demons to pound me like that to get my attention, that I had opened a door. So I went to the Lord concerning the soul and the doctrine that they believed, and the Lord confirmed it was disorderly and not scriptural however I should never have judged them for believing in that or to doubt the Lord’s confirmation in wanting him them a part of the mission. I was guilty all around, of idolatry, self-
righteousness, judging, gossip, and I am sure a lot more that Jesus hasn’t shown me yet.

I share this with you because Jesus is coming back very soon, and he is looking for a bride spotless without blemish or wrinkle. That means without willful sins and stains of an inconstant heart on their wedding garments. Will you be found worthy? In Hebrews 12:14 it says, “Without Holiness, no man shall see God”. The Lord is wanting a bride who is Holy or at least pursuing it. And that can only be done by His mercy when we embrace our misery, see ourselves for who we truly are, and confess and repent of our sins. Not hide them or worse, walk in self- righteousness and think you are good. Because not one of us is good, no not one.

Let me ask you, do you have any idols in your life? Please, don’t be so quick to respond. This is not a quick answer. Really take some time to examine your conscience and your heart. Is it your children, your spouse, your family, your ministry, your job, that man or that woman, food, a comfortable lifestyle, your looks, your desire for marriage, good health Your friends, Social media, money? Where do your hope and trust lie? Does your mood easily change when these variables I just mentioned change? Do you find supreme joy in these things? And really think, if the Lord took it all away—your marriage, your ministry, your job, your health, your preferred delicacies, your comfortable lifestyle, your money, your dreams—or, what if these things were never given to you—that prayer you have been praying for never gets answered in this lifetime, and you were just left with yourself and Jesus alone, would you be truly happy and content? 

It’s better to be judged by the Lord than condemned with the world when you stand before him, and he really reveals the hidden motives of your heart. Do you have a tendency to gossip, talking about someone who is not present to defend themselves? Or worse, listening to someone vent to you (which is gossip) but rather than stopping it you open your ears to listen? Which in turn, opens the door for the demons to rush right on both of you, (the hearer and the listener)
shooting arrows of rejection, and betrayal, hitting the person you’re speaking about, which in turn hits, and wounds Jesus, your own spouse.

Do you still struggle with judgments—always having an opinion of people’s actions, how they look, what they say, or what they don’t do or should do—presuming to think that you know best, or way is better? Many of us have gotten past speaking these things out loud but what are you saying in your heart? All these things will be made bare before God and all of heaven when we stand before him very soon. So, what will your heart say? Will it condemn you or show your faithfulness to God and sincere love toward your brother?

I hope this is sobering for all you listening because that is my intention. The Lord is calling all his brides to a deep examination of conscience and even deeper repentance of these things and so much more. True Holiness is to embrace your misery and trust in God’s mercy to transform you into himself. But you must know who you are before God’s mirror and who you are not. Wholly embracing that and emptying yourself so that he can fill you with his love and righteousness in order that you may really reform your lives and change your ways. So that you will be found to be a worthy wife waiting and taken to be with her bridegroom when he comes.

Lord, I repent for our adulterous ways. Thank you so much for your patience with me. Thank you for your great mercy towards me that has shown my true state before you that I may change and serve you more perfectly. Blow on the embers of my heart, Lord, and turn all my affections back on you so that you may transform me wholly unto yourself. I lay myself at the altar again. Jesus, I am all yours, do with as you wish. ~ Amen.

Queen and Priest

October 13, 2021

We began our Rosary Prayers, then I had the most wonderful vision and interior dialog with Our Mother of Mercy. Upon finishing the Rosary I went to Bible Promises [to ask] if what I saw and experienced was from the LORD and got “Joy”.

I then felt bad because Blessed Mother asked me to always have my computer with me during the Rosary so as to get a message from her. But I didn’t this time. I was being lazy.

I know she wants me to share my experiences with you. And Mother, please forgive me for not being faithful to come to hear from you during the Rosary. And thank you for the beautiful vision and understanding you have given me. You have been faithful as my servant and as My daughter. You have kept your soul spotless by being faithful to my grace which I have given to you since you were conceived in your mother’s womb”

This scripture came to my mind. Luke 22: 28-30, “You are those who have stood by me in my trials. And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me, so that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.”

And in Rick Joyner’s book, The Final Quest, he was taken to heaven and shown all of these empty thrones. And many were filled, with the majority being women and children.

Then I recalled and experience that I had a month ago where in the secret place, I believe the LORD took me to heaven. There, Jesus was on a veranda with many, many people below, as a king looking down upon His kingdom. The kingdom before Him was vast, and He called me to come to Him. As I did, everyone started cheering. I felt really uncomfortable and unsure of what was going on. The Jesus and I went down to greet the people. As I stayed at his side, they all began to fall down and bow, many clapping excitedly, reaching out to touch me and Jesus.

I asked the LORD, why were they bowing? and He said, “For you.” I shrieked because of pride, thinking, why would they bow down for me? and jumped behind Jesus, realizing there was a crown upon my head.

He said, “You’re a queen of this kingdom and will reign with me.”

I then immediately bowed down, tossing my crown on the ground because I was too scared to have pride rise in me. Jesus laughed, as the people laughed. He gently pulled me up and gently put the crown back on my head and said, “There is no pride in heaven.”

As if to say that I should humbly accept this gift from Him. It wasn’t anything of my doing but destined and prepared for me before I was born.

Blessed Mother then made it known that there were different degrees of glory in heaven.

As the Rosary continued, I then began thinking about the priesthood as well and wondering if we would continue the Lord’s Supper in heaven. I’ve heard of many people with visions and testimonies seeing saints in their priestly garments officiating the Lord’s Supper. And I was taken back to another vision that I had where I saw a simple-looking church in heaven. I then saw an altar. It was so beautiful. It was simple in size but unique, with white and gold floating flowers, again, all embossed within the altar. And I knew it was mine.

Blessed Mother continued again, reassuring me that in heaven the Lord’s Supper would continue—that although we would be one with God a very physical way, that we still would continue to grow and to learn more about him—that heaven is only the beginning, and as we go from glory to glory, and sanctification to sanctification. We would still be in need to receive the Lord’s body and blood through the Lord’s Supper. That as we receive Jesus, we would continue to become more, and more like him. Understand more and more of His character, and nature and His likeness. Just as we call the souls from heaven now to attend our Lord’s Supper, they, too, have gatherings, fellowship, and Holy Communion in heaven. That the Lord never intended this Sacrament to stop, but He wants to give of Himself entirely for all eternity, to us. And that is through Holy Communion. So we would still have our priestly duties in heaven. Then I remembered a video we watched about a young saint’s life called St. Seraphina. She was taken to heaven by St. Seraphim. She saw her father, who was a priest who had been martyred, doing the Lord’s Supper in the most beautiful Basilica in Heaven.

Then Blessed Mother chimed in, “You will be Queen and Priest.”

And I felt as she said this, that it wasn’t only for me but for all my sister priests of Heartdwellers. I could feel the Lord’s presence strongly upon me. And this was all through infused knowledge. I didn’t hear a word spoken as I usually do and I came out of this vision in dialoged with one of the sisters ending the Rosary, saying, I said…

[Blessed Mother] “Oh my Son, it is good for me to be here, but I also pray that soon your apostles, your disciples, and all your people will be here with us to praise you, to love you for all eternity.”

[Jesus] “Yes, My Mother,” he said, “I will give you whatever your heart desires that from now on all men that acknowledge me as their king must also acknowledge you as their Queen and Mother.”

[Blessed Mother] “My children, I have come to pray for you, and to ask Jesus’ blessing up you. Give yourselves to me, my children. Entrust yourselves to My prayers. Jesus is always ready to respond to my prayers. Give yourselves to me, my children, and your prayers will be answered by my Son. Children, come to me in prayer and I will whisper in your hearts. Obey me, your Mother and it will go well with you, and I will intercede for you, and you will gain favor from the LORD. And yes, my children, pray for the grace to become totally holy in the eyes of God, and I’ll be waiting for you, my children. Until we are together to praise the LORD for all eternity.”

