Hello, brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family.
I let my emotions get the best of me again. Derrick and I have been going to counselling and doing the church 22-day fast and prayer has helped as we meet together every evening to pray for an hour. We also are praying together every morning and things have been so hopeful and sweet between us. However, yesterday I met him at his office and reacted negatively to something he had done that morning. I told myself I would wait to speak to him in person, and I did so calmly, just sharing my feeling and trying to help him understand the emotional wounds of my past and why certain actions of his can trigger pain from my past. I thought it would be a time of bonding and understanding… I felt not heard and rejected.
I have also been struggling with resentment in my heart and jealousy because of the attention he gives a mutual friend of ours who is going through marital issues. He is a great counselor to her and so very attentive, but I found myself feeling so lonely and unheard when it comes to me.
After our little meltdown, we both apologized to one another but I could feel the sting of resentment in my heart.
He left to travel this morning and I told myself when we got home that night I would make it a peaceful time… but boy! my emotions again crept up and I didn’t, when I thought I would be met with reassurance, it just made things more frustrating. So, in the morning I was feeling so disappointed with myself, lonely, and insecure all over again.
Then I pulled out Rhema cards. It said:
The Lord heard my cry, I do not condemn you, rather I am so deeply in love with you every day. You have nothing to be ashamed of My beloved spouse. Nothing and no one is ever going to separate us.
I just balled in tears. Then the second card said:
Stay on the Cross with me, this crucified soul resembles the Saviour where he expects with good reason to find consolation, he finds the cross. He lives among many friends but has no one but Jesus, this is how God treats the soul he especially loves. – St. Faustina
The next said:
Die to self. He who has acquired perfect love for God goes through life as if he did not exist.
I was like okay, Lord this is so hard.
Last Rhema card said:
To those who were afraid of being judged imperfect, she declared: “that they find you imperfect is precisely what you need. That is a real blessing, for you can then practice humility which consists not only in thinking and saying that you are full of faults but in rejoicing because others think and say the same thing about you.”
I think the Lord was saying in a very nice way, “Girl, get your life!”
Then I spoke to another brother on the mountain who was struggling with a couple of things. Just feeling so empty inside, struggling to have a desire for the Lord, holy things, or anything for that matter, and immediately the thought of the mystical death popped into my mind: that it was the Lord doing this to make him feel so empty inside concerning the things of God and everything around him and I encouraged him to just continue to do what he knows to do and consolation would come, that God was emptying him so that He could fill him. He was dying alright but now it was the Lord living through him and that is why he felt nothing. Then it hit me that the Lord was doing the same thing with me and most likely all His brides, and rather than feeling condemned, we should accept this state and allow the Lord to work.
So, after my Lord’s Supper, I came before Him,
“Lord, I am so sorry for being so distracted in my adoration time today and sorry for my stinking attitude. I am just having trouble dying and I am murmuring inside, Lord, because of these emotional wounds… Thank you for the sweetest Rhema you gave me, [they] brought me to tears because I felt so alone in all of this.”
“You are expecting too much from him, Beloved, expect everything from Me instead. In time Derrick will come to a place of understanding, sensitivity, and compassion, but now he is battling his own demons and putting great effort to stay faithful to Me and to you. He is doing wonderful Beloved! You too have no idea the attacks that come against his mind and emotions.
“You have Me in the most intimate way and friendship, so you have a greater consolation than he has. He will come to this place soon in hearing My voice and conversing with Me, but it will take time. Until then he has to reason with himself and follow My Spirit through the ups and downs, twists and turns he faces. So, you see, his challenge is greater.
“When you are on the cross with Me, you see from My perspective and not yours. I will be the one to heal the wounds of your heart for now. Continue to be Oh so patient with yourself and with him as well. I want you to make it a point this week to praise him for everything. Say nothing negative or corrective, or even share any negative feelings you have. Share them with Me instead and rather praise him for the smallest effort you see him doing. I know it will be difficult because you carry your feelings like a robe on your heart and I am teaching you to give your feelings to Me and rather carry My righteousness and the fruits of the spirit instead. You also have been doing a good job. Not so quick to speak about what you see and how you feel immediately, but you think and wait for the appointed time.
“The demons jumped on you two yesterday, and what could be a beautiful time together turned sour. Be smarter than the devils, Beloved. It will be the sweet intimate moments they will always try to ruin with magnified actions and negative emotions. Immediately if you feel them or see something you don’t like give it to Me. I promise a time will come were you will be able to share everything safely and securely with him without any frustration and he will receive you with such tenderness, affection, and patience to help you through your struggles, but he is just not there yet, so lean on Me for now until I make him strong enough to handle the intensity of what you go through.
“He will, Beloved, and that time is coming! Be in great anticipation for what I will do on your trip to India. So many things will change not only in him but in you as well. I will knit your hearts, your mind, and souls together beautifully, but you both have to be broken first for Me to build up, and I am building up that foundation by breaking you each day in various trials, tests, and sufferings so I have something to work with as I work on him.
“Be at peace, all will go well today. Just keep your eyes and heart fixed on Me trusting Me and continuously trusting him. His love for you is growing daily. Believe it, for it truly is! As I am taking him down a road of self-knowledge and self-reflection. Just do what you must, Beloved, and don’t condemn yourself or be afraid when he sees your weakness or imperfections, nor fear his response to them. Apologize quickly and accept all that I allow after that as means of purifying you and your love.
