Hello, Brothers, Sisters, and Heartdwellers family.
I have been a hot mess—again. I finally got my passport visa for Zambia and all of the songs the Lord has been playing have been about his Spirit moving and the power of God manifesting—just speaking over me about what
He is going to do. But I couldn’t get into it because I had been brooding for the past day now.
I came to the Taos house last week in hopes of getting my passport but that clearly didn’t happen—after I realized there were small details that I didn’t check which caused a delay in everything. But the Lord made it clear—he was in my mistakes and used everything to cause my delay—because it was His will. I was frustrated and humiliated. — Die to self?
The soul who is our extern here in the Taos house has been more than helpful in running errands with me—for all of this. However, there were a few comments made about my faults. I shrugged off the first comment, but it kept coming during various times. By the time I left to go back to the mountain, I was not only brooding because of the delay in my passport but the devils were playing over and over the things that were said. I went to confession and felt light as a feather afterward now wanting to put these things behind me.
So I had to now come down again to finally get my passport this week. When I came down a situation occurred where I felt convicted and went to tell this soul and they were encouraging but pointed out my fault. You know when you go and apologize to someone or tell them your struggle and they say, “I forgive you, but I already knew…” (etc., etc.) Dang—it’s like your balloon is popped.
Then that evening another situation occurred where I was told not to do something because I knew they didn’t feel I did up to their standard.
Oh boy—I just walked away as the devils just pounded me again. I tried to pray it away—brush it off my mind—then they got dirty and dredged up all the memories from the past when I was treated like this by others. I began to fear the future, not only with this soul but how I would handle another instance. Why couldn’t I just brush it off—receive the humiliations? —because there was truth to these faults of mine that were so apparent. But I didn’t want to hear someone else always call them out.
Lord help me, my pride. So in worship this morning I woke up telling myself it was a new day—but got hit again and my heart was feeling hardened. Holy Spirit then played a song called, “Soak my Heart”, by Julie True, and the lyrics touched on everything that was going on with me. I put it on repeat and then I began to hear the Lord have an interior dialogue with me concerning my struggle. So I thought I’d better stop and begin writing.
I came before Jesus saying;
Jesus, I ask you to please forgive me for holding on to offense, unforgiveness, and bitterness. I have been brooding since yesterday and this is not healthy.
Please forgive me for giving in to the accusations and suggestions of the enemy against this soul and allowing him to dredge up all the memories and offenses from the past, and even fearing the future.
My heart is not right. I don’t want to go anywhere or travel to minister to anyone feeling this way. Lord, please deliver me from evil, and most of all, deliver me from myself. Would you please forgive me?
Jesus began,
“I have forgiven you, Beloved, but you must make reparation for the damage your thoughts have caused towards another. Remember critical thoughts are as though a knife is stabbed in the back of the other whom you are thinking negatively about. So she too has been wounded by your injurious thoughts.
“My beloved little one, this will not be the last time with her or any other souls. The devils are very deliberate to set up this assignment right when you are about to leave in the greatest mission that I have prepared for you. They want you to be caged—becoming that thorny Christian you once were, full of bitterness and defense towards everyone.”
The Lord is so right. After my first year with the Lord, I was so hurt deeply by my first Christian friend. Didn’t realize how full of bitterness I was until the Lord revealed it and I realized, oh my goodness, I have become a thorny Christian, just prickly all around—and the Lord healed me from that.
Jesus continued,
“The same with this soul; I have brought you two together to remove the thorns of your past—the thorns of offenses and wounds incurred by those you love—and the thorns of deep roots of bitterness that stemmed from seeds with everything you both have undergone. She was right to say I made her, especially just for you and you, especially just for her. Do not allow the devils to cause a wedge of division between you two. You must be smarter little one and you are her Mother.
I will always bring you much, much, much, lower. For, a leader serves, and when a person is loved they will follow a leader anywhere. You will be stretched in your love continuously not just by her, but by others, especially by our children. That is what they do, they are the greatest joys and the beautiful fruit of our union, but many times, unbeknownst to them, their actions and words can pierce like a sword. Do not take offense to it. That is what children do and they are the closest to you and see all your faults and weaknesses. My little flower Therese delighted in her novices seeing her imperfection. Why do you despise yours? It all goes back to pride and respectability, Beloved.
I know that is a sore spot for you. I need you to love being looked down upon, made of no account, and even scorned not only by your peers but by your children from time to time. They are growing in maturity and more importantly growing in love. Take every blow as if from the Father’s hand. And when the blow gets too much, causing you to feel wounded and hurt, recognize the enemy’s fingerprints— continually trying to pit you against your little ones.