And that was the end of our Rosary, with Our Mother of Mercy.
God bless you guys until the next message.

Ask Me To Blow On The Embers of Your Heart

October 12, 2021

Hello, brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family. May you all be blessed.

I was in the pasture praying and the Lord played one of his particular songs and I knew that he wanted to speak to me. I went to the Bible Promises and I kept getting laziness, though. Then I discerned that he was saying I was being lazy in prayer. Which is very true that day, especially. I was feeling so tired physically and so dry during my prayers and the Lord’s Supper.

I have now come to ask my Guardian Angel Zeal to please pray for me and with me daily. I always ask him to pray, covering those prayers and things I miss, and today I was really leaning on him to pray my prayers for me altogether. So I had prayed my few prayers, but if I can be honest, half-heartedly, and not with much meaning. Hoping Zeal’s, fervent and powerful prayers would cover my lack, but the Lord didn’t allow me that slack today. So I thought he wanted me to go back in prayer. However, he prompted me that he actually wanted to talk with me.

So I came before Him saying, Lord, I am here, your spouse is listening. Jesus, what is on your heart?

Jesus responds, “I’m here beloved, let’s work out the issue of your heart, so that you may hear me clearly.”

As an aside, guys, Jesus is so good, because I was struggling interiorly with an incident that happened the day before where one of the sisters made it known that I was a source of irritation for her, during our time of fellowship before everyone. As she said that I don’t listen to her, so she didn’t see why she had to listen to me. I smiled and apologized for the instances she brought up that I wasn’t agreeable to what she asked or where she felt her opinion was disregarded.

I shrugged it off at the moment but found myself brooding about it the whole day and even that morning. Realizing the soul still had some struggles with being led.

And another soul has a strong attachment to food and gets upset often if she is asked to sacrifice what she wants to eat. I was just frustrated. The Lord, being so sweet, He knew this was consuming my heart. He wanted to clear the air to give me peace of mind so that I wouldn’t get in the way of hearing the concerns of his heart. He is always so gracious to help me with the issues of my heart first before we begin talking about his subject matter many times. He is truly so meek and humble.

Jesus continued,

“I know you have your concerns with these precious little ones, but do not worry, in time all the kinks will be worked out. This particular soul has grown leaps and bounds, really. Although they do not see it, they are climbing the mountain beautifully, and each effort is a sweet rose of incense to Me. Although they fall many times, I am pleased with their efforts. She will also learn that she was sent here not to be listened to, but to listen. In time she will get it, and yield and right now I am bending her will to mine and she is yielding. Continue to love, instruct, and teach them more by example of how to walk in virtue and how to truly love and let go of self-love. You humbling yourself to receive criticism speaks volumes to the others. So they too will be more humble to receive criticism and correction from others, even those inferior to them, and humbly accept it all without defense or with offense taken.”

And what he said reminded me of a Rhema he has given me several times on Heroic Humility which I ask the Lord each morning to cloak me with. But still fall short every time and it’s from St. Therese as she says;

“The novices (to whom she gave spiritual direction) praise me. It is not flattery. They believe what they say. It does not make me vain, for the knowledge of my wretches never leaves me. But sometimes my soul sickens of too sweet of a diet. It is then that Jesus gives me a nice little salad (dressing) of vinegar and spice sans olive oil.

“God raises the veil which hides my imperfections, and my dear little sisters then no longer find me quite to their liking. With simplicity I find charming, they tell me what a trial I am to them and what they find unpleasant about me. They stand on no ceremony, for they know that their freedom of speech delights me….

“Once when I was passionately longing to be humiliated, a young postulant did it so effectively that I remembered when Shimei cursed David and I repeated the words of the holy king ’Yea, it is the Lord who hath bidden him say all these things’.”

As I recognized this was all permitted by the Lord to truly humble me and would happen again until I found delight in my humiliations rather than taking offense. Lord help me.

Jesus continued,

“I am purifying the love you all have for one another down there and as the trials and test come you will be purified in turn. That your love for one another may be that of mine. Divinely inspired, patient, making no record of wrong, meek, and, humble, and selfless. You are all fighting valiantly so do not give up or stop.”

Just then I heard another ambulance rushing past in town. There has been such an access amount of sirens going off in this area. In one day I counted 8 times that the ambulance and sirens went through the town. That has now become an average. It’s so abnormal, because when was down here a year ago, rarely did you ever hear the police or see them or an ambulance for that matter. As I thought this was a prophetic foreshadowing of the spiritual battle going on and the change in the atmosphere in our nation.

Jesus, knowing my thoughts, responded,

“You have been concerned with the sirens and ambulances in your neighborhood going off at a more rapid and constant rate than usual. And you are right to think that is the spiritual atmosphere of your nation. Violence is on the increase as I already mentioned to you. Though not broadcasted, yet it will continue to increase. But I want my beloved bride’s heart and eyes fixed on Me. My beloved ones, I know your heartache, the trials, and heavy burdens you are now under which can easily cause you to look at your circumstance and take your eyes off of Me, but I long for your attention and affection.

“The enemy of your soul has many of you wrapped up in yourself that you have begun to get lax with your prayers, lax in your relationship with Me, and lose the light and love of your first love. When I am the source of your strength, your sustenance. and of your protection.

“When a soul is sick physically the same thing happens, in your lethargy, exhaustion, and weariness you no longer do the things you use to do with the same fervency, and I do not want my brides following that pattern. Some have even been tempted not to meet me at all in Holy Communion or stop your prayers as he lies to you that nothing has happened, it won’t make a difference, nothing has changed, your prayers are useless, and oh, just rest a little, after all, you are not feeling well.

“Then he turns you on to other consolations and comforts in food, entertainment or, for my intimate spouses, business in ministry rather than being with Me. Something to distract you from your trial, but I am the distraction that you need, and I love you to distraction. Don’t get weary in well-doing, My beloved brides. In time, through patience, and long-suffering, your reward will indeed come.

Don’t believe the enemy of your soul that desires to cut you off from the only life source, Me, in the body and blood, and My love. Persevere, My beloved doves, and be diligent to seek my face, to be with Me, to pray without ceasing for your family, for your nation, for the world, and for lost souls. If I have not answered you yet, don’t stop knocking at the door of My Heart with your prayers, for the appointed time of your deliverance is coming. And know that every time you pray and are with me, torrents of graces are released for so many souls.

“Your unanswered prayer becomes an act of grace for another soul. You see I waste nothing. Trust me and come. Ask for the grace of a fervent spirit, ask me to blow on embers of your heart that have become cold. Ask me to put logs of graces upon the smoldering pit where the fire of your love for Me use to be. Ask me these things and I will answer.”

That was the end of Jesus’ message.

What a word of encouragement From Jesus. He knows many of us have been struggling to really connect with him and feeling much dryness and weariness in prayer. But it’s the enemy of our soul that wants us to stop praying, stop coming, and give in to how we feel versus what we know we must do. Because if we give in to our feelings, it will cause many of us to grow cold then eventually lukewarm which can, in turn, cause you to lose your salvation. Lukewarmness is so subtle it causes you to continue going through the motions of doing things that seem pious when in reality your heart is far from the Lord. We thank the Lord for speaking his words of life and love to blow on our embers to start a flame that burns only for him.

Then I pulled a Rhema card, and it said;

“Hide yourself in my wounds, in my right foot. The wounds in my right foot are a refuge from the sin of inconsistency. Take refuge there when you’re tempted to be inconsistent. And when you waiver, in your resolution to love Me above all things and to place me first in your affections and in your desire”.

Let’s persevere through all of this family. We are in this together. Love you guys! God bless you until the next message.

Irina’s Testimony – Part 2 – Grace

October 11, 2021

So, the fifth year. Somehow things happen that I am reminded constantly of some dreams I have had, and I’m advised by Rainbow to email them to Mother Elisha so she could maybe discern them for me. Mother Elisha responds to my email suggesting that I would fill an application so she could then bring it before the Lord and discern it properly. A few days later, she lets me know that Jesus confirms my application of going to Ghana. [“What?”] Suddenly I find myself on the Heartdwellers Ghana boat—breaking shyness and video-chatting with the very Mary Elisha, herself—being added to the intercessors’ group right after given the opportunities to help with the ministry itself in various tasks…! Things moved so fast for the next two months. But then suddenly I must go to Moldova with my family for one month. Initially, I didn’t want to go, but I just had to ask the Lord and see what HE had to say about that not to just rely on my own opinion, which was my usual thing to do. And yes, he confirms that I must go by giving me the topic of the “Holy Spirit”. It couldn’t be more clear, right? 

