I’m Not Good Enough – Testimony Part 2

I ended Part 1 by letting you all know that I had forgiven my wife. I really did, guys. She disappeared and abandoned me when I was at my lowest. Shame covered me and my family — but I still did. That’s the only way I knew to love. I loved her by the book, the way the Lord loves. It was a patient love. I loved her through misunderstandings and — I suffered long through them. Yes, and I made the choice to love her, even more. I intentionally chose to forget everything, and she had no conditions to abide by… You see, some people look over the fence and see the grass greener on the other side and they start wanting or coveting what they perceive to be better… But I was, and still am, of the mindset that if my grass is parched and yellow — it’s my grass… If my wife treats me or says things sometimes — it’s my grass… If on the day when I’m fasting she decides to prepare something for me to eat, and when I don’t, she ends up swearing she won’t prepare things for me anymore — it’s my grass… I found that Loving this way is so liberating — truly, it is liberating, guys. And I will tell you, it’s amazing.

Yeah, you’ll find those [who] will mock you and call you all kinds of names for loving selflessly, but they’ll never know how free you feel — almost the same as when you’re obeying God when He tells you to do something. of course, it doesn’t come close because it doesn’t give the same peace, but you definitely feel free… You have nothing to hide on your phone, no conversation you need to delete… You’re just free… She was grateful, oh so grateful… She got pregnant right away, so fast that it arose suspicions with everyone, causing them to question if the baby was mine. A thought that never even crossed my mind, until the very lead pastor took me aside to ask me if I was sure that the baby was mine. I had no doubts, so therefore I answered him accordingly. And when my son was born, every mouth was silenced, because he was, and still is, “mini-me”. Well, maybe I’m stretching it because I’m not half as cute as he is.

A few months after he was born, the derogative comments came back. I was being called all kinds of names and the behaviors that preceded her disappearance also came back. The feeling of not being good enough was the underlining of every interaction with her. All I cared about was going to work, paying for the bills, and spending time with my family. But that was not enough — no matter what I did, I needed to do more. Maybe she wanted a bit more security, to secure a future for our son, but in the process, she was destroying me as a man. And the thought hit me, and I was absolutely certain that she was going to leave me again.

Fear enveloped me like a sleeping bag, and I didn’t know what to do… I always believed that if you ever do something once, you’ll most probably do it again. Therefore, the thought hunted me to the point where I started drinking again like crazy. And this time, I took it — out of the park. I was always drinking, which means I was always drunk. I ended up drinking with the wrong person, who started telling me how much of an amazing man I was, that she had been listening to me talk to the managers and supervisors and how smart I was… Things I was never being told at home. And since I was deep down looking for a way out of my misery, it didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time — to leave my wife first — move on to someone [who] appreciated me. And so, one thing led to the other and I cheated on her. It might seem like an excuse to some of you, — yeah, I know — it seems like it to me right now… But oh, I began to hate myself, I began to lose myself. My drinking went to a whole other level. Because I used to take pride in being of the very few men in a conversation that never cheated on his wife — many times the only one — and I could no longer claim that.  I was the faithful one — the one everyone used as an example… And I lost that…

My being the faithful one, was my identity in some ways. The only value I had in my own eyes. I wasn’t good enough at anything else, remember…? And I began to hate her for loving me so little… So I started making plans wanting to leave her… I was in a dark, ugly pit of despair… No value, no Identity, and feeling worthless… But God, in His goodness, came to set me free.

I later learned that she fasted long for me to leave the drinking and that’s exactly what happened. First, the Lord made me understand that I couldn’t leave my family, He made me stop drinking, then He manifested Himself to me. He came and hugged me, guys — I don’t know many people [who] can say that — Jesus hugged me in real life… and that’s when I truly became a true believer — when I truly gave my life to Him.

I repented — and I redoubled my commitment to my wife, loving her unconditionally. But this time I no longer was seeking her approval for everything. Instead, I was seeking to hear Jesus. Because He touched me, I was convinced that He was speaking to someone and that’s how I found the “Still Small Voice Channel” on YouTube. And wanting to make sure that I was not being deceived, I started looking for witnesses to confirm every word given to Mother Claire. So I started looking for others, and I found a channel called, “The Fellowship of the Martyrs”, with Uncle Doug Perry, whom the Lord spoke to clearly. Another one channel was “Lord’s Lessons”, from a brother and sister who received messages from the Lord. And of course — Mother Elisha’s channel. That was around 2015, about 7 years ago. That’s how I became a Heartdweller.