The issue is in your heart, allow Me to heal the pains of your past, allow Me to pour the Balm of Gilead again over the scars, and allow Me to crush that pride”
Lord please, do it gently—okay in whatever way you think best…
“Thank you, Beloved, allow Me to mold and chisel you and let go of all else. Criticisms are one of the most damaging tools of the enemy. Whether in thought, in word, or in deed. In your generation, you’re raised as it being normal, a way of life—even to expose faults, to call out faults, and make fun of the faults or imperfections of another. It is so acute, but yet so damaging as parents are so accustomed to criticizing their children without even knowing it by bringing up comparisons where their children lack. At your workplace you are constantly criticized in what you can do better, to improve—in your families—among believers— it is as though you are not allowed to have any weaknesses, and any imperfections shown are judged and criticized.
In this generation especially, among the youth, it is so common. You gather around and make fun of another, seeing who has the most undermining thing to say of another as everyone laughs. It’s become a business, even in this day, and this is abhorrent to me.
This is what you call a spirit of vitriol, cruel and bitter criticism which is now so rampant in your world as souls don’t realize what they are doing. It is throwing knives and daggers at one another. Seeds of criticism run deep literally causing a tear in the fabric of a soul’s personality that I created to shine for My glory. But with each word of criticism come demons of accusation, discouragement, and even self- hatred as they replay words and actions of offenses done to them—where the knives left those scars.
My beloved brides come to Me. All of you have been affected by words of criticism one way or the other. Come to Me to receive the real truth in who you are, My love for you, and healing to forgive and let go, once and for all, of the hurtful words spoken. Come to also embrace your misery and receive the grace to love and embrace your imperfections which draw you and other souls to My mercy.
Come to also remove the stain of guilt and unforgiveness from your heart, realizing that you too have thrown knives at different times hurting those around you with critical thoughts, actions motived by self-love, and judgments. My beloved, you just fell into this a few days ago and I corrected you.”
As the Lord was saying all of this I thought, he is so right. I first thought about how many times have I hurt even Mother and Father with my critical thoughts and words. And I had just had critical judgmental thoughts towards one of my brothers who wouldn’t receive Holy Communion on Palm Sunday. I was grieved in my heart because they have been very standoffish about the faith and teachings of the community. I thought, let me ask him—so I asked why he used to receive and no longer wants to. He simply said he wanted to have more understanding first and [for] the Lord to teach him before he does something.
Rather than seeing that as wisdom, I criticized him in my heart thinking he was rather regressing from the grace he once walked in. Then I got a Rhema from St, Faustina and was humbled as it read;
Today the Lord told me, My daughter, write that it pains Me very much when religious souls receive the Sacrament of Love merely out of habit as if they don’t distinguish this food. I find neither faith nor love in their hearts. I go to such souls with great reluctance. It would be better if they didn’t not receive Me.
I thought, wow, here I was criticizing my brother and the Lord is admonishing the community that there were some of us who received Holy Communion just as a habit but not with Faith and love. And who am I to criticize my brother who wants to understand this faith and love of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and receive Him properly like some of us are not doing. I realized we criticize when a person doesn’t meet our standard or falls below what we think is preferred. I was humbled and [it] had me examining myself and my heart to ensure that I receive Jesus with faith not out of a habit.
Jesus continued,
“So the same grace and mercy I showed you, I want you to now give humbly and let go—no longer contending with these demons about this beautiful soul I have placed in your life to be a blessing.
“Allow Me to soak your hearts, My brides. You all are so close to receiving the outpouring of My spirit that is about to come. Every single one of you, be on guard, be every so diligent to keep your heart clean—forgiving all, loving all, and always seeing the best in one another and speaking the best as well. Each one of you has faults as far as My eyes can see, and they see far more than you. But I don’t bring them up lest you become utterly despondent by who you truly are and give up. No, I love you to perfection with each word of encouragement, and affirmation, and acceptance even when you fall. So go and do likewise.”
That was the end of Jesus’ message.
I was so nervous to share, with this soul, my offense and message. But the Lord asked me to make reparation. So I asked them to forgive me for my offense. And just as the Lord said, they could feel an acute distance between us and began to ask themselves if they had done anything wrong. I felt terrible. We then began to talk about our past pain and wounds as I began to understand deeper, this soul. And she began to really understand me as well. We hugged and forgave one another and asked the Lord to heal those we had hurt in the past and heal those who had hurt us, as we realized, hurt people, hurt people.
Then one of my brothers came and we had a long conversation as he opened up about his past. And I was amazed at God’s goodness as I could feel healing taking place, even in both of us. After speaking to him I felt I wanted to get a Rhema to see what was on the Lord’s mind and got,
When a person is loved, they will follow a leader anywhere.
I chuckled as the Lord confirmed [that] this whole day was about understanding one another, being compassionate towards one another—which lets go of any criticism we have. When we love it’s hard to criticize. Lord, help us.
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