Upon arriving at Moldova, the days were so nostalgic as a Springtime rainy month was in season. It was a blessing to be there and witness all that natural beauty once again. But I had a strange notion inside myself from the moment I arrived there; “It feels like Jesus deliberately brought me here now so I could see my relatives, for them to see me, one last time…before I go to Ghana soon. And who knows when they will see me again. What a feeling.” I thought.

After some time, it is decided that my mom and I will be staying all the way until. August due to her health treatment that she began, which was the main reason for us coming here at Moldova. 

One night I had a dream while staying there:

Being at the edge of the village, on the other side of the road, you would only see fields and lands. In my dream I see Jesus on the field of my neighbor. He was almost at the finish line on the field. His right leg was bound with a cord, a thick one, to the cross, which made it very difficult for him to move. He was dragging it, but he was struggling with it. Dragging his cross, bleeding from the crown of thorns, tired and gasping for air. As I was just walking out through our gate, I noticed Him immediately and my whole inner being cried out in anguish, and I was stirred to go and help him carry his cross. But I sensed my mom was walking behind me, and I felt tense. I did not approach Jesus despite wanting desperately to go and help him. I felt fear. Fear of being seen near Jesus and helping him, in the eyes of my mom. Gradually my steps headed down the road, opposite from Jesus’s direction in the field. I just kept on walking, wishing I could just run toward him and ACT, boldly once and for all. But my steps moved further and further from Him. “If I can’t go, then at least someone to go to him and help him!”, I lamented with sadness, but hopeful for “someone” to do it. As I walk and think of this, wishing, there were laborers in a vineyard, weary and tired of the day’s work. Many men were sitting down in a line at the edge of the vineyard. But one man, in particular, got my focus as I had insight into his soul seeking more than just this plain day-to-day life. And simultaneously to my thoughts of someone going to help Jesus, he immediately stood up and looked toward Jesus’ direction. And then I knew he would just go and help Jesus without fail.

And that was the end of my dream. 

“This again….” I woke up thinking of another failure—another failed action. “Why do I keep walking away from You, Lord, in my dreams?!”, I said, sad and frustrated of these constant failures. I have had other dreams where I am presented something from God, of God, like a puzzle of my destiny, or something—and I just turn and go about my business—just wishing that I could help Him. Pondering on this dream, I begged the Lord as I was speaking with him in my own mind and heart, saying to him, “Next time this happens, let me act, Lord! [like, I thought, let me act in a dream] I’m tired of this turning away!”, I said with firm meaning. 

A few days later, I find myself receiving some rather clear Rhemas in the span of 7 days, which spoke of “Renouncing all things for Him”—”Leaving”—”Him empowering woman”, etc. Very constant and obvious ones, which were so oddly clear that I emailed them to Mother Elisha to see what’s with them. She reached back to me saying that it’s the Lord, meaning about me going to Ghana, and what He will do there, what I will go through, and so on. But then, shortly after, she comes right back and says in a surprised state that the Lord told her, “I am actually calling her to the Mountain.”

“Whaat?!”  

The funny thing is, I noticed Jesus gives peace when such big news and changes come to me. The first day is always peaceful, then, comes the storm. The next 7 days I battle my flesh and fears in a new, real level. On the night of the first day, I went to sleep with my whole body trembling and shaking; my heart beating faster than usual in a normal, passive position, without me doing any activities; my mind streaming every scene possible; family, documents, airplanes, tickets, possible family rejections, and so forth. Thoughts non-stop in a rollercoaster—merry-go—round—all the time. 

Asking blessed Mary’s help was my drop of peace falling upon me to silence my trembling body and mind, allowing sleep for a few minutes. Until it all would begin anew. Constant Hail Mary’s were on my mind for the next [few] days.  Being told that I was to go to the mountain as soon as possible, I was advised to change the date of my ticket again, the one back to Portugal. But I resisted that idea. The rush-ness of it all almost depleted me and filled me with anxiety while still reasoning and battling myself on varied fronts about it. Yes, I did act and try to gather info to see how to change the date but deep down I did not do it with a real gut intention. I was not settled on wanting the date being changed. I actually didn’t want it to changed. 

My mind kept thinking for days, “If I don’t answer this call, how will I face Father God at Judgment Day, or even after I die where I would have to give account for this? [The] family will be less guilty because they tried to stop me not knowing what they were doing. But I, knowing very well what I had to do, decided not to do it and to rather listen to family’s thoughts and perspectives. They will be less guilty. My denial to answer God will not only damage me and my eternity but theirs too… The souls perishing because I refused to answer—I will be held accountable for them also—ALL of this, if I don’t answer You, Lord.

“But if I do answer, then the pain, the loss, and the suffering will be seen as worthy when I stand before You on that Day. Where even family members will say, ‘Thank God you did not listen to us and did answer His calling!’” 

I would imagine the scene in my mind and place myself on that Day on both sides, battling and discerning the fruits it will give me. 

“…If I don’t answer, I will lose Jesus and the depth I so long to have with him. It will be like death to all this we [had] built until now. Even if I were to continue to do art or ministry, knowing I did not answer His real Action-Call, all this art will become an idol, meaningless and vain.” I was walking around and cleaning seeing whatever I had to do. Because was given tasks to do. My body was moving but my mind was totally not there. Walking, I let out a sudden loud, anxious, but hilarious cry “I DON’T WANNA DIEEEEE!!!” Thinking of all the things I would lose in the scope of eternity. “I can’t wait for all this to be over and see how it all turned out to be!!” I would think in my anxieties. 

I would feel Jesus as if being distant those days, but why on earth would I keep on seeming heart-shapes if I was resisting his will to change the date of that ticket? Was I deluded and imagining things? During those days Jesus even gave a message to Mother Elisha about Obedience, but I still didn’t want to change that date. (I must have given her such hard headaches. Oh boy.) I just set myself onto searching for the tickets that would get me to America. Then checking with Mother Elisha about the date of this American ticket, she went to the Lord to confirm if to go for this one, but she came back with other news from the Lord. She said, I am to leave from Moldova straight to America, never setting foot in Portugal. The idea did not surprise me that much because I did think randomly in split seconds along those days, “What if I were to leave directly from here to America? Hmmm.” Both of us felt that if I went back to Portugal, I won’t be stepping foot on the mountain. Something would’ve happened that would’ve kept me back. 

It is strange and interesting to think that the first week I showed so much resistance to the idea of changing that ticket back to Portugal, but near the end of the first week, where the second week began and this new “news” came to me, I was so on board to totally leave directly from Moldova to America! So willing and so bent for it! No resistance, but only strong inner courage and boldness overcame my whole being to be action-bent! Well, that’s Grace for you. In God’s wisdom, that first week He allowed me to see my incapability to act—my frailty, fears, weakness; The flesh at war with the spirit. Then the second week, it was all Him and His grace—how it actually empowers a wimp like me. [Laugh] All my life I have been mostly provided for by family in documents, payments, and so forth, since we all lived together under the same roof. So I lacked in experience and knowledge on how to manage things around. I was not very experienced in the world. However, here I see myself going alone to the city in a taxi with my own money, arrange the documents and preparations, calling people, reaching out to this person, to that person, to this airline company, to that client service. All action like never before in my life for a very quiet and introverted person! But, in all this, it was to be expected that suffering would be involved somehow. Ain’t it gonna be so smooth doubtlessly.   

