Hello, Brothers, Sisters, and Heartdwellers family,
This is the first of the messages given to me by the Lord and the Lord addresses my heart motive and attitude during my airplane travels from New Mexico to Newark, New Jersey; to South Africa; then to Zambia.
I met some wonderful people on the way—and I met some men as well.
At first, I initially titled this message, “My Most Embarrassing Message”, then soon realized I am sure there are more messages to come that are more embarrassing than this. But the Lord has been faithful to not allow my heart to wonder one bit and exposed the worst of my ulterior motives and insecurities so that others may continue to benefit from my “hot mess” [laugh] “gosh—uh…..” [deep sigh…] as He reforms and transforms me—which is taking a long time because there are so many layers of mess.
[Loud sigh..] Well, here it goes.
I’m writing this on my second day here in Zambia. It was a very long wonderful journey getting here. I began on Wednesday and had two overnight layovers, one in Newark, NJ, and the other in South Africa. I didn’t arrive in Zambia until Saturday. However, we didn’t get to our final destination until Sunday because we had to drive 11 hours until we reached Pastor Chama’s town. So, to say I was pooped was an understatement—but [I] definitely met some beautiful souls along the way.
During our 11-hour drive, I found my mind drifting off continuously to Derrick and his lack of interest in my trip, and some of the people I met on the journey. I had called him and share him with a photo of my trip and all I got was one word back, “Nice” [chuckle]. I thought, “Okay, ouch!”, as it brought back pains of my past, not even with him, but [with] a former boyfriend of mine who also was disinterested when I had traveled away from him, only to find out that he had someone else on the side at the time. Derrick and I are not even together but I couldn’t shake the insecurities from my mind—and also how I was receiving so much attention from other guys I had met. When I realized I was coveting one of the young men that I had just met, I knew my heart wasn’t right. I quickly told the Lord, “Sorry,” and thought that would be okay, just another sin for confession.
Then I went to ask Him a question in the car using the Bible Promises and He wasn’t answering me at all—but I kept getting “Laziness”, and Loving God, which for me always means, return back to your first love. I knew he was right. Then I got “Loneliness”. For the last three days of Holy Week, we are not supposed to have Adoration to commemorate Jesus in the tomb, but this was early Sunday morning, 12am, Easter, and I had my Pyx with me that held Jesus and I felt he was saying He was lonely and in need of my attention. I went to the Bible Promises asking if He wanted me to spend time with him. I got, “Joy”. I thought “Aw Jesus, of course!” so I held my Pyx close and put my headphones on during this long drive, and began to worship. The songs he played were all love songs — so sweet, wooing me with his love as I was in tears at what I was experiencing in the back seat — My beloved, so in love with me, and I in love with him. Not realizing how much I missed Him [during] these days of travel, although near, I hadn’t been able to spend quiet time with him. Then he played a song by Steffanie Gretzinger called, “Tell Me The Truth.” I gulped because this song He uses to expose certain hidden issues of my heart and I knew what it was.
I thought to myself, “Lord, I said I was sorry!” as I had a replay of all my interior thoughts those past few days and the wrong desires of my heart as well. I began dialoguing with Jesus in my heart, as He also wanted me to expose these issues to Derrick and ask him for forgiveness. Dear—Lord—as fear and anxiety gripped my chest—then I knew he wanted this in a message. So I felt strongly to get my laptop and just begIn writing. I began,
Wow Lord I am so ashamed, as you have brought up the truth in my heart. I am so sorry for offending you in this way and even more embarrassed about the interior disposition of my heart.
“My beloved, you need healing and that is why I am bringing this up and asking you to write about it. Not to shame you, but others struggle with this too. Those in a loveless, cold marriage, especially when you’re called to ministry, you must be very careful and it’s good I bring these up now so you can be healed, made whole, and it doesn’t cause an issue later and form cracks in your marriage. Don’t be ashamed, you are my mirror of transparency I don’t want you to keep anything private from Me or this little flock I have given you. So much freedom is found in truth and the truth will set you and others free. I love you.”
