Family, my anxiety was never as high, ever. 2019 was when I hit rock bottom in my emotional and mental stability. The pain of constant fear of being left alone by God was holding me down inside. It was so bad that I had to ask God not to let me remember that year. I had fallen so many times that year. I went through breaking after breaking until I had nothing left to go on with. I see that my pride was as high as the rooftop and that opened [me] to many corrections so that I could see myself in God’s mirror. I was judgmental of my family when I had done the same things that they are falling into. My tone of voice would sometimes be harsh when something was sinful, or I thought it was wrong. Complaining was also something that I did. I had pride in my work and projects when God should have [had] all the glory. Failure after failure of what a true Christian should be, I became. Looking back, my love was cold, and I took everything offensive with whatever correction came my way which resulted in having a cold shoulder.
That year, I was so shallow in my walk with God. I would do formal prayers and carry on with the day ahead. No time for a deep connection in prayer for Jesus. I was quite distant because of fear. Fear of not being loved. Fear of suffering rebukes. Fear of being misunderstood and so on. Little did I know, it was fear all along that kept me from receiving forgiveness. It was fear all along that made me run away. It was fear all along that prevented me from starting over. Fear, Fear, Fear. It was my worst enemy that prolonged my time to be healed from past wounds.
So, there came a time when I got tired of running from the truth. I wanted answers and I wanted them as soon as possible. So, I wrote an emotional, heartbreaking, and truthful message to Heartdwellers email to receive answers and consolation from all the confusion I was feeling. Because I thought I did everything to please Jesus. Wasn’t everything enough? So, after pouring out my heart to the last drop, I finally clicked the send button. In anxious anticipation, to my astonishment, it took a few months to receive something back. However, I waited patiently. Now, the reply has finally come. The one monitoring the email consoled me with her tender care and directed me to someone who would tell me the lord’s heart concerning me. I ask for them to seek the Lord’s words to me. He gave me a wonderful message that literally melted my anger and confusion over His love for me. To keep some things personal, I will share some of what the Lord spoke to me.
“Trust not in the illusion of your own strength, for you truly have none. Without Me, you will sink as a stone under the waves of the enemy. Stay fixed on Me, trust in My love, My mercy, My power, more than in your own sins, faults, and failings. I know your sins from of old, so bring them to Me, expecting My forgiveness, and then take My hand. I am constantly repairing the holes, breaches, and broken places in you. Do not grow despondent when you see your brokenness. Be contrite, and sorry for your sins, but do not be consumed by them, this can easily become an idol in and of itself when it takes your eyes off of Me. That is an assignment of scrupulosity. This kills the anointing that I have placed upon you.”
Wow! That set things straight. From then, the chains snapped off of me and I was able to breathe anew. Having the knowledge of His love for me again made a significant turn [from] the way I was. Thank you Jesus for helping me change. It’s the knowledge of His love that changes us to become who He wants us to be. I really hope that if any of you are feeling what I felt before, that you really drink in this word so that you can run to Jesus and not from Him.
Going forward, I really wanted to amend my grievous ways. As a result, the steps were taken to fulfill my resolution. Going into the new year, 2020, we all know that was when coronavirus hit. That gave me some time to really focus on His will with the little things. Being faithful with the little things we do day after day. Whatever household duties need to be done, helping people whenever can, by God’s grace and prayer. In 2020, to be honest I can’t recall much on what really happened because we were on lockdown for most of the year. But to praise God that year because we had our health during a serious time in history.
Here comes 2021! Fasten your seatbelts guys, this will take the cake. But to God be all the glory in what you are about to hear. So at this time of new beginnings, I’d say that everything was fine until almost the middle of the year. I was complaining to God again, being disrespectful, and doing things I shouldn’t. I [was] a mess. And so, I had my conflicts with those around me and with God. I cried in anger for how things were instead of thanking Him that He was doing all things for our good. Yet, at that moment it may not be seen presently. I apologize, God, please help me. Pray for me, you guys. At night, I would lust and have strange imaginations that invite evil things into life; weird feelings where they shouldn’t be. It took an awakening to finally see the truth and to not entertain these evil spirits.