I would see a bunch of 555, so much so that it was obvious the fact that “Ok, something is definitely going to happen.” I normally thought it would be about my family. However, it had a different turn. My first ticket to America which we bought had a stop in Israel, which we had to cancel because I was told by the airline company we could not stop for Layover in Tel Aviv without a VISA. The second ticket which we bought for America had some issues also. Having in mind this new law that European Schengen-Countries could not fly directly to America, I had to travel to a Non-Schengen country to stay in quarantine for 14 days before entering the United States, in which we planned for Croatia. But soon after, brother Juniper (who came from Germany two weeks before me) and Mother Elisha discovered that Moldova itself was a Non-Schengen country! And I’ve been staying there for 2 months. That was perfect! (Yay Lord!) But suffering was still to come as Jesus would play songs about it, and its major theme was of “Waiting”. I presumed the waiting had to do with the current problem we had then over that one canceled ticket. 

So when we had all the tickets ready and scheduled with all the documents needed ready, the day arrived where I had to leave. Having Jesus say, “Take nothing for the journey,” I just took my blue backpack filled it with my books and some little stuff I would need on the way, and left Mom as I told her I needed something from the city. She felt a bit frustrated and maybe even angry that I yet again refused to be specific about my doings and she went back inside while I moved on, a bit sad that this was our farewell—her mad at me.  

I left. With each step I made, I could not believe this is actually happening finally. When it was obvious that I was gone, Mom tried to call me numerous times as she felt very sick and bad for this sudden socked action of mine. I only responded to her telling [her] that I’m okay and giving instruction as of where I left my letter to her. Brothers, father, sister-in-law, they all reached out to me, but I answered none until arriving after close to flying off. I never knew what they actually had to say exactly since I did not answer. But when I did, they proved that I’m a mess [laugh]. They turned out to be a very good supporting family—a hurt family for doing this more like this to them—but they did not reject me as I always thought they would do. 

My first flight from Moldova to Istanbul went well. I arrived in Istanbul and got a Yotel room inside the airport itself for the night and settled on waiting for my next flight, with a strange forbearing feeling, “Everything seems well and smooth by far…. Hmm, it can’t be that easy!” I thought, thinking something might come tomorrow. And yes, something did come. The next day I wait in line for the check-in but soon am told that I cannot fly with this ticket to America because it had a Layover in Greece, which was a European Schengen-country in which I cannot lay foot on that land if I want to go to America. I had to buy another ticket for, this one in the end, is now “useless”. A DIRECT flight from Istanbul to Houston is what I needed to make it to the United States of America. And it had to be for the very next day because if not I would lose all the other flights that we had scheduled. 

I went running to find that ticket somehow and found out that the only one available for tomorrow is $2,000-something USD (the same close amount in euros). “Where would I get all that money from?!” I went around, kind of you know perplexed [laugh], I went around that airport speedy-paced trying to see and buy this ticket within a day. Thank God I had some cash in euros, and some in USD that I could use. I went to check how much I had available on my credit card (my debit card) and soon I realize the card got stuck inside the ATM and would not let it come out at all. 

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me……?!” Without a ticket—my only debit card was stuck—in a strange airport—alone on my own. “….Perfect!….” 

In my attempts to have my debit card back, I stopped some people here and there to help me, but few could help me really. Thoughts would come in suggesting “In case there is no way for this ticket and its payment, I might as well just…with the little money that I have, I might just go back…” Then I thought, “Is that it? We come this far and no more? …Can’t be! Surely, He will have a way for this too!” I clung to that hope. And feeling desperate, instead of doing what the police officers had suggested as a possible try for me to do, I just slowly walk back to try and find that ATM again. In my last attempt to ask for help, I stopped a man who in turn stopped his co-worker who was just coming out of the bathroom. They speak of my situation and this co-worker person (I’ll name him Timmy), says he will help me. Walking away from the ATM we begin a short dialog and ask where I came from, finding out that I’m from Moldova he suddenly speaks some Romanian words (which is almost identical to Moldova’s language). The guy was Turkish but spoke good Romanian! OH GOD! it made it so much easier for me to communicate now! And as we tend to getting out my debit card with some other help he got, knowing of my situation with the ticket, he wonders at the price of that ticket and says he, himself is an Airline Company worker/or a manager of the same Turkish Airline and his company provides a cheaper price for a same direct ticket to America for the next day. (Whaaat!!) Timmy was the point of contact for me to get help at that airport because since he worked there, he knew people and through him, other people came to help with the ticket. Then finally, we managed to get my debit card out, and thanks be to God, one of my family members helped me by transferring a certain amount of money to my debit card and managed to buy a new ticket within a day for $1000-something, USD mingled with euros and mingled with some Turkish money I had. I don’t even know how we managed to pay the full price of that ticket, since we had all this mingling of money! But it happened, I have no idea how it happened exactly, but that’s Crazy! [laugh]. I ended up kissing that ticket even though I was looking silly with that mask on that I had. I didn’t care, I was relieved. Finally! I had even forgotten to eat the whole day with all that going on. The sun sets down, people fell asleep, and I went to grab myself some food at 3 in the morning, staying awake all night—waiting. 

Morning comes and the time for check-in is near. All I hope at this time is that it will go well, I kept think in my heart. A person then comes to me to see my passport and ticket and tells me to come with her aside for a moment. They tell me my ESTA Visa got canceled by America itself, since America thought that I flew with first ticket which landed in Greece, which I did not put my foot on that plane anyway. So, when I found out that my ETSA Visa got canceled, my heart fell a bit and I just sat there on the chair; waiting, for America to re-open my ETSA Visa as a lady was there helping me with proofs in my passport that I did not go to Greece but stayed inside Istanbul the whole time and did not exit the country. In the end they re-opened my ESTA Visa after waiting an hour perhaps, and my check-in went well but in a rush. The passengers were already boarding on the airplane!

The lady who attended me had to rush herself to call and manage me a spot, or stop the airplane or whatever, just for me to get inside that plane too! I run again as fast as I can across all that airport to find my Gate, with a dry mouth, and with tired muscles (because yeah, I hadn’t really run that long in a while, really [laugh]). Oh, but thank you LORD Jesus I managed to the gate and passed it well. So, finally I set off from Istanbul to America.

My arrival to Houston went well, but since it was night, the airport was all empty—almost all empty and all stores were closed. As I walk to my find the Gate of my next flight, I tried to connect to their Free internet that the airport offers but my phone refuses to do that. I had noticed that since all this started my phone was playing tricks on me; up to 7 or more apps would close on me instantly; my Bible app, Skype, Facebook, Messenger, my music Worship playlist, Google, Instagram. And now since I could not connect even to the internet, I asked a police officer about something, and it turns out he was going to help me with the issue of my phone. We ended up resetting it, completely. But it was an unauthorized reset. Therefore, the phone would not allow me to Log in inside the phone itself…. I was in a blackout.

My phone was useless at this stage. I lost contact with everybody; Mother Elisha, the intercessors, Rainbow, family—no one—NOTHING. Trying to call Mother Clare or Mother Elisha from a police officer inside that airport would only lead me to their voicemail, which was not really what I wanted at that time! [Laugh]. We tried to contact Mother Elisha via Facebook through the police officer’s Facebook account which he was kind enough to allow me to use his phone to message Mother. Then I went out—waiting.

Hours passed and I felt desperate, cold, hungry, smelly by now, alone again with whatever little money left, afraid to use another ATM again, lest it gets stuck again. But above all, what hit me and scared me the most was being cut off from everybody. I honestly broke down at that moment. Through all the events and obstacles He held me with His grace and strength and kept me strong, nonetheless, that no tear was shed—but I felt a calm inner peace reign in me in all of those days before. I sensed it, in spite of all of those things that I was going through. “We have come so far, Lord…. Would you leave me now like this?” My tears begged Him to get me at least someone I could contact. “At least mother Elisha, Lord. I don’t know what the next step is when flying to Albuquerque.” I was even thinking if this check-in would be successful again. “Anything, but this, don’t leave me contactless. It’s no fun…” [laugh] I always would go back and check with the police office if anyone called back. But nobody called that night—I had to wait

Sleep held me for an hour or so since cold would wake me up here and there.  Around 6 AM I re-enter the police office and the gentleman smiles at me out of compassion, knowing of my situation and nods his head negatively, nobody reached back to me. I honestly did not expect calls anymore, I was just—I don’t even know. I’ll just board that plane to Albuquerque and then we’ll see what happens. Near that man was another gentleman that was new to me and finding out about my situation, he tries to help about my phone somehow. I see him flipping and clicking this and that internet connection on his phone to somehow connect my phone to get me internet to Login or whatever—I don’t know—but somehow, after “toying” with his phone, my phone, this internet connection—I don’t know exactly what he did, but we got in!! The phone was back! Ah, what a deep relief, and a wide smile came over me. Oh, Jesus…! And even though I had lost my social accounts due to that unauthorized reset, and because of having also lost my Portuguese phone number—I was just glad it worked again!! Now I can contact someone. The only app available for contacting someone at that point the Gmail app and Hangouts. I reached out to Rainbow to give me Mother Elisha’s Gmail. Rainbow’s reply to me brought me to hot tears of relief—she answered! Now I was no longer cut off. [laugh]. I managed to get in contact with Mother Elisha and my own family.