I love you too Lord—so much—many times fail to love you as I should. Thank you for your mercy towards me and your correction and healing of my heart.
“There is no need to be insecure of whom I have called you to be and of who you are. Everything about you is so beautiful to Me, My love. Allow My affirmations, My validations, and My love be enough for you continuously—over and over again. Mother Clare and Father Ezekiel are right, it is so hard to ‘ugly you up’.”
[Laugh!] I said, Lord…
As an aside, that is something they would say to poke fun when Father would notice even in my habit and veil that guys would still find interest in me. He would say, “Girl, we can’t ugly you up!”
“But it’s true, however the habit I placed upon you is a sign and symbol that you are Mine. You are hidden under My earthly wedding garment and how beautiful you are in My sight and all of heaven. Although, you are under construction continuously because there is a mess there and that is what we are working on. I am the potter, and you are the clay. I am forming you beautifully, but there are some pebbles, particles, and cracks now that I will take out as they come to the surface, so you don’t break and crack others in the process. I am calling souls to see your inner beauty and that radiates wonderfully with every word you speak, with every smile you give, with every prayer you say, and every hug that’s given. It is your interior that I want to shine and that I want you to focus on not the exterior.”
So here guys, the Lord is speaking about the growing insecurity that I have been having for a couple of weeks now — being self-conscience about a couple of things concerning how I look. In the past, there were faults and criticism of certain things about the way I look that were pointed out and didn’t realize left some wounds. Derrick and I talked about these things recently and he realized how it wasn’t kind and he would change that about his nature, but I found myself now self-conscience of what he had said and found myself surprised at the attention I was getting from other men and even liked it, causing it to build my self-esteem rather than being confident in who I know I already am in the eyes of the Lord.”
“You were wise to cover up a bit more when you were noticing glances, and with every advance from a young man, you continuously drew them to Me. I also don’t want you to despise your frame or your look. I made you specifically in all that detail. So, although some may be drawn to your outer beauty, I use it to draw them to myself because I can trust that you draw them away from yourself and draw them to Me. That is what I love about you and why I can entrust you with the beauty I have given you. It is a gift, but I have seen some cracks in your heart that have been there and this time, that is what I want to address.
“My beloved, insecurity stems from a lack of confidence in Me, and low self-esteem comes from the world’s measure and standard that continuously compares itself to their fellow counterparts and gives titles to the most beautiful and most handsome. In heaven, it’s quite different. We care nothing of the outer beauty, but the beauty of the heart. You will be amazed when you get to Heaven to so the most beautiful souls the world has ever seen, who on earth were very ordinary — some even being considered ugly and, unbeknownst to them, that was their protection. But they grew in virtue and in stature, so their glory is great. The greater and purer the soul in Heaven the more beautiful it is. Just as Rick Joyner was overcome by the beauty of that soul, because of its purity before Heaven, so will many be overcome and surprised by the profound beauty of so many souls who were considered of no account on earth.”
As an aside, in Rick Joyner’s book “The Final Quest”, he goes to heaven and meets a soul who had no beautiful qualities on earth but in heaven was seen quite different. Here is the incept from the chapter, The Judgment Seat of Christ:
“ I then noticed someone I had known on earth. He had been a faithful believer, but I did not think he had done anything of significance. He was so physically unattractive on earth that it had made him shy. Here he had the same features but was somehow more handsome than any person I had known on earth. He stepped up to me with an assurance and dignity that I had never seen in him, or anyone, before.”
“I was made a man, very ordinary looking, nothing of the world’s standards of beauty to draw anyone, but those who knew Me as the Messiah beheld My glory and, to them, I was their greatest treasure. Beauty on earth is rather idolized, lusted after, and sensualized. In Heaven, it is to bring glory to the Lord and to proclaim the virtue of the vessel.
“Your insecurity, because of past pain and past criticism, has twisted your confidence in whom I have called you to be, and the temptations you have given into these past few days stem from that. The need to be validated and pursued by the eyes of man having that build your confidence rather than My love being enough. Don’t fear sharing and being honest.”
