Hi everyone, my name is Nomsa and I’d like to share a time with you when the Lord showed himself as my defender. And really, at the time I saw Him as the defender of my heart.
About five years ago I went through something I can only describe as spiritual warfare. At the time it was happening I didn’t realize that’s what it was. I was living out of state trying to complete my degree while staying at a friend’s place. Initially, it started with a few nightmares here and there. I just kind of brushed it aside and took it as normal—the usual nightmares we would get from time to time.
They did disturb me, but I would just brush them off and go on living my life because, you know, I had things going on — I was busy — meeting different people so it was just one of those things that didn’t really interrupt my life. So, as a little backstory to that, at the time I was a Christian and I identified as a Christian but in hindsight, I can say I was very lukewarm. I still watched all my favorite shows, I socialized, partied, drank a little — a little wine, you know, but I would still call myself a Christian. Funnily enough, I would even judge those who partied or drank a little more heavily than I did. You know, I saw it as—it was very a pharisaic attitude that I had and for some reason, I saw my level of drinking and partying and all that stuff as just the right amount to not be considered sin, right? Funny. But even through that time, the nightmare attacks would progressively become worse when I would be asleep — I would just fall asleep like any other night and then feel like something, or someone would physically grab me, and it would just jerk me out of my sleep. At times I would feel—I would get violated in my sleep and I would wake up feeling really disgusted and just really — it just really started to really get to me. And then it became so bad I couldn’t even take a nap without something attacking me in my sleep—at this time I was literally getting attacked. It wasn’t one of those nightmares where you’re just running around, you’re running away from someone, or you feel yourself falling — no these were like concerted physical attacks against what felt like my body at the time. I actually say that it was my body because at certain instances I would wake up and I would just feel pain — at one point I had a dream — I felt it was a dream — um something struck me on the side of my neck and I woke up and I felt that same side of my neck was very sore, I could barely turn it…It started to really manifest in the physical sense. At that point it was attacking my — you know, my sleep is being very disturbed, I can’t — I couldn’t take a nap, I would even at times avoid sleeping in the room by myself or just sleeping in my room altogether and just go to sleep in common spaces, in areas where people would be around just so I could just have a few moments of rest. At that time I know most people would — I think at this point it was described as sleep paralysis where you can’t move, you can’t do anything. But the Lord revealed to me later on that that was really was a spiritual attack against me brought by multiple entities — a spiritual spouse and just attacks like witchcraft attacks from various people.
So, I went to church — I would go to church — from different churches to different churches. I would go to different conventions or events hoping that someone could give me a word for what was happening to me because at this point I was so desperate. I just — it wasn’t something I could really get help from my friends because they didn’t really know what to do. My family had an idea of what was happening, but they weren’t really there to physically see what was happening. So at this point, I’m just calling — I’m going to churches, I’m calling into prayer lines — like the midnight prayer lines and just praying and hoping that something could stop this from continuing, or someone could tell me what I could do to stop this. And I didn’t really get any — well, nothing really helped. I would try going on multiple dry fasts for extended periods of time. At times I would get relief where it would stop maybe for like a week or two but then the attacks would come back. It was just so, so bad that I started to lose weight, I was losing my hair. I was just very drained. I couldn’t sleep much, just the thought of going to sleep would just kind of fill me with dread. I couldn’t really eat, I didn’t really enjoy myself anymore— the things that I used to do enjoy doing, all of that just died for me, I just was not interested.
At this point, I’m exhausted from a lack of sleep, I couldn’t even do my work effectively because of the lack of sleep and stress, At this point I was feeling very hopeless. I just came to the conclusion that this was what my life was going to be and, even in that moment I would hear these voices urging me to kill myself. So you know, in hindsight, this definitely the enemy’s assignment was for me to take my own life. And these voices at the time, that would just constantly berate me into even wondering why am I even still here — why am I wasting people’s time — why am I wasting space here with my pointless problems? These thoughts would constantly plague me daily and it was just so to the point that it was just — it was so overwhelming. But now looking back at it I never went through with that because the Holy Spirit would prevent me from even considering what it would be like to go to do what I did—to not do what I did, but to commit that act. Umm, these thoughts would be projected in my head of all the possible ways I could take my own life. And, at the time I wasn’t equipped enough to stop those thoughts from entering. I was just so exhausted and so dejected and down. I still prayed — I would constantly pray but I never really felt like I was getting — anything from the Lord… I didn’t feel like he was, um…. I never felt completely. entirely hopeless if that’s the word I could use —I just felt that this was my burden to bear. I just thought that these nightmares and these attacks were just going to be this — this was just what I was going to live with for the rest of my life until the Lord took me home. The thought of taking my own life just never — it just would not settle in my heart, and I know that was the Lord — the Lord’s faithfulness to me.
So at this moment, I had gotten to my lowest point. And I remember it — I remember I was doing a fast — at this point, I had moved back home with my family, and they saw how I had gotten really bad, but I just couldn’t communicate with them anymore [about] what was happening. It got so bad — I was doing my fast and I just went into my closet. That’s where I usually go to pray and just kind of have alone time — quiet time with the Lord. I went into my prayer closet, and I was really tired from lack of sleep because I didn’t really get much sleep again. This was around 5 p.m. or so — I just sat in my closet and just worshiped the Lord and I just prayed to Him. I felt like I saw Him in a vision, and He asked me, “What do you want from Me?” I remember telling Him, “I just don’t want you to leave me”. (Wow, excuse me guys — I’m emotional) — Um, yeah, so I just told Him, I don’t want you to leave me. That night um, I guess the Lord just kind of like, moved my mom into action because she actually came and we prayed together, and she, you know, she got to the bottom of what was going on. After we did all the prayers and all the things that the Lord instructed her to do, that was the first night I was able to sleep completely and peacefully without any attacks, any interruptions. That was my first night of complete rest. After that I was sent to a minister who was able to pray for me and just get rid of all the evil spirits that were responsible for the thoughts in my head of committing suicide and things like that. But even months after that because I finally got relief, I finally got rest and I was just so happy and excited and the Lord gave me the song by Rita Springer, Defender of My Heart. That song just completely exemplifies everything I went through because even when I was just completely low and I just didn’t see any out, I didn’t see any exit. I knew I wouldn’t take my life because I already gave it to the Lord and if He wanted me to stay in that place, I would have done it. But He still came and just pulled me out of that place. Because, honestly, no one would have been able to do it. It was just—it was an experience that I would never wish on my worst enemy, to be in such a dark, dark hole and it was only Jesus who could pull me out of it. And that’s why I always say — well, at the time I would call Him the Lord my strength because I had no more strength and even in that moment He defended my heart because it was just so — it was so empty and so lifeless.
—Nomsa
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