In the end, after this nightly hour of waiting (which seemed longer than the others), I boarded on that last flight without any more complications. This was the last leg, almost at the end of this all. So it seems that the Lord allowed no more complications. (Well, other than almost losing my Lift car when in Albuquerque airport. [Laugh]) That Lift-taxi drove me to a certain meeting point where Mother Elisha and I had to meet. And after waiting some more hours, she arrived from her family’s wedding celebration, and with her was another new sister that was going to the mountain too. I ended up eating Mother Elisha’s food that she had kept after having her fill. The Lord even provided me, on that place before Mother Elisha arrived. He got a fruit-bearing tree there—apples—one of my favorites—all ready and ripe for my stomach! Fresh from the branch! Jesus provides, guys! But anyway, in the end, the Lord got me to the mountain. And now I am here.

But I have to say as a little final, that there is someone behind all of these events—the one who helped me to repent of all my childhood hidden sins—the one who inspired in me the wish, the tiny wish, to remain a virgin for the Lord—the one who prayed for me, who assisted me, who watched over me, because even my auntie, she has Her, as her protector over her whole family and house—so you can guess that she must have prayed for me. I have to be grateful because Mother Mary—Blessed Virgin Mary—was the one who really brought me to this mountain, who really brought me to the Heartdwellers, who really showed me Jesus. She’s the real, true Mother and intercessor, and all of that! To bring a soul to Jesus—to guide her—to inspire and Mother this soul to become a beautiful bride, a beautiful friend, a stunning daughter to Our God. Thank you, Mother Mary—Blessed, ever virgin, Mary!

So, as for what has happened since I arrived at the mountain, I hope to be able to tell you guys, God willing. See you next time, my dear ones. And as you can see from this testimony of mine, God is very much able to make it possible. So, be of good cheer, He can use even the most cowardly, fearful, inexperienced people, like me. His Grace is truly something else!  

God bless you, until the next time.

Irina’s Testimony – Part 1 – Mercy

October 10, 2021

Good day or night to you all, lovely Heartdwellers! Today I bring you a new voice to hear on this channel. So please…, bear with me.

I’m Irina, I am from Portugal, and I recently arrived here at this mountain in Taos. Seems like now is my time to share my testimony and the Lord’s doings in my life. I hope I won’t bore you. [smile]

Okay, let’s go straight to the point.

I was born in Moldova, a little country most people might not know where it is exactly, and I grew up in a village — my house was at the very end of that village. I had a pretty normal childhood, being surrounded with caring parents, and two older siblings, and other relatives of ours. I grew up in an Eastern Orthodox Church and from there I learned about God the Father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Saints, Mother Mary, the angels, archangels, hell, and so on…. And as far as I recall it, this childhood of mine went well and sweet—until I turned 7 years old—an age mostly famous for being the age of reasoning, where a child begins little by little to make his own little reasonable decisions. Normally from this age up, children begin to know sin. Such was my case.

One day at my grandma’s house, my brothers and I and a cousin of ours were gathered there to play as usual. But this time the play would be different. Somehow, I find myself in a playful position that would bring me into a deep lasting pit; my cousin, who was a few years older than I, was playing on me the game of “husband and wife” as I will call it, which was mostly about sexual relationships.  This was a 5-seconds prank, (and just to clarify; no clothes were taken off, no nothing, just kids playing around) and, until this day, I don’t realize how or why, exactly, got me so quickly, but that prank stirred my senses for a second and in my curiosity, I wanted to feel it again. That was the day when sin came and gripped a hold on me. From there on I would engage in some practices where sexual pleasure would be stirred; playing “the boy”, using my imagination to make up situations to my liking. And along the years as this lustful sin grew, I got to a weird point when I involved a puppy into this, some two other girls close to my age, and even one of my family members. But no matter what I did to myself, I never stepped over the boundary of actually having a physical sexual relationship with anyone. In spite this all, thank God, He gave me boundaries

At the age of 7 when this lustful sin began, so began the issue with my health. I would have random fainting problems which happened whenever and wherever I was. Therefore, what I remember most of my days — aside from my pitfalls—were the hospital rooms, medical treatments, examinations, pills, medicines… I remember the doctors speaking with my mom, trying to figure out what was the cause of me fainting like that, but they were not sure what it was exactly. Some named this as possible Epilepsy and gave me prescribed medicine for that, but later on with years, my family and I discovered this was not Epilepsy at all. But I took those pills from childhood until my 20’s. And I remember that at some point I began to grow tired and weary of them really, but thank God there were some intervals where I did not take them. Until I would faint again, and the cycle would repeat itself.

So these perverted sins held my childhood and teenager days, and with it came a bunch of other problems which deepened themselves in me. I remember, from the beginning, I would go to confession as it was usual for us there in that village but would never tell the priest about it because I became aware that this was a sin and I felt ashamed and fearful. Fear of what the priest might say, and what parents or friends might think of me, being so young and already corrupted down a deep pit. I did not want them to know of anything, so I kept it hidden and locked in myself. From the outside I might have looked like a normal, decent child, living her innocent childhood but within I was already so corrupted. I was not what anyone would think of. But each time I would give in to the temptation, the more I deepened myself in its mire.

But you know, even as you are in your sinning state, the Lord is still working on your behalf to get you out of that pit-hold you jumped into. He did that for me.

I remember My parents, being Christians themselves, agreed to the advice of taking me to visit monasteries and priests to see that I would be made better. My dad, who was my example in practicing patience, calmness, and long-endurance, it was a delight to go with him to diverse monasteries. Those amazing places secretly grabbed my heart in their entirety, inspiring in me tiny wishes that would never leave until this day.

We visited diverse monasteries. One had a footprint of Blessed Mother encrypted on a solid rock; another would have handcuffs of a Saint that suffered in prison for Christ’s sake but was delivered miraculously by being taken up in the air and out of that place he has held into, and hearing his story caused me to dream, “Wow, what if I was like that? Long-suffering, faithful to Jesus even in the face of death. That would be so nice.” But one monastery marked me the most, this one was in Ukraine: it’s called monastery Poceaev. In there they had the relics of a Saint laying near the cave he lived in, and according to the words spoken to us back in my time; anyone who would manage to enter into the cave through the very narrow and tight entrance was considered as pure, so to say. That even a pregnant woman with her big belly could pass through somehow. Looking my way, a priest suggested if I would like to go too and although I truly wanted to go inside that cave, I turned his invitation down. From the depths of my heart, I wanted to go but my brain kept thinking in anxiety, “What if I get stuck at the entrance? all will know that something is wrong with me, therefore my secret sins would be out into the open and everybody would know how ‘not pure’ I am.” Having my dad beside me increased my fretting.

However, Jesus doesn’t stop.

Before this cave scene happened, there were some ceiling paintings of Jesus being crucified, two identical versions in fact. And I heard it saying that at times one could see the knees of Jesus bending themselves right in front of your eyes. “Really?” I thought curious and a little excited. So I go and check about the difference between the legs of this Jesus. “Hmm, the legs of this Jesus are stilled…” I moved a bit and stepped to look towards the second Jesus on the other painting, and while I move, here I gaze and notice slight knee movements in this Jesus. “Oh! You just look at that,” I said in my mind delightfully surprised, “It’s actually true, what they said?” I took that event and locked it in myself, although pondering about that minutes later. It made me think, “why did Jesus allow me to see this since I was such a sinner already?”

