So the spiritual warfare attacks subsided, but the pain really, really increased and my Malaria [painful sigh] treatments finished like — I think yesterday, but the pain is still there. So the doctors were a little bit baffled because they had to call a university as well, to see how to treat this. They have never treated Malaria as well.
So I found myself feeling just so hopeless. For the past eleven days I’ve just been waking up in pain, going to sleep in pain, not really being able to sleep or rest at all — so painful. And so when they felt as if, (as I’m hearing the doctors) that there’s nothing they can do — I have to ride it out. I asked the Lord — I’m not sure I can do this. So, today I became really hopeless and full of despair. A lot of thoughts came to my mind about going home and going to heaven because I don’t think I can do this anymore.
I don’t think I mentioned but, when I was leaving Sunday, to come to the hospital, I felt I heard the Lord say, seven more days. I remember I rebuked it because I was like, I can’t do this, Lord, there’s no way — pain, you can’t walk, you’re shaking, you’re so fatigued — and the migraine doesn’t help, you can’t open your eyes all the way. Pain in your back, and your neck — it’s just so hard. Now I had a greater compassion for those who are bedridden.
So, anyway, I finally talked to Mother Clare and Father and Elizabeth, they really encouraged me. Father said he saw the crown of thorns on my head, and the pain in my neck was the rope that tied around Jesus’ neck during His Passion. And it just hit me, and I was like, yes, what am I doing? I always say, “All for souls”, right? Well, it’s easier said than done. I found myself here, just complaining the whole time — my suffering, murmuring, wanting to give up and ask the Lord to take this cross or take me home. And it really hit me when they said that and I said, You know what, I’m gonna unite myself with Jesus and His Passion and taking Thursday, of all days, which would then end on Sunday, the seventh day. Because at this point, only the Lord can deliver me — from the curses especially because we can always tell it’s a curse when the medication doesn’t work, or the doctors can’t figure out what is going on because it’s a spiritual matter and have to deal with it in the spirit. So we dealt with it in the spirit but now it’s up to the will of the God — if He wants me to carry this cross. I think that’s what He wants me to do. So today, I made a resolution that the Lord give me the grace to unite myself with Him on Thursday in His Passion.
So, my neck pain was just ferocious, and, um — back pain was so bad as well — and so weak. So the reason I’m sharing this is because I want to encourage others, when they are going through a situation, they unite themselves with Jesus as well. You begin to envision Jesus being tied up by the mob — tied around His neck and tied around His hands really tight, just as in the Passion.
So when I turned my neck I could feel the pain as if I was in Jesus. I could feel the pain that He was going through and enduring for love of me and for souls. So as He began to hobble — hobble to go and see Caiaphas and the Sanhedrin, I hobbled with Him — with all the pain in my body, offering it up. And afterward when that spat on Him and beat him, I could imagine his head was throbbing and bleeding — truly — in so much pain. So as my head was throbbing I united myself — putting myself once again in Christ — in His suffering body. Imagined that it was my head that was being beaten with a club and offering my pain the sovereign pain to Him — uniting it with Him.
And then, what they don’t know — what many don’t know is that there are fifteen secret tortures of Jesus that he went through even before the Passion began — it all happened Thursday. So then I saw them pull Jesus out and the Romans they took him to a secluded area. It looked like almost a, what do you call it, a — tornado shelter because it was kind of underground. They opened it up and it had some steep steps. He was so tired. The Roman soldiers that were already inside — they pulled him from his hands. That means he fell head first on the steps and banged his head one by one as he just reeled in pain. And of course when He fell head first, He also scraped His back — deep gash.— Clearly I felt such a sharp pain in my back. So I began to unite myself with Jesus. And that pain in my spine was that scratch — that deep scratch He took for me on the steps. Then they dragged him by his hair — dragged him — began to kick him — kicking him in his leg and his groin and his side and stomach. He never once screamed — He would just reel in pain — reel in pain. All the aches and pains I was feeling, turning my head and my neck — my body. I began to unite myself with Jesus and in Christ. Uniting myself with the blows he took for me. Then, they pulled him up and they had this compartment kind of like a step. They put him on there and had a hook in the ceiling and they put a hook — the rope they tied around his — still was around his neck, around his hand, they hooked it on the rope. So imagine the excruciating pain with the tension on his neck of the rope and the tension on his hands.
At this time, they got this silver plate — it looked like aluminum foil. They put it under his feet, and they got the torches and it burned, burned his feet. I could see Jesus once again, never screaming. He jumped around, jumped around with the pain and fire, just reeling in pain and never screaming but jumping around as they were burning him and burning his flesh, his feet. And they thought it was hilarious seeing him jump around. They made fun of him as he jumped. They called him all manner of things — monkey, everything you could think of in the book. When they got done, I saw Jesus collapse. He didn’t collapse on the ground because the weight was on the rope that was hooked to the ceiling. His body was just hanging like a lump and blood just coming from his nose — and the wickedness of the soldiers. I saw one of the soldiers get his finger and wipe the Lord’s blood and actually lick it to make a spectacle of the wickedness, almost as if — you know, the idea that your enemy’s blood is on your hands, not knowing that this was divine blood. And because of that, actually he received salvation and was immediately convicted of what they were doing and ended up walking out.
And that’s where it ended. It was only 2:43. I don’t know what else the Lord will have me endure but the more that I will see, I will share with you guys to encourage you once again to unite your sufferings with the Lord as I unite this sickness of Malaria with Jesus and walk out His Passion with Him today, tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday.
God bless you guys.