Journal Entry
by Sister Therese from September 8, 2021
Hello, lovely Heartdwellers, it is me again, Therese.
May the Joy and Peace of the Lord be upon you and your family.
This message was written back in September. In those days, some things hit me—silly things, but they felt as blows, really…. Just see the little, hilarious, and frustrating splinters one might go through. Just take the lesson of it in your chambers—in your wisdom chambers.
Okay, so here we go. I wrote:
Today I found myself waking up in a state of bitterness over me not taking a bath for over 2 to 3 weeks—that is, since I arrived at the mountain. In fact, since I left Moldova (3 weeks ago). I wanted to wash today in the morning, but it turned out not so because of my lack of knowledge of where things are—like the soap or so forth. Feeling it won’t happen, but sensing as if forced to do it, I went to sleep and woke up almost at 10AM. Since I went to sleep almost at 2AM, waking up at this hour (which is defined it as “late” for me) made me bitter and discontent because my prayer time would be shorter than desired, and maybe even impacting my whole day ahead—which is usually what happens to me when I wake up “late”.
Feeling bitter also for my shyness of asking for a tweezer, or for any other needs that I have….; feeling bitter over a “foolish” question my mom asked yesterday (the question honestly irritated me). Plus, feeling bitter over my confusion if to message my family during the days of the week or not. It left me frustrated and irritated.
So that day I felt down and robbed of joy from the moment I woke up consciously. However, after saying the Binding Prayer with blessed Mother’s help, in the middle of it I sensed this firm boldness mixed with a sickening-sensation of the tactics of the enemy and all he keeps on coming against me with. I prayed with conviction over his “stuff” to be destroyed. (Holy Spirit overtook me in there, definitely). After that, I felt better. The air was not the same—but some stuff lingered around in me that I had to brush off continually.
Hitting shuffle, the Lord’s first random song was “Whatever the enemy meant for evil, God changes it too good.” … Which made sense. Battling emotions, I went for some Rhemas from my own Rhemas Box.
The first one said: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” – James 1:2-4 TPT
And as I went on reading the whole message, it made me equate this word to my little trial of “no bath” for 3 weeks by now…. [laugh].
The second Rhema said: “When you take away that tremendous pressure about worrying about your failures or making a mistake, you actually make a huge step into depleting the enemy’s power. You clip his wings because the enemy loves to condemn you. You know he goes around like a roaring lion seeking to devour you. He’s into guilt, shame, and blame. The enemy wants you to worry and he wants you to fear. But God is with you. You can be free to fail. You can be free from the fear of it.”
This Rhema I might apply to my constant worry of failing about this of family-chatting during the days, even if I were to reply for short time—like for a second! (You can spot the scruples I often feel).
The third Rhema was a card from Blessed Mother, which said: “Avoid the temptation, turn away the temptation to complain or find fault.”
And that’s what hit me since the morning, really, complaining and finding fault. She’s right. So, all this is a trial and a test to grow into. “I see. With your help Lord, Mother, my guardian angel, may I remain thankful in the process.”
While in worship, observing Mother Magdalen walking up and feeding the horses brought me some soft inner joy. Her kind action toward them made the air clearer and warmer, with gentle joy and gladness. I guess the Lord uses all things—whatever they [may] be, to turn His atmosphere in!
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At the last song in worship, I went for a reading from the book My Imitation of Christ and it was giving me the chapter of “Having Confidence in God When Harsh Words Assail Us.” This word is applicable to the words my mom said in her question. Oh, He’s good! And on point.
CHRIST says: “Son, stand firm and trust Me; for what are words but words: they fly through the air, but hurt not a stone. (…) It is a small matter that you should sometimes bear with words, (…) and why do such small things go to your heart, but because you are yet carnal, and regard men more than you ought!”
And as a side word in there that also stood out, said: “For because you are afraid of being despised, you are not willing to be reprehended for your faults, and seek to shelter yourself in excuses. But look better into yourself and you shall find that the world is still living in you, and a vain desire of pleasing men.” That’s also true.
Okay, so the Lord continued…
“But give ear to My word, and you shall not value ten thousand words of men. Behold, if all should be said against you which the malice of men can invent, what hurt could it do to you if you would let it pass, and make no account of it? ‘Could it even so much as pluck one hair from you?’ (Lk 21:18) But he who has not his heart within, not God before his eyes, is easily moved with a word of censure. Whereas he that trust Me… will be free from the fear of men. I know both him that offers the injury, and him that suffers it. From Me this word went forth: by My permission it happened, ‘that out of many hearts thoughts may be revealed.’ (Lk 2:35).”
An as another side word in there that stood out: “I shall judge the guilty and the innocent, but by a secret judgment I would beforehand try them both”.
Then Jesus continued….
“To Me, therefore, must you run in every judgment and not depend upon your own will. ‘For the just will not be troubled whatever happens to him from God.’ (Prov. 12:21). And if anything be wrongfully pronounced against him, he will not much care. Neither will he vainly rejoice if by others he be reasonably excused.” — pages 313 to 315.
Truly, though a little silly question it might have been, it cut me. So this word here is very timely and needed. I’m even honestly surprised He nailed all the topics neatly. Thank you, Lord!
So, in my folly of complaints, frustrations and bitterness over basic needs or words, the Lord brings wisdom and a lesson out of even these events. Eventually, the next day I got what I needed [laugh]. I guess anything can hit you, we all have our days! For one, we’ve got to break out of the shell and ask for what we need. And secondly, to be patient with circumstances and people [who hit our nerves] when we are already tense, to begin with.
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