In that same monastery I heard the still small, yet unknown, voice of the Lord (or of my Guardian Angel) because when I firstly arrived at the place my eyes set themselves to a wall-painting as I passed by it holding my dad’s hand. And while Dad was speaking with a monk, I sneaked myself and got near the big painting. My eyes observed and read the flow and the story the painting presented to my big examining eyes—clouds filled with saints. Below the clouds were people pleading, as they were the sinners. Children, men, and women passing some kind of doors or climbing stairs heavenward; angels assisting and helping. It was so consuming and interesting that time flew by so fast and soon I heard my dad calling me back. But I went there again shortly after. However, this time my eyes went to the very bottom of the painting; there was hell. Naked humans with weird ugly beings all over and around tormenting those naked men and women with some big black, forks. Their horns, tails, and the fire all around startled me and I quickly run back to my dad’s side when he called again, right on time. Frightened, I just wanted to brush those images off of my brain, but in the midst of my fear I sensed a gentle tugging on my heart as if saying, “Don’t be afraid, have courage”. And a feeling of calmness and gentle boldness strengthened me to go back to the painting again. Fear was brushed off of me and calmly, I analyzed hell and its scene. That painting became my first basic lesson on how heaven, earth, and hell seem like.

“A Similar version of the Painting
I saw back then.”

In the monastery, the voice of the Holy Spirit was clear in my soul as he reveled to my thoughts that a person was possessed, as I questioned myself about the person’s strange and fearful behavior she expressed when holy water touched her skin. I thought, “How can she be afraid of it and scream so if the water is holy and is good for her?” Then the gentle tugging nudged my mind that it was an evil spirit reacting thus in that person.

So, although I was in a perverted pit mingled with fears, shame, and scruples invading me, feeling dirty and unworthy; the Lord was moving. Aside from these sins, I remember of stealing out of self-interest, lying because of fear, or because of wanting to be accepted in some circle of kids I held in high esteem. I was fueled with puffed-up attitudes, pridefully comparing my art skills as better than other classmates as they began to appear and emerge and be praised. But I would also feel discouraged and a no-good when I would see someone’s [art as] being better than mine, which in fact was… But the deep wound was I felt more scared of being seen as a perverted kid at such young age. On top of that, being a girl—you know, “girls are supposed to be pure, cute, beautiful inside and outside.” So I would put on a facade of being a good girl in front of parents and friends and other relatives. And if anyone got close to the scar and the wound, I would deny it in their face. I made myself a shell, controlled by emotions—afraid and ashamed of myself.

In the Lord’s goodness He had one of my aunties from my dad’s side, feed me with spiritual food, as she herself lead a life for God [more] than other relatives. You could say she was my little spiritual mother, as well, as one of my brother’s. Both of us were fed by her from childhood to our adolescence until we ourselves began to seek more of God on our own. This same auntie the Lord used to stir and inspire me toward Godly Art (she is good at arts). Looking at her painting, I wished to bend my art toward Heaven-related things too. But I never did it. I did not have the courage to do that because I was afraid of what my mom would say. Although my mom is a good mom—loving and caring, I perceived that due to past wounds inflicted on her soul she would have open injuries (spiritually speaking). My mom loves much, but when that love is stepped upon harshly, the injury hurts much. I do not know why or how, but I could see she did not want her children to follow the same path as the path my auntie, Godly speaking—which is, exactly what happened with me.

At the age of 12 years old I moved to Portugal where I would live for the next thirteen years. A week after we arrived, there was this school waiting for me with a bunch of strange kids speaking some odd funny sounds which I did not [understand]. All alone in an unknown territory, I found comfort only in my two brothers who were of my own flesh and blood and spoke the same language as me in that school. And occasionally, if I found out there were other girls or boys from Romania, Moldova, Russia, or even Ukraine, I felt they were my next-door neighbors [laugh]. Since we all come from those surroundings, it was comforting to know we were not alone. Although I was excited to learn the language, the only words I knew back then were “Yes” “No” “Thank you” and “What is your name?” This lack of knowledge made me ignorant to the words my classmates addressed towards me. In my mind, I never assumed they would say anything harsh. “Why would they anyway?” I thought. However, since day one in my very first class, a troublemaker from the far end of the class spoke some words to me which, not understanding him, I ignored him, turning my attention toward the teacher. But he insisted on speaking and got to the point of getting up from his chair, walked all the way through the classroom, and forced his pointing finger near to my head in a very tough, mean, manner (or he just pulled my hair, I can’t remember what he did exactly). “What’s wrong with this guy?!” I thought. “I’m here for some minutes, barely arriving, he hardly knows me, and already attacks me?” I looked somehow slightly angry inside and bitter, and afraid, “Is this normal here?” 

Along the days some of my other classmates began to use my own name as a form of bullying. Being “Irina” they altered it to “Urina” which in Portuguese is urine. I had no clue what that word meant and went along the “joke” until my ignorance was brought to light by my family while I gladly shared this during one of our meals as if it were a “friendship” thing at school. But turned out it was a form of bullying, crushing me to powder inside. The next day I ended up pushing and harming one of my classmates who got on my nerve. I almost got myself into a fight.

(Funny, isn’t it? Almost all Heartdwellers suffered some kind of bullying back in their days…. Hmm, Lord, I wonder about that).

So this was my childhood and my adolescence—back and forth—school, friends, hidden unconfessed sins, inner battles which deepened, bullying, inner rejection and shame, ungrateful even about my “very white skin”, so to say, which made my arm hairs seem so dark-looking. I had suicidal thoughts, depression, emptiness, and so forth. But my greatest fall happened when I moved school again, around my 11th grade. I met a guy; a classmate of mine (I’ll name him Tony) and I gradually developed a crush on him. Then the deepest end of the pit began:

I would skip some classes and would go to places—you know what happens when teens skip classes and go messing around in hidden places—I would blindly go to this boy’s house and spend hours there, in sins and fornications. I would think that was what love, I mean, that’s love, right? But once again, although I went along with those fornications and sins, which were real physical now, I never had an actual sexual union with him. From day one that I got to his place, I had a strong boundary that I would not have any sexual relationship with him or with anyone until after I marry.

But again, while this secret relationship was happening, God was moving. Tony and I would have some many breakups for whatever reason, really. But I would always forgive and return back to him, just to break up again. Strong warnings in my dreams began to appear where I would see myself as naked and incaged in a football stadium and Tony was on-site at that football stadium. And he was acting as a predator after its prey, wanting to devour her. The warnings kept coming, both in real life and in dreams, until one night I was shown myself being totally naked, by a riverbank, holding his hand. But when I gazed toward the other side of the river, I saw myself in a mirror—a mirror of myself totally abandoned, holding the hand of nobody. The feeling of abandonment struck me to the core which caught my attention. (“Finally!” God would think. LOL). The next thing I see in that dream is an open door with another “me” but this me was clothed, she had a dark sweater, with a dark skirt to the knees, and dark leggings while leaning on one of the sides of the door. This other-me was ever so calmly looking at the naked-me, but gently sad and melancholic at my state. She seemed more mature there. Then I woke up.

You see that whole dream was from the Holy Spirit. He was using symbolic language; The black plain skirt for me symbolized “a religious life” because we orthodox girls would wear dresses or skirts while going to church. And the color black also represented “religious life” because the priests and the nuns would wear mostly black as I saw them in monasteries and churches.