“Purification is on My heart to speak to all My brides.
“You can only be transformed, My beloved ones, by dying. Dying is never beautiful or easy but it’s oh so necessary to your perfection, and for you to really know My goodness, you must die to yourself.
“There is a place in the first stage of dying where I allow trials and wait to see your reaction and response. When you pass certain tests of virtue, I then increase more of the same test until you are whole heartily walking in that virtue constantly. The more tests I give you, the greater plans I have for your sanctification. So, there is cooperation involved. Either you can respond in your flesh or you can respond in virtue, it is your choice and free will.
“Then the second stage of death is of a mystical one. All of this I do to bring you to the soul’s ultimate goal: perfect union with Me.
“You see, My beloved brides, that is what each of you was created for: Union with your God, your Maker. Yes! When you give your life to Me and are filled with My Spirit, I come to dwell in you, My Father and I, as said in scripture.
Jesus answered and said unto him, if a man loves me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.
“However, there are far too many souls that have not fully surrendered their wills, their bodies, their minds – their all to Me. So yes, I dwell in the hearts of many, but I am not [their] God and Lord, rather their flesh, their desires, and pleasures are. For those I have called to great heights in holiness, I strive after union with that soul and that is the destiny of all My brides. Where truly they no longer live, but I live within them.
“There is all the difference [between] living in God, and God living in you.
“For those who give Me their lives and are filled with My Spirit, many live in Me. They do works of charity, exploits, and ministry to draw souls to Me for My glory, and that I appreciate so very much!
“But there are the little ones, My true brides whom I live in.
“Now that life is one that brings bewilderment even to the ministers of My Church because your life is mostly hidden in Me, dying daily to your affections, your preferences, your opinions. Being seen as nothing, nobody, and useless even to the world, because you have no great fruit to show for your life. A life of white martyrdom. Oh, how you look just like My Mother, so ordinary, plain – but in the eyes of heaven you are shining bright with much glory because it is My life being lived through you!
“A mystical death is one of many times of emptiness.
You live many times in a place without consolation, no feelings, and sometimes [no] desire of anything godly or good, but yet you find yourself doing it anyway. It’s as though you are going through the motions of day-to-day labor, toil, and life loving Me the best way you can, giving Me what you can, and seeing yourself as having no worth, nothing to offer but your misery. Oh, but My brides, that is when you have given Me everything. It is I, Myself, that has put you in this state of emptiness. Sometimes you can’t even think… Everything is empty the only thing you know to do is to come to Me, stay with Me, and then go about your day.
“I do not condemn you and do not let the devils convince you – it is rather then you are dying beautifully.
“No longer look for feelings or consolation to be a measure of My delight or pleasure over you, beloved ones. No. It is your obedience, despite how you feel, your faithfulness to come to Me daily even when it’s dry, and your offering even when you have nothing that gives Me pleasure.
“On this earth, I was a man aquatinted with suffering and grief. It was My constant lot. [Isaiah 53:3]. Dryness, anguish, and tears in prayer were My constant food, day and night. Even when put in ministry and My fame went through Israel from Galilee to Damascus, surrounded by so many who sought My attention, My time, and although having My wonderful companions, My disciples – I felt very alone. Longing for My Father to be with Him. Longing to find faith among Israel of anyone who truly understood who I was, and the gift of salvation that had come to them and not just for what they could get. I, too, felt bouts of loneliness. It is then I would pray and lift My eyes to the Father and remember the reason in which I was sent and the joy that was set before Me —to have all mankind reconciled to Me in heaven, where there would never be a taste or feel of loneliness or feeling of being misunderstood or rejected. So, I understand…
“My brides, endure in this time of your passive purification. This won’t be the last I purify you to empty you so that I can fill you to overflow until your entire being, soul, mind, will, and emotions are filled and possessed by Me! So we are dying together. Accept everything that comes your way, knowing that it is Me fashioning you, and no longer despise this process or rather think something is wrong with you because of the lack of feeling and emptiness you feel.”
And when He said this it reminded me of another Rhema I got this week.
Accept everything and let Me act. Cherish what each moment brings… considering it as the best possible thing for you… have perfect confidence in God’s goodness.
“Just keep going, My brides. Take each day as it comes, picking up the crosses I send daily, and continue to follow Me and you will arrive at the expected end.
“I love you, My sweet little ones, and remember: nothing, I mean nothing, will ever separate us from one another. Nothing will ever separate My love from you. Absolutely nothing. Rather we are becoming more and more in union with each other until your vessel is entirely Mine.
That was the end of Jesus’ message.
I want to share with you a Rhema one of the intercessors got at that moment as I was working on this message which really ties in with the Lord’s message and confirms this word. It says:
We must reach the stage when all that the world contains ceases to exist and God is everything to us Now for this to happen God destroys all our personal affections. It does not matter what they are. We may take up some special kind of devotion a particular pious practice, try to become perfect by following certain paths, and seek the guidance of other people.
No matter what it is we attach ourselves to God will step in and upset our plans so that instead of peace we shall find ourselves in the midst of confusion trouble and folly as soon as we say I must go this way, I must consult this person, I must act like this, God at once says the opposite and withdraws his power from those means which we ourselves have chosen.
So, we discover the emptiness of all created things and are forced to turn to God and be content with Him. How fortunate we are if we understand God’s loving strictness and eagerly cooperate with it. We rise above all that passes away and rest in the unchanging, the infinite…