Well, what I didn’t mention was that there was one particular guy I met [who] stood out from all the rest. The others I met felt like an African brother just looking out for his sister. [As] Africans, we do that, sticking together. So there were two guys in the airport. One who was Muslim took me out to get something to eat. We talked and I shared the Love of Christ with him. He shared about his family, daughter, and wife who is a Christian. I told him that means we both are praying for him so indeed Jesus would reveal himself. We exchanged contacts to keep in touch if I ever came to South Africa. The other was a security guard who helped me find a safe place to sleep, watched over my stuff, and introduced me to a friend of his who helped me charge my phone. He watched over me the whole night which was really kind of him. We exchange contacts on Facebook. The last guy, however, I knew I felt something [for], physically. He was very handsome, tall, good-looking, and charming. He helped me carry my huge heavy carry-on. I had met another young man in New Jersey, from Brazil, who was so kind to help me carry my carry-on and stayed with me to help me get my luggage. I kept thanking the Lord for sending helpers, but by the time I got to South Africa my hands were forming welts, my fingers swollen, and my shoulders so sore—I had nothing. I was struggling just to get to my gate. When I finally got there I just fell into the seats just to find out, an hour later, my gate was changed to the very front. I couldn’t fathom walking that far in just a short amount of time to make this flight. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Then this guy showed up.
Flying on the same plane, he asked if he could help me. I told him he was an answer to prayer as we laughed and talked the whole way boarding. I found out he was Muslim as well. Usually, I would stop right there and say something about Jesus, but I was mesmerized by his smile—I said nothing. As we continued our conversation. I told myself, “Stop now, while you are ahead,” because I could feel something in my heart, and I could tell he felt something too. He then asked about my ring, which everyone asked about, which was actually a lifesaver as I told all I was married to Jesus, but I had someone in Ghana who[m] I would soon marry so I told them all about Derrick—even showed one a picture I think trying to justify myself (I’m a hot mess). As he told me he had a girlfriend, but they had problems, and began to tell me about them. As I tried to encourage him to pray, asking the Lord to reveal if this girl was His will and also to not be so hard on her, that she was wounded and she sounded so much like myself.
Once we got on the plane he asked where I was sitting. Secretly I hoped we would sit next to each other, but we didn’t. I found the plane empty having seats next to one another empty. I hoped in my heart he would come and sit next to me. I know am not right at all, guys. Can you believe I even asked the Lord if it was his will, to make it happen. Of course, He didn’t, and I fell asleep the whole time. Once the plane landed he was there waiting for me to help me carry my carry-on as I took his backpack the whole time. When we made it out he waited with me and helped me call Pastor Chama to make sure I was safe and then asked if we could exchange contacts. The Mother Elisha, in her right mind, would’ve said no because he had a girlfriend, and I knew we had connected but I reasoned with myself, “I can tell him about Jesus..” as I mentioned we would be praying that he would come to know the Lord and praying for his relationship as he found all that amusing, and he left.
But now, on the long drive to my lodging, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I was coveting something that wasn’t mine and I had thoughts of telling Derrick [of] my travel adventures and the secret thoughts of thinking maybe this would make him jealous and he would see what he is missing out on and finally come around. But, as I mentioned, he didn’t seem concerned with my travels at all. So that is what happened guys, Oh Lord, I am so embarrassed at my attitude and the hidden motives of my heart.
“It is, beloved, but it is the truth, and you have no idea how common this is in relationships and marriages—even godly ones. Never seek or desire to make one another jealous to get one another’s attention. How wrong that is—but how that is the common motive for so many, even many times in ministry. A pastor gets busy with ministry, with the work of his church, and begins neglecting his wife. She longs for his attention and affection, but he is consumed with other things. Or, on the other foot, a pastor who desires encouragement and support from his wife who is not at all interested or involved in his work. Then comes along a woman who is always supporting the pastor, available to do anything he desires to help with the ministry, and he compares in his mind, wishing his wife was that way. That is the first error. Although seeming innocent that seed begins to crack at the foundation. Comparison is a deadly thing in any marriage. Or a young man in the church who sees the wife of the pastor always neglected and comes to her aid, to encourage her, making her feel wanted and valued in his ministry. She begins thinking and liking the attention. That is how it begins.