To sum up, it was all God’s doing, with Him putting blocks, warnings, and events to stop me from moving forward with this relationship. He was faithful to warn me, but I was so blind enough not to “get it.” So He allowed me to fall face flat on the floor. Something happened that perplexed me into thinking I was pregnant, which threw me into a full depression like never before. Anxiety made me think of abortion, Fear fueled that idea as thoughts ran marathons in my mind. “Nobody knows a think about me dating Tony, and now to come up with this of me being pregnant?!” One day, while waiting at a train station, still in this deep depression and anxiety, a thought came to me—the thought of going to a priest and repenting of this all. It was my only way out at that point. So I went to an Orthodox Church, our usual Orthodox Church, and when it was my turn to go and confess, instantly, when I saw that priest, hot tears gushed forth. He kindly held my hand to calm me down as I confessed my sins with Tony, And here amazingly something happened here that I went to further in-depth and confessed all my hidden sins that I held onto since childhood. (Amen, to that!!) Trying to understand my situation and my crooked voice which was bad because of crying, the priest understood that, in fact, I was a virgin in body, but corrupted in mind. His next move shook me to the core because he literally put into words a deep tiny secret desire, I held inside myself since a very young age, to whom I said nothing about, to nobody. He tells me with wisdom to not marry but to remain a virgin. Oh boy, oh boy! My crying face suddenly gave off such a smile that it felt as though a fresh wind brought bones back to life. And of course, with each meaningful word God gives to us as guidance, the devil would want to try to steal that, right? Yeah, he tried that, but he failed on the spot [that’s another story]

But a little background about my tiny little wish— What inspired in me that tiny secret desire was a word that I had heard from someone mentioning that many virgins surrounded Mother Mary in Heaven, as they all were under her motherly protective care and mantle. It made me wish, “Aw, I wonder if I could be among them.” Hmm, I melted at the thought—and that thought was for brief seconds, but it never left me. It just got deeper inside me. And sometimes, it might have been that I wanted to not married anybody because of what I was going through with those perverted sexual sins, which at a certain point began to tire me. So I just wanted to remain single and care not about this union.

So, after finally repenting of all, in comes the season where I search for spiritual food for my soul once again. Eventually, I found the Heartdwellers YouTube channel back in 2017, through a person named Jackie who kept mentioning the name “Sister Clare”. I went to investigate who this person was this person, Sister Clare, and after finding the channel and after checking how the people respond to that channel in the comments, I settled down and I dived in the messages. Each day I would just watch a thousand messages. Of course, I’m exaggerating, but I would see them, and I would love the dialog Mother Clare had with Jesus. So friendly, so open, and so “herself” it made me want that type of relationship with Jesus too, so much so that when I found out in a message that I had to repent of all my known sins first and give my heart to Jesus, I just instantly took a sheet of paper and wrote down all my sins, even to the secret sins I just repented of before, (I still wrote them down because I didn’t want anything to escape me, so I just wrote them down), making up my mind that in the morning I will tell them before the Lord. However, Jesus surprised me. The very next morning being half-asleep, half-conscious I began to hear some words keep flowing in the air and hitting my ears repeatedly “Love me badly, as you do.” Then I instantly notice a man wearing all white and with his hooding on. He had his hand on my messy morning hair.

Fun fact: I was looking at him with the back of my head, I had my face toward the wall. LOL)

“What! Jesus?? Let me see if his chin is the way I saw in the portrait of Akiane!” Quickly I focus on his handsome beard and chin, “Yep, totally different from our slim Orthodox Jesus pictures. Man, he’s handsome.” And all of those silly thoughts in split seconds! Why didn’t I look at his eyes instead? Hmmm?

Waking up completely I wondered at his words, “Love me badly…as you do” ? But I barely know you or feel any madly emotion of love for you, I wondered. But I deeply wanted to love him that way. Maybe my spirit loved him so, while my conscious self is oblivious of my spirit’s state with the Lord.

From then on, my lifestyle gradually began to have firm changes. I would put into action the teachings of avoiding sin shown in television, magazines, movies, anime, etc. All the things that I sought after for my pleasure before, I began to despise and shunned away. Even to the point of shutting down the TV in the face of my older brother’s face over a movie scene! My behavior was noted by my family and therefore with that began some form of resistance and slight persecutions at times. The tension between mom and I rose up most keenly while dad felt he was caught up in the middle of “gunfire” where he had to choose sides: his wife or his daughter. The women of the family were at “war” when the topic of Heartdwellers and Jesus appeared, or of my “strange” behaviors. Which I never told them anything most openly. So that also rose up tension between us.

For the next 2/3 years, God would lay the foundation in me, and, in His wisdom, He closed some doors for me because I went “offline” and “off-the-map”, so to say. Those years were mainly constituted with my little family, God, Heartdwellers, Art, and discovering my gifts, to say among the main things. None of my few friends knew a thing about me, because again, I told nothing. Our group chat on Skype became like an abandoned village.

Each year there would be major blessings that would always mark that year, which made me always ponder for the next year, “Hmm, what would this year be like?” I asked the Lord, curious and excited because He would do something new each year. There you go, as it says, “He is new every morning” in this case “every year!” [Laugh]

The first year He gave the new heart of flesh. The second year, the gift of tongues, and a final release from the remaining lingering waste from the past perverted sins which tired my mind. I felt discouraged at that moment because, having been for so long in that sin, it kind of twisted my mind. My imagination was pretty much a trash can. I would see normal natural objects or whatever, and my mind would instantly pervert it to something sexual. It was sickening and tiering me. I could not even wash my own body while in a shower, I had to close my eyes so I won’t see my body and have some perverted sins toward myself If could not even read the Bible when something like the union of husband and wife was mentioned because, yeah, it was tough. On the third year, God decided it was time to bring me out of my hidden place; He gave me a job. For a full year, I would work at the laundry of Hotel Corinthia in Lisbon. (And he also brought back my few 3 friends.) It was amusing because the laundry was at the very bottom floor. “Man I feel like the Underground Church!” Kept underground for a whole serving year. “Oh boy, this place feels like the Corinth of the Early Church, so many nationalities gathered in one place here. Wow! Even the boss is named Caesar!” (Yeah, that’s true. He was like the second in charge, but he was the most present in that hotel).

Hilarious, Lord, hilarious…!

And then the fourth year (2020) is famous for its worldwide lockdown. This year was spent inside our apartment, awaiting the birth of my first niece, and tending to my ministry with Rainbow, previously known as LoveGodLife, now known as Heartdwellers Caribbean.

But in comes the fifth year (2021), and once again “God is new every year.”

Detach and Abandonment

October 9, 2021

Hello brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family. May we all receive the grace of great detachment and abandonment from our own wills and expectations.

I have made it known to you my interior fiery trial that I have been under. Although I had surrendered to the Lord’s Will, I was struggling strongly with my reasoning as I kept thinking—the promises the Lord gave me, the message in which he instructed me on the City of God Community and Derrick—did I hear wrong? Did I allow my “self” to get into those messages? Did a lying spirit come in at some point, and I was so attached that I didn’t discern right? That actually is a lot easier for me to understand. All of these things have happened before but from the songs and the Rhemas the Lord had given me he was clear that it was him speaking to me and those messages were true. However, if it was the Lord, I was struggling to reason with why his promise didn’t come to pass because he is faithful—he doesn’t lie. But how could I reconcile this in my heart and mind as the enemy was pounding me with overwhelming thoughts of the complete opposite? Because I had been faithfully broken in this way every year with this promise and met with contradictions instead of a fulfilled promise. I didn’t know what to think. After this long attack of battling in my mind for over a week, He finally broke through.

After prayers, as I finally made a resolute decision to lay down with it and cling to the story of Job—that He didn’t have to give me a reason for doing what he does with me. And just like Job, all I could think to say was “…though he slay me, yet I will praise you”

However, Jesus, being my ever-compassionate spouse and friend, didn’t want to leave me there—although he is God, and he easily could have given no answer, because he doesn’t have to. But he did, out of love for me. What patience and graciousness he had towards me through this trial was for me because I was so hurt. And many couldn’t understand how personal this trial was for me. It wasn’t something I could just let go of so easily because it shook my faith and my relationship with Jesus to the very core. And I wasn’t the nicest spouse either. I had many unkind thoughts in my heart towards him I am ashamed to say but it’s honest.

I kept thinking, if I couldn’t trust Jesus and his word, then who could I trust? That is what I was feeling, and Lord knows I have been through so much to hold onto this promise when I wanted to let go of it so many times—but that is another video for another time.

