Hello Brothers, Sisters, and Heartdwellers Family. May we be given the grace to let go of ourselves entirely and die already. Die for the sake of love, by dying to ourselves so the Holy Trinity can dwell fully within us because I tend to still kick and scream while dying.
I hope you guys have enjoyed the vlogs from Zambia and see how you have touched the lives of children across the world. Thank you to all those who donated and continue to. Our donations get very low toward the end of the month, and we have so many [whom] we support now, so please remember us.
Okay, after going through that ordeal and leaving Albuquerque, I finally made it back on the mountain. How happy I was to finally make it home and happy to see everyone. In that hospital bed, I wasn’t sure when I would be able to come back — back to the mountain — to this beautiful place — as I stared at the wall all day writhing in pain, with the clock ticking steadily. So I was overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving to God. I met with Mother Clare later on that afternoon after our prayers and I pulled a Rhema card that said, “I want you to stay here and use your gifts gratefully”. I didn’t know what that meant as I thought, Lord, where would I go? I don’t plan on leaving to go anywhere, only to Ghana and that will be towards the fall, I felt. So I was a bit confused. Mother Clare saw the Rhema and sat me down to encourage me but also mentioned to me that she felt I always had that problem — really being in the moment here in the community and not thinking of Ghana or going anywhere else. She shared a few frustrations and made it known she really needed my help and wanted me to really support and back up Heartdwellers Ministry. I didn’t say much but found myself taken aback by the things mentioned because they have been brought up before and there was some truth to it. However, I didn’t feel that this time. I had always simply tried to do the Lord’s will the best way I saw it and got their permission to go to Zambia and work on what God is calling us to do in Ghana. I left feeling a bit wounded and when I woke up that morning I was just brooding about so many things that had been said and this trial the Lord had put me through. I tried my best to fight thoughts, [and] contending arguments. I knew it was the demons bombarding my mind with suggestions and I came in agreement with them. Simply I was struggling to die to self, receiving correction without being offended, being okay with being misunderstood, and yielding in obedience because I was backed up with so much that I had to do for my ministry which I wanted to catch up on. I decided to pull three Rhemas and they said,
1) “Have courage”. True courage does not consist in those momentary moments which impel us to go out and win the world to Christ at the cost of every imaginable danger, which only adds another touch of romance to our beautiful dreams. No, the courage that costs with God is that type of courage which our Lord showed in the Garden of Olives. On the one hand a natural desire to turn from suffering and on the other anguish to accept the Father’s will
2) “Obedience” If you want to grow in holiness through obedience let us constantly look to our lady to teach us how to obey. To Jesus who was obedient to death. He being God went down and was subject to them “
3) “Humility littleness” (from St. Therese) To those who were afraid of being judged imperfect, she declared: “That they find you imperfect is precisely what you need. That is a real blessing, for you can then practice humility which consists not only in thinking and saying that you are full of faults, but in rejoicing, because others think and say the same thing about you”
All of these Rhemas hit home and touched on all that I was dealing with. I knew this was a suffering and the Lord wanted me to be obedient to my covering in helping in the areas needed here in the community. I needed to accept the judgments made toward me with all humility. I then closed my eyes to worship and immediately found myself again on the water in a canoe. During our community Rosary a day earlier, I saw St. Therese and we were in a canoe. I looked at her crying out for help in my heart — to help me navigate through this trial and humble myself. So saw her again right where we had left off and this time she held me. I just burrowed my head in her chest, and she held me as if I was her child — because I am. She put her chin on my head and said, “You are easily offended by words, my little sister. You must submit all and see it from the Lord’s hands. There were times my superiors didn’t understand the work the Lord was doing in my soul and many times I had to see the Lord working through my superiors to do a work in my soul. It is all the same.” She continued to hold me tightly and I felt so at peace as I just rested in her arms. The canoe was rowing on its own and I noticed a shore up ahead and a big tree with green leaves. I realized we were at Mary’s Bungalow. I saw her waving and Jesus standing next to her. As the canoe came close she pulled it in as she smiled radiantly. I came out of the canoe and fell right into Mama’s arms as she hugged me tightly for quite a while. I think they all knew I was beat up, interiorly and exteriorly. I felt so limp. She then pulled away to look at me and smiled. Then she smiled looking at Jesus and taking His arm pulling Him to Me. Jesus and I hadn’t really connected deeply yet through all of this and here was Mama again, always leading me to Him. Jesus was in all white and there was a breeze as his hair fluttered in the wind. He then took me by the arm and pulled Me in close for a hug, then kissed my forehead and said, “Sorry it’s so hard.” I then hugged Him and held Him ever so tightly taking in the fresh fragrance of his tunic. After a moment I looked up at Him to smile, I noticed St. Therese was out of the canoe as she hugged Blessed Mother. They were now arm-in-arm, smiling and whispering excitedly to themselves as they looked at me and Jesus.
Jesus told her to come and as St. Therese came up to him. Jesus said, “My two favorite girls”, and kissed her forehead as well. We were now both arm in arm with Jesus and we walked to a table that was right outside the tree house. Blessed Mother waved us off and we knew she was going to get some treats she had prepared for us. I saw her climb up the tree house and within moments come down with many plates in her arms and then noticed her angels also coming to carrying a few dishes. She sat at the table and before us was a plate with cake, her famous wedding cookies, and drink for all of us. The drink was blue and shimmery I immediately knew it was one of her elixirs from the River of Life. I wondered why they needed to drink it too although they are perfected, but it wasn’t answered. Jesus smiled at me intently and said, “Drink up”. So I did, and I felt this drink touch every part of my soul. I heard him say this will strengthen you. You may not feel it in the physical, but it’s to strengthen your heart. I knew this was healing as I felt the pain leave my heart and a black vapor leave my body. Then in the natural, I began to feel so light. When I came to myself they were all smiling, and Jesus grabbed my right hand and began to caress it and touched our wedding ring with such tenderness. Then he scratched the inside of my palm with his finger. Something Father Ezekiel and I do often as a greeting handshake called the mosquito handshake. I laughed a bit and then he said, “Come”. We got up from the table and began walking. I turned to see St. Therese and Blessed Mother both smiling and waving us off.
Then the area changed from a lagoon to a beach, and I saw walking towards us, Father God, and Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit looks just like Jesus as if they could be twin brothers, but He had strawberry blond hair without a beard. All three had on the exact same outfit, a long white kurta tunic. I was in awe as the Holy Trinity, the Father, the Son, and The Holy Spirit now walked with Me. Jesus was to my right I was in the middle, and Father God on my left, and the Holy Spirit beside him as we walked along the beach. I then stopped and genuflected and did the sign of the cross, but Jesus gently pulled me up as they all smiled at me, and then we sat on a bench. I felt so small sitting between them. The thought that I was but a speck of dust really hit me, and I felt I was shrinking and sinking into nothingness. They, knowing My thoughts said, “We love you and this was a consolation requested by…” and immediately I saw Blessed Mother’s face, she was smiling. I thought she is an amazing Mother it was her prayers that brought me here. God the Father said, “We knew you needed courage and you will continue to need courage for the times ahead.”
I thought, “Oh boy more suffering!”