After sharing with you guys the message about the fiery trial I had just gone through and feeling so weary in battle, I pulled five Rhemas— and boy, were they a doozy — for me at least.
The first said,
“My child, my child, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, my child, that your faith may not fail.” (Luke 2:31- 32)
On the back it said:
Tests and Temptations Coming…
The second was Psalm 55 and it said:
“Pray for them, about Betrayal from a close friend.”
Then, Psalm 30 and the card said:
“You turn my mourning into dancing”
And lastly, “My strength is found in you, My Hope is found in you My trust in you will not fail.” (St. Faustina).
I thought to myself, oh boy Lord really—again—another trial? — as anxiety hit me all over again and the fear was overwhelming. This would now be the third fiery trial coming back-to-back. I just couldn’t do it. The whole day I was full of anxious thoughts and fears as I begged the Lord to take this cup from me. I really did. I just need some time of respite — I just didn’t think I could do this anymore.
I was so downcast and deep in thought… But I had to get myself together for our intercessory meeting and afterward, talked to one of my brothers who greatly encouraged me, which was the message you all just heard. It was my time for adoration then, so I stayed in the community chapel after our meeting and began to sing to the Lord a song that I love on the piano for Jesus.
Mother Clare had called us all to a night of prayer. I realized my phone was dead, so I decided to go back to my hermitage to continue adoration. However, when I got outside it was pitch black. So dark in fact you couldn’t see your right hand in front of your face. I didn’t know what to do,—if I should call one of the brothers to bring a flashlight to me? but it was so late. I remembered I had my walkie and when I clicked it a small blue light showed up, so I asked My guardian Angel, Zeal to help me to get home. I had to climb up a steep ridge to get to my place. I began walking and clicking my walkie which only gave a soft light, just enough for me to see my next step, no further. Then lighting began to strike as the scripture came to my mind, “Yea though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil”.
As I was walking I realized this was prophetic. It was so dark, I was in a forest all alone, climbing a mountain in a lightning storm, but I had a peace I could not explain. Not only that, I was actually grateful for the lighting because it gave me more light to my path. I thought, wow Lord, this is what It feels like to walk with you in the valley of the shadow of death. You bring peace in the midst of shadows and even the storm you surround us with is used to give us light—light to our feet. Because when we come through a trial and we overcome, it brings revelation and understanding that can help others [to] overcome.
So when I finally made it home I was in awe thanking the Lord for that profound experience and immediately went into adoration worshiping the Lord.
Then Father Ezekiel called on the walkie reeling in pain as he said that he saw a vision of Jesus tied to the pillar, with the crown of thorns all bloody with a rope around his neck and he was all alone. I immediately sent out the call to prayer and decided to be with Jesus — to meet him there.
Immediately I saw Jesus on the pillar — his back was to me, his entire body lacerated, and He was naked. I remembered the message Our Mother Of Mercy gave to us concerning who would cover him. So I ran to him to cover his naked body with my veil again. I noticed all the members of the community were there, but they were at a distance. I turned to face Jesus as his eyes looked so sad, He was crying and his tears were mingled with blood. I looked at him as the realization of His love for me to endure such torture hit me. And then He said, “Will you do it for Me? Do it For Me.”
This brought such conviction as I realized how again, I had resisted him. I had complained and resented these crosses He was sending me. And now, looking at Love telling me to lay down my life for the sake of love, to be hurt for the sake of love…for the sake of Him. How could I deny love’s request when he did this for me.
I broke down crying. I fell at his feet in front of the pillar and cried and cried. I began to sob in adoration as I then in the vision began to kiss his feet and tell him I was so sorry. I began to repent, and I realized how these recent trials had made me fearful to suffer again, to love again, and to give myself whole heartedly to Jesus again.
I began to touch my wedding band as I cried even harder remembering the vows that I took with him almost three years ago. I saw an image in the Eucharist. It was two arms holding each other’s hands. What was amazing is that one of the arms looked like a habit sleeve just like mine and the other arm was a normal arm extended, holding the hand in the habit sleeve. I knew it was Jesus holding my hands.
I am his wife, in sickness or in health, until death or in life, I am His. How quickly I had forgotten and allowed my love to grow so cold because, if I can be honest, suffering for the sake of souls was only taking me so far and I was tired. I was feeling so done. But when he said, “For Me” I realized that’s what it’s all about, guys. We suffer for the sake of love. We suffer for Jesus because we love him. Suffering is proof of our love that we too are willing to endure, to take up our cross, and share in his sufferings because we love him. It’s fear of suffering that weakens our love for Jesus, and so many stay at a distance because we have a threshold, a boundary line, and a limit. But look at him — just look at him. Jesus never had any limit with us, rather His love was limitless and selfless that it took His life just to redeem us. Yet when He asks us for our lives we resist, we fear, and we stay at a distance denying love’s request. Oh how could we, —how could we, and say we truly love him?
So I renewed my vows at the pillar that night before my naked, beaten, and bloodied spouse, Jesus. That I would no longer resist with his grace or give in into fear of suffering. That I would be willing to go into the fire again and again just for love of him because He is so worth it — He is so worth it and that I was all His to do as He willed.
When I came out of the vision I felt a supernatural grace holding me and given to me to endure this next trial ahead. Then the following morning I had the most amazing time in worship where the Holy Spirit visited me in such an empowering way just as my brother said he would. He came to me, and we danced hand in hand, then he immediately turned into a flame moving like that of a ribbon, dancing all around me, then He pierced my heart. The fire entered into my heart, came out then wrapped itself around me, and entered into both of my hands, my feet, and even in my head coming out of my mouth. I was consumed with this ribbon of fire by the Holy Spirit. Inundated just as the brother said would happen.
So I share this with you, dear Heartdwellers family, what is it the Lord is asking of you? What is it that you fear? —that you are resisting? Have you told Him, “Lord I can bare this — but not, or never, this”? Then we are putting a limit on our love. Do you have a threshold where you say to Him Lord this far and no further I can’t take this suffering anymore? Then you have denied love’s request. He asks much of you because He knows you will give much. Let’s all renew our vows again today with Jesus, for Jesus, and to Jesus that we give him our lives in sickness or in health, in death or in life, and in suffering or in rest we will not deny him anything he asks or takes away.
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