Hello, brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family. May you all receive the desire to grow in holiness.
As you all know I’ve had a hard breaking by the hands of the Lord and have fallen because of it and continue to fall. [Sigh]
After really seeing my misery and even going to confession the Lord gave me a card that said;
“Redemption from Sin”: Isaiah 53:5-6
“But he was hurt for our wrongdoing. He was crushed for our sins. He was punished so we would have peace. He was beaten so we would be healed. All of us like sheep have gone the wrong way. Each of us has turned to his own way. And the Lord has put on him the sins of us all.”
And another one that said; “And Mother’s mission remained the same: To call people to Holiness.”
I thought to myself, but Lord I have confessed these many failures—as I felt Holy Spirit was then wanting me to share my most recent failures with you and how I have fallen even further to inspire you to Holiness. I went to the Lord about these thoughts and sure enough, he confirmed that was his will. So I am going to go back and share with you what happened that led me to get these Rhemas.
With that said, what better way to call others to holiness by exposing my hidden sins in this fire the Lord has put me in that has exposed all my misery and brought it to the surface to be consumed in his merciful love—that others may see their own misery within myself, and trust in his mercy to make you Holy as he is Holy.
After falling with my attachment to dates and time frames with the Lord’s promises I finally got the courage to get up and to continue forward on as daily, my faith and trust was being restored back in the Lord. Upon receiving that encouraging message about abandonment I thought Jesus and I had put the issue behind us.
However, just one or two days later I got this Rhema;
“How weak is your heart, says the Lord God, seeing you do all these things, the works of an imperious harlot.“ Ezekiel 16:30
“You would do well to examine your conscience. Have you been unfaithful to the Lord entreating the lovers of money, the world, or own appetites?”
I have never gotten this Rhema before, out of my Rhema box, and it stopped me in my tracks. I first thought, oh my goodness Lord have I been? As I searched in my own self-righteousness and not my conscience, I thought maybe this Rhema is not for me. Don’t we all do that? When we receive a correction, like our sinful nature, we want to blame someone else rather than taking full responsibility. So after sitting in my self-righteousness and assured the Lord possibly couldn’t be talking about me, I went to Bible Promises and sure enough discerned He was talking about me.
I thought, really Lord? Oh my what have I done? I thought we were on good terms now, but I see I am still in the doghouse, or so I felt. This Rhema really got my attention and I had to sit with the Lord to see the error of my ways and as usual, God is always right. When he shows us ourselves in the light of his mirror. The truth is I had made an idol out of this promise of marriage, I had made an idol out of Derrick, I had made an idol most importantly of the City of God Community and the Ghana mission.
You see when the Lord stripped me of all of this and left me hanging as to when these things could ever come to pass, as I shared with you, I became so discouraged, so resentful, so depressed. I felt like my balloon was popped—my heart was sick because my hope was in all of these promises and things and not Jesus. I was unmotivated, uninspired, and no longer fervently working for Jesus with my whole heart because I realized those “things” are what had kept me going all of these months. The excitement of something new, a promise fulfilled, and this mission. Yes, I had to again lay my precious dreams down and give them to the Lord. But when I found myself face to face with only Jesus, I realized I was discontent with just him and full of self-righteousness.
As I rebutted, still trying to justify myself saying, Lord look at all the things I have done for you, the sufferings I had endured, the late nights of working and helping souls, how had I been an unfaithful bride? As if Jesus owed me a thank you, which I honestly desired in my heart. I know I am a hot mess. I realized at that moment I sounded like the testimonies I have heard of pastors dying and standing before the judgment seat of God justifying their love for the Lord by their works saying, “Lord look at all the churches I planted, the thousands of souls that were saved, the buildings I built for you all in your name. And Jesus says, “Depart from me for although you called me Lord, Lord, your heart was far from me.”
As if Jesus owed me a thank you, which I desired in my heart. I know, I’m a hot mess.
But all of this imploded in my face that my heart had turned far from him for a long while now and I didn’t even realize it because my love for him resulted in all the “work” I was doing for him but not simply in who Jesus was to me. Now that he had removed the veil and stripped me, I had to come to terms with my lukewarmness and the true motive of all my inspiration was the “work” the City of God mission itself and not Jesus. I was so humbled, ashamed, and broken-hearted all at the same time. I hate idolatry and I have fallen into that before and now I was here again. As I realized the Lord allowed this breaking with all my promises and my dreams to expose what was really on the throne of my heart, and it wasn’t him.
Then to really expose more of my hidden sins the Lord allowed another fall because I opened the door to judgment and gossip.
I received an email from a soul who was interested in applying for the City of God community. When they applied the Lord confirmed his will for them to be a part of our family with strong confirmations. However, something within their application was a red flag as they believed in a doctrine that wasn’t scriptural or biblical. I emailed them explaining my concern. However, they responded back that the Lord had revealed this truth to them personally that it was true. Immediately anxiety came over me about this soul and questioning if they would be fit for the community, and if they would be teachable and yielded. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head about this situation and this soul since I have already had many trials with other souls who didn’t preserver in this call. I was feeling weary and not really wanting to take this on at all. So I thought I would do a teaching on it about this doctrine to bring him and others clarity about this teaching.