“Although you are not married yet, these are temptations that have hit you both several times and will continue to in the future. I am training your heart now, Beloved, to be mine and Derrick’s alone despite how he acts or what he doesn’t do—that you both would only be jealous for My affection, and My affection alone. As I raise you to the forefront there will be many temptations of weak men who will be moved by your beauty, and I need you to recognize it. Shut any thought down of this desirous attention and turn their attention to Me. I will do the same for Derrick when temptations come his way if you are faithful in this. I am always harder on you because to whom much is given, much is required. You have been given much more graces and virtue in this area, so I expect better from you, My beloved, is that understood?”
“And no longer give your contacts out anymore unless it’s for the channel or email for them to get ministry or counsel. You were also rightly inspired to suggest to Pastor Chama that it would be good to get a ring for him and his wife. I am calling him higher as well, above the culture of what is done. A ring is very important in a marriage. It is a sign and symbol to all that one is taken, serious and faithful. It causes one to watch their actions, and their speech because they are no longer single, and it brings conviction to those around them when they act out of character. I give my brides a ring, because it is an eternal symbol of our union that will never end, and that is the same in marriage.”
As an aside, guys, it’s very common in Africa to have a traditional marriage where you go to the girl’s parents, ask for her hand, pay a dowery, and you’re married. Many African men don’t wear wedding rings and I noticed that when I met him and Pastor Brian who is married. I shrugged the thought from my mind to ask him about it, but I did feel the Lord was calling him higher. And if he is going to use Pastor Chama to establish something here in Zambia touching many lives as he is doing ministry, it will help set boundaries and also be an example to all the other African men as well.
“My beloved brides I know I am putting this little one on display concerning her weakness and the issues of her heart yet again. But she is not the only one struggling with this, especially for those called to wear the earthly wedding garment given to St. Francis and now passed on to you.”
Here He is talking about the habit.
“There will be many temptations for you to despise this garment that is your protection — and even greater temptation to desire the garments of the world again because they are more beautiful, appealing, and alluring as the enemy causes you to reminisce about your past when you were in the world. Don’t fall for it, for I have clothed you with My virtues giving you this habit, hiding you from the eyes of men and women so that you are altogether Mine.
“At the right time I will bring someone to you, my chosen vessel for your marriage who will not be drawn to your exterior beauty, but your inner beauty; who will thank Me for having you covered just for them. You will be their pearl hidden before the eyes of the world — but only unveiled before them. Those who are in the world and married, do not feed into the narrative of being this eye candy of a husband or a wife wanting to look good for others to make your spouse look good. You are causing many to lust and covet what their neighbor has, this is very abhorrent to me and is the cause of the seed of infidelity in many marriages.
“Did I not say, that ‘….whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matt 5:28)’ ? This goes for men and women. If you are in a marriage where no words of love, affirmation, and validation are given, don’t seek attention elsewhere. I know how difficult it is for you because you were created to be loved and that expectation falls short in many marriages, unfortunately — so look to Me. Just as I called this little one tonight to stay with Me, I am lonely and longing for your affection and attention, and many times you are in need of mine. Let Me build you up, let Me love you like no man can, and let Me heal the wounds of insecurity as my love and attention become enough for you.”
That was the end of Jesus’ message.
So, family, the Lord put my sins on display again and I told Derrick. Although I was so nervous at his reaction he was so gracious and already knew that I was displeased and discouraged by his lack of interest even before I said anything because he was really busy with a situation and noticed he wasn’t being as available to me as he wanted. So I presumed and fed into suspicion and apologized for it. And from that point on he was so interested in every picture, in every video I sent him, and even the daily things that happened on my trip. The Lord is so good to turn things around when we’re honest. This is a long message, but I hope it resonates with some of you and we both can be healed from our insecurity and find our validation in Jesus alone.
God bless you, family, until the next message.