Doug Perry said something that stayed with me. He said; “If you’ve abandoned your life to Christ, and you still have your wife and family… God Bless you…” He said that with tears in his eyes. Because he had a business, was married with two little girls, and He lost everything. Now I know why I never forgot. During all those years, I was growing closer to the Lord — but my wife was growing colder towards me. I would from time to time, resort to conversating with people about the Lord, just to have someone to talk to about those things because I felt that my wife was not interested. We had our second son and things were just moving along. When covid started we moved to New Jersey. She started working for the city — I started working seven days a week, in order to be of value to her because I was feeling that she was losing all interest in me. And one day, just to confirm my feelings, I asked her if she would rather that I be home instead of at work on Sundays.  She said she’d rather the money. It got really hard for me… But — I did what I knew to do best — I redoubled even more in my love for her, ignoring the comments.

I can’t say I was a saint, guys… She had reasons sometimes to make me feel that I was worthless… I never finished anything I started. I started medicine and didn’t finish.. I started accounting and didn’t finish.. I started to learn to do taxes and didn’t finish… I started a security training and didn’t finish.. and the Last thing I started was nursing… and of course — I didn’t finish… By the beginning of 2021, she had three degrees and a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, and I had nothing. I wasn’t good enough — even worthless to her. But what baffled me was that I was the one she would come to when she didn’t understand something… Yup… even for her homework… But anyway, by the beginning of the Year of 2021, she seemed completely sick of me. So I went to the Lord asking Him, to show me what was going on. But I didn’t expect what He was going to say, what He was going to ask me to do. He wanted me to confess what I did when I cheated on her — and I was like “Noooo….” That woman is not in any condition to receive a confession like that. So I didn’t do it… About two months later, we were driving from New York, and I asked her, “Baby… What am I good at?” She took a second and said… “Well… when you want to, you can clean real good…”  And I was like, what?… Wait, wai wait… What am I good at, regardless of the conditions… and she said.. “Nothing”… you’re good at Nothing”, And that’s when I knew, that she had no respect for me as a man and much less as her husband. And again I went to the Lord and this time He said. “She is going to leave you. She hasn’t because she can’t find a reason… So I want you to confess to her what you did… If you don’t, when she leaves, she will never come back… you will lose your family… but if you do, I promise you, that I will bring her back. I will destroy the current foundation of your relationship, and I will make it anew. I will make it a holy one…”

Man, I was so scared in doing it… that when I did it, it was hardly a confession, I think I even blamed her… but that’s all she needed to get a divorce… She divorced me saying that the Lord will understand, because although she had known that I did that— I had disrespected her when I came told her that again. And the Bible says that if your spouse has relationships outside of the marriage, you are able to divorce them. And the worst nightmare of my life began…

The Lord is always right — she was only waiting for a reason…. She got divorce papers in front me two weeks later.  When I wanted to take a couple of days before signing it, she made sure I did, in that very moment… She said to me — she wasted twelve years of her life with me, and that she was not willing to waste another second… And that if I didn’t do it now for free, I would do it anyway and that it would cost me greatly… Her words — the way she said them — with the passion that she employed to say them —they [sank], those words sank so deep that my hands just signed the paper…

Guys, I thought this would have taken a few months to sort itself out, because the Lord said that He would bring her back. It’s been now over a year… She even married another man,  and is asking my boys to call me by name and to call the dude Daddy… I don’t want the promise anymore guys, but I’m holding on just because the Lord told me to do so… He later revealed that He is teaching me to love like him — the Hosea type of love — because she will come back, and that she will be a holy woman and a holy wife… Guys, I don’t know how to want or pray a woman that married another man — but The Lord says she is still my wife, and to pray for my wife… He said, I would seek to feel miserable, but I wouldn’t be able to — and it’s true.  He’s right again — because I haven’t been able to remain in self-pity for more than one night or moment, I always stay at the beginning stages of that feeling… What a promise… Supposedly, I’ll the most joyful and most accomplished and happy husband that I have ever dreamt  to be, and that souls are piling up in heaven because of my suffering… But I don’t know how to want this, guys. I don’t know how to want the promise… Please pray for me…