Then I had a soul from the community on the mountain call me to update me on some things. They began to talk about how they fell in disobedience, anger, and self-will with another soul in the community. As they started explaining their situation, I was just a listening ear and wanted to encourage them and give them the right perspective of crucifying their flesh and allowing themselves to be humbled by the Lord. But in our conversation, they got really detailed about what happened and the offense. I felt a check in our conversation, but I didn’t stop it and allowed the person to vent instead, as they saw the error of their ways. We ended with prayer, praying for them and that soul, as I thought it ended well.
After these instances, I went into adoration before the Lord and began to listen to catch up on Mother Clare’s recent message. And when I heard about now the rival being after the rapture, that brought so much confusion and hopelessness because I thought differently and realized that was another promise I was hoping in and now had been shattered. Before I knew it the enemy consumed my mind again and I felt myself going into that dark tunnel of despair as I was trying to reason with myself and fight resentment all over again. It was so bad that I began to have a migraine and knew this was an attack, but it seemed I couldn’t get out of it. I pulled Rhemas, readings from my Holy books with no help or counsel.
Finally, a thought came to my mind to get a Rhema from Mother Clare’s Rhema book, and sure enough, I got “gossip”. I thought for a second, Lord, how did I gossip? I realized it was from the previous conversation I had with that soul. Although I didn’t say anything bad about the soul, they were offended by. I tuned my ear to hear theirs. And then the second reading I got was “Humility” as Jesus mentioned why he allowed a fall and the demons to pound us when we judge others. I then thought, Lord, how did I judge another? I felt prompted to get a third reading, and the title was, “Judging others” and where Mother Clare expressed that in her self-righteousness, she had religious bigotry and Jesus mentioned how that can be used to cause division and pride when we judge others and what they understand.
Oh if there was a pie around someone could’ve thrown it right at my face. I immediately began repenting and asking the Lord to forgive me and realizing how fast I had fallen from grace, yet again. In the Lord’s great mercy he permitted the demons to pound me like that to get my attention, that I had opened a door. So I went to the Lord concerning the soul and the doctrine that they believed, and the Lord confirmed it was disorderly and not scriptural however I should never have judged them for believing in that or to doubt the Lord’s confirmation in wanting him them a part of the mission. I was guilty all around, of idolatry, self-
righteousness, judging, gossip, and I am sure a lot more that Jesus hasn’t shown me yet.
I share this with you because Jesus is coming back very soon, and he is looking for a bride spotless without blemish or wrinkle. That means without willful sins and stains of an inconstant heart on their wedding garments. Will you be found worthy? In Hebrews 12:14 it says, “Without Holiness, no man shall see God”. The Lord is wanting a bride who is Holy or at least pursuing it. And that can only be done by His mercy when we embrace our misery, see ourselves for who we truly are, and confess and repent of our sins. Not hide them or worse, walk in self- righteousness and think you are good. Because not one of us is good, no not one.
Let me ask you, do you have any idols in your life? Please, don’t be so quick to respond. This is not a quick answer. Really take some time to examine your conscience and your heart. Is it your children, your spouse, your family, your ministry, your job, that man or that woman, food, a comfortable lifestyle, your looks, your desire for marriage, good health Your friends, Social media, money? Where do your hope and trust lie? Does your mood easily change when these variables I just mentioned change? Do you find supreme joy in these things? And really think, if the Lord took it all away—your marriage, your ministry, your job, your health, your preferred delicacies, your comfortable lifestyle, your money, your dreams—or, what if these things were never given to you—that prayer you have been praying for never gets answered in this lifetime, and you were just left with yourself and Jesus alone, would you be truly happy and content?
It’s better to be judged by the Lord than condemned with the world when you stand before him, and he really reveals the hidden motives of your heart. Do you have a tendency to gossip, talking about someone who is not present to defend themselves? Or worse, listening to someone vent to you (which is gossip) but rather than stopping it you open your ears to listen? Which in turn, opens the door for the demons to rush right on both of you, (the hearer and the listener)
shooting arrows of rejection, and betrayal, hitting the person you’re speaking about, which in turn hits, and wounds Jesus, your own spouse.
Do you still struggle with judgments—always having an opinion of people’s actions, how they look, what they say, or what they don’t do or should do—presuming to think that you know best, or way is better? Many of us have gotten past speaking these things out loud but what are you saying in your heart? All these things will be made bare before God and all of heaven when we stand before him very soon. So, what will your heart say? Will it condemn you or show your faithfulness to God and sincere love toward your brother?
I hope this is sobering for all you listening because that is my intention. The Lord is calling all his brides to a deep examination of conscience and even deeper repentance of these things and so much more. True Holiness is to embrace your misery and trust in God’s mercy to transform you into himself. But you must know who you are before God’s mirror and who you are not. Wholly embracing that and emptying yourself so that he can fill you with his love and righteousness in order that you may really reform your lives and change your ways. So that you will be found to be a worthy wife waiting and taken to be with her bridegroom when he comes.
Lord, I repent for our adulterous ways. Thank you so much for your patience with me. Thank you for your great mercy towards me that has shown my true state before you that I may change and serve you more perfectly. Blow on the embers of my heart, Lord, and turn all my affections back on you so that you may transform me wholly unto yourself. I lay myself at the altar again. Jesus, I am all yours, do with as you wish. ~ Amen.