Furthermore, something strange took place in my body that I would have these involuntary twitches or spasms from my legs. They would move without my consent. I believed the lie that it was God speaking to me through these twitches. Yes, I was silly to think that. You’re seeing the raw view. Voices would accompany this sort of experience as well. I thought they were good because, after all, I thought it was from God. Until colors started to become clear that they weren’t good. My health was taken. Keep in mind that this began in May down to June, almost about a month of this. So I had such degrading thoughts. Thoughts that would tell me to get mad at my mom or to steal something or that Jesus would give up on me. Then, the bell began to ring in my head that this was demonic interference. They were in my body and caused these twitches. So, I began to do self-deliverance prayers to remove them. Time after time they would not go away. I kept pressing in with the binding prayer and my own prayer, but nothing happened. One night I prayed, and I had an episode of feeling it moving in my body because I touched that area and prayed that they would come out. It lifted me and I knew they wanted to come out too. I pleaded the blood of Jesus and holy fire, but nothing happened. I would try to vomit or burp or something just to remove them. Still, I kept declaring God’s word and sovereignty. At some point, I just bore the suffering while not saying anything to the evil voices. I was in so much despair and questioned why God allowed this to happen to me. On top of that my mom was worried and wanted me to check up [with] the doctor to see what was going on. But in my pride, I resisted her so many times, saying that I need prayer and that they cannot help with this type of problem. I went to the nuns that aren’t far from where I live to have them pray over me, but they couldn’t get rid of them. When they told me to say the name Jesus I would say it, but I would shout it out involuntarily along with intense jerking in my legs. It was like I was possessed. After they tried to pray them out, nothing happened, again. So finally I submitted to my mother to go to the doctor to get checked up. The voices never stopped taunting me after all these experiences. So they checked me and figured out that it was a bladder infection and that I needed antibiotics and B12 vitamins injected into both booty cheeks. AH OH, needles! They laid me down on this bed and I remember being at my lowest because things hadn’t worked after a month of suffering from this. I was shaking like crazy. It was fear that caused me to tremble uncontrollably. I’d had it with that fear. In my lowest time ever, I whispered, “Jesus, removed this spirit of fear.” The first time it didn’t work, so I proceeded again, with faith, “Jesus, remove this spirit of fear”. Again, nothing happened. With one little strain of hope, again I repeated in my whisper, “Jesus, remove this spirit of fear”. Suddenly everything stopped shaking, my legs and my body, alike. And peace came over me, that Jesus heard my faint whisper to help me at my lowest and humiliating point. After all the trying, it all finally ended. Just a few words compared to long prayers caught the heart of Jesus; He knew that they came from my heart. I’m so grateful. To God be all the glory, always and forever. When you feel that you’re at your end, hold on and don’t give up. Let this be something to look back on to give you the courage to keep trusting and don’t give up on God. He is faithful, always, and forever.
Winding down to where I am now. From Heartdwellers Facebook page, live prayers there got to introduce me to Mother Elisha; which then led me to search for more to get to her YouTube page with you guys. A few months into listening to her videos, I discovered that she was planning to help the poor in Ghana. To some of you, this might not be new, but it was to me! That sparked an interest in me to contribute to the Lord’s work. Anything for Jesus, basically. It’s a desire that I had when it comes to serving the Lord through them. I grabbed my Bible Promise Book to ask God if it was His will that I join her. Lo and behold, I got some confirming Rhemas that it really was His will. So I emailed Mother Elisha to tell her what I felt the Lord confirmed to me. She, later on, confirmed it herself that it was true! I was flabbergasted at the hand of God in the details. I can’t wait to explore the new adventure that lies in the work of the City of God community. God help us! I know that there will be David and Goliath moments! Nevertheless, what comes our way will be all worth it for the glory of God through our
Lord Jesus Christ.
In closing, I wish you all a blessed day. May every word here be a source of encouragement for all of you and may God get all the glory. Amen