So after receiving Him in Holy Communion I heard a flood of thoughts come in my mind as the Lord said this trial was a lesson, a lesson in going much deeper in detachment and abandonment. He wanted me detached completely even from the words and promises he gives me. That was new for me because were taught to cling to God’s Word, to stand on it because it’s unshakable. But as a Protestant, we are never really taught that the Lord can change his mind and to cling Him alone not to the promise, the work, or even the ministry. Corrie Ten Boom who became an evangelist and a hero during the Holocaust by saving so many Jews at the cost of her own family said, “I have learned to hold everything in my hands loosely, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.”

So I am learning as I came before Jesus saying, “Lord, I am understanding that this fiery trial is a lesson on detachment and greater abandonment to your will?”

Jesus responded, “Yes, My beloved one, you are burning beautifully”.

Really, Lord? I started laughing because that is a lyric from a song that has been on the minds of all of us at the house—as the Holy Spirit is playing that over and over again in our heads. It’s called “Refiner” by Maverick City—as the lyrics state;

I wanna be tried by fire,
Purified

You take whatever you desire,
Lord, here’s my life
You take whatever you desire,
Lord, here’s my life
You take whatever you desire,

Lord, here’s my life
Burn me beautiful
Burn me lovely
Burn me righteous
Burn me holy

Jesus continued,

“Yes, My little one, you are burning in holiness, in My righteousness, in purity, and amidst your tears, discouragement, and bouts of many doubts, you’re praising me and dancing through this fire. As I told you before, you will prevail—you and all the others that are in the fire. I am purifying My bride making her ready for our wedding day. As the time continues on the trials will get hotter for the temperature must be turned higher to bring a greater purity to all My beloved brides.

“My Mother did tell you about this, My little one. That you would have tests and trials in the coming days in different degrees, some hotter than others.” Here Jesus is referring to the message Crowns of Favor. “But know that it is all for your good, and My glory. Thank you for not leaving me, My beloved one. I know how hard this has been for you and tempted with one of the strongest compulsions you have ever had to leave my side. But I am faithful even when you are not and I am always constant and steady even when you waiver, to hold you steady to Me until your wandering heart conforms to mine and it is almost there.

“I am squeezing you and all My brides until the last drop—All for souls—as you have been teaching. I want that phrase to resound far and wide. I want it to be engraved upon the hearts of My brides and to clothe themselves in this selfless phrase. “All for souls”, because that is what it’s all about, My beloved little ones. Allow Me to use you as I please; pick you up, place where I please; do with you what I please, and allow all manner of things to you for my good pleasure for the salvation of souls.

“I want you to be completely dead so that I may live and move through you. So many don’t realize My life on earth was full of sacrifices. Every single day burdens I carried, inconveniences, many contradictions, and a constant change in conformity to the Father’s Will. He was My everything, His direction, His commands, His will was my everything, that is what I lived for. And I too had to learn suffering to be perfected in obedience.

“Do not think for one moment being separated from My Beloved Mother and stepfather in Jerusalem didn’t cause me anxiety too, and pain in My heart because I knew it would cause them much trouble and suffering. The Father always didn’t tell me what the outcome would be ahead of time, but I had to be obedient. When there were leaving in their caravan, He simply told me to stay behind and to not go with them. He didn’t tell me how long this separation would last.

“Although fully God I had laid down My Divinity and even My Divine Maturity to be like a child so that I may be led by My Father as a child as I too pondered in my heart and mind why the Father would ask me to do such a thing. But I yielded in full submission to His Will and began to walk away from them.”

As an aside, Jesus is referring to Luke 2:41–52, when, as a boy, Mary and Joseph lost Jesus for three days.

“It wasn’t until they left that He led me day by day as to where to go, where to listen to the rabbis and then He endowed Me with wisdom for that moment to confound the religious teachers and Pharisees of our day in the temple to show his power manifested through me, His Son. So when My Mother and My stepfather came questioning Me as to why I had caused them so much anxiety and stress, “I answered as My Father told Me to answer, ‘I was about His business’. Then I understood at that moment why it was vital to not only test the hearts of the religious leaders, but the hearts of My dear Mother and stepfather as the Father tested My Heart to ensure that I would be obedient to his every request, however absurd, and however contrary it was to my own reasoning. Do you understand now, My beloved little one?”

Yes, Lord, I am beginning to understand. You sounded so human.

Jesus continued,

“Yes, human I was fully in all things. I was led by the Father into the confusion. It is not a sin to be confused, but to submit to your confusion thereby causing you frustration, irritation, impatience, and resentment at God and His Will, is pride. That I never did. I was obedient to the Father unto death, and I am asking, desiring, and shaping all my brides to do the same.

“A pure soul who walks in detachment and abandonment only to divine providence is a soul that will be endowed with much glory, much favor, and much grace from on high. We see a soul like that from Heaven as a temple, an abode that we can not only dwell in but live in and live our lives through because they are so yielded to what we desire with no resistance. A soul truly that we can abide in and move and have our being.

“That is what the heroes of faith had become. My beloved brides. They were men and women so yielded to the My Will—fully abandoned and detached from their preferences, desires, and even the promises I gave them.”

As an aside he referring to Hebrews 11 where it talks about the heroes of faith in the Bible. I encourage you to read the whole chapter. It’s so refreshing and inspiring!

Hebrews 11:13 says, “These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.”

Jesus continued,

“They did not begin that way, it was a process for them, but they persevered. David, knowing his nothingness, and his sin, pleaded with me to save his first son with Bathsheba after his fall in adultery and murder. But after I took his son from him, He got up, rather, to eat and be merry not to curse me or be resentful at My Will because He knew I was good. I had heard his pleading, fasting, and prayer, but I had a different purpose in mind, and he submitted to that wholeheartedly.”

And that’s in 2 Samuel 13-24,

Abraham, after waiting years for the promise of his son Isaac, and now having the joy and fruit of his years with him, was now asked by Me to put him on the altar—to sacrifice his greatest love for Me—and he did. Although with thoughts of confusion and reasoning, still submitted to abandon himself and detaching himself from his most beloved child and would have given him to Me if I didn’t intervene.

“He and many more—Paul and the apostles— did not come to see the fulfillment of many of my promises. The vision of all tribes and tongues worshiping Me in spirit and in truth as it is happening today. But they all believed, and it was counted to them as righteousness. They believed even when my word was not fulfilled in their lifetime because they were detached, and abandoned from their own understanding and what they desired. I am asking my brides to do the same in this hour and in this time.

“Many of you will continue to be tested this way. For I am not a man that I should lie and indeed not one Word from my mouth will return void but in the way I desire, and in the way that will bring the most glory to God. Detach, detach, detach, My beloved brides. Abandon yourself in complete trust to Me.

“You have been taught to pray many things away, to seek my hand to deliver you from your trials and give you rest. But this is the time for battle, and it bears repeating. My brides, I am not resting, I am fighting for the dear lives of souls daily, pleading, suffering, and praying that one would not perish, and I want you next to Me. Your life is the way of the cross, completely crucified with Me.

“Just a few years ago I asked the question through my servant, Mother Clare if you all would follow this way and those who didn’t want to climb this mountain, I said I would love them no differently, but they wouldn’t have intimacy with Me. And you all responded “yes” in your hearts, to climb this mountain with Me.

“It is only going to get steeper and harder as the months and days go on, My beloved ones, for My coming is very near. I will strengthen you for what is ahead, but I ask that you don’t turn back, please don’t give up, and don’t give in to the lies that are assailing you all. Finally, let go of your way, of your own expectations, and every time you pray or seek me simply say, “Nevertheless, Father, not my will be done, but Your Will be done,” and that is a prayer I will answer, as you detach and abandon yourself to the outcome, as we climb, fight, and suffer together—all for the salvation of souls. I love you so tenderly and I am so grateful for all that you have endured and persevered through. Please, we are almost at the finish line. I am walking and carrying your cross with you. Your faith has been accounted to you as righteousness. Trust me and abandon yourselves to me completely. We are in this together.”

That was the end of Jesus’ message.

Then I pulled a Rhema, and it said, “The devils are so angry because you keep on going, you do not stop, and they hate you for it.”

So don’t stop, brothers and sisters. Remember, All for souls! God bless you until the next message.