Well, I remember, months later after I went to see her and I told her, “Babe, I remember asking you if I was good at anything and said, “Nothing”. I want you to know that even animals are good at something — people who have pets say, ‘Oh, this dog is so good at doing this or that. To say that I am good at nothing, is a lie. You put me lower than an animal,” — and I walked away. But she followed me — she followed me, and she turned me around and she said, You aregood at something.” And when I heard that I tightened my butt cheeks [chuckle] because I was expecting the biggest blow, the biggest hit of my life — the Biggest blow, the Lowest blow — I don’t know what I was waiting for, but I was like, tightening my cheeks, tightening everything — waiting for it… And then she said — she said —“You have always been good at loving me.” Man, of all the things she could have chosen to say — she said that.  And when she saw my face, she said, “Yeah, I know, I know, you’re probably gonna say that love is not enough for me and this and that…”  And I was like, “Wow, you could have said anything — and you chose to say that. You have no idea what you’re saying… If I was always good at loving you — it means that I have done everything right.  But hey, who am I…?

Anyway, boys and girls, I do not know how to want this promise — I do not know how to desire it — I do not know how to pray for it — I do not know how to be patient like Abraham was patient — I do not know how to be patient like Noah was patient — I do not know how to be patient like Job was patient — because I don’t want … this … I don’t want it — I don’t want a woman who married another man — but she is my wife, the Lord said. So pray for me…

So this is basically the gist of the whole thing. The messages that the Lord has given me will follow. God bless you and keep you always.

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From Jesus With Love

My Name Is Mary Elisha I started this blog 6 years ago on my journey walking with Jesus and never knew all that he had in store for me. It has been a journey of tears, trust and confidence in him. Knowing that He is my loving spouse and he wouldn't lead me astray however he has given many suprises along the way! lol Upon fully surrendering my life to Jesus, he has completely turn my world right side up. Filled me with his spirit and showed himself in supernatural ways. He has completely left me in awe leaving me with the thought.....(as most Holy Spirit filled followers of Christ also say) why didn't I surrender 15 years ago! lol. When I started this blog I was a 30 years old zealous for the Lord and desiring to make his love known because it tranformed my life. However, I didn't know the way and the road in which he would take me. It is the way of the cross, the way of holiness and the way of love. Living a life seperated from the world and compltely concecrated to him. I no longer belong to myself, but to him as he has led me to a life of hiddeness and deep intimacy I didn't know was so avalialble for all who would make their lives, their hearts his home. He has given me a new name, a renewed purpose and a heavenly family who is so very present and so real to me. Saints who cheer me on, give me council and pray for me everyday to ensure I do the Lords will and the greatest gift of all He has led me to his Mother! Who has always been My Mother just never knew it. I love Mother Mary, she is my heart, my friend and confidant and continues to prepare me to a worthy bride to her son, Jesus. It is she, who has handpicked me for this mission and to run the community "City of God: Sacred Heart Refuge" in Ghana, West Africa. This is her mission and her ministry as a gift to Jesus and I just get to be her handmaiden. Heartdwellers Ghana is an extention of Heartdwellers ministry by Mother Clare and Father Ezekiel from Still Small Voice Channel. Jesus has taught us about divine intimacy with him. As we dwell in his heart, He and the Father come to make their home within us. (John Where Jesus is all of heaven is as well because the kingom of God is within. So here may you come to get fresh manna from Jesus and any ther saints who may want to give us council, encouragment and exhortation that we may finish this race of faith and run to win the prize. To be a bride spotless, blameless adorened with purity, carying the fire of charity and zeal for our fathers glory. That we maybe ready for him when He comes back for us. Our Lord, Jesus Christ is amazing the intimate you become with him the more in awe he leaves you. I hope this blog draws you nearer to our Lord and you began to open the ears and the eyes of your heart to all that he has to say to you and show you. All of these messages are from Jesus with love...to you. May you be blessed by his words of life. God bless you!

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