Hello, brothers and sisters and Heartdwellers family. May you all be blessed.
Man, I had a hard fall from grace. Sunday, when we met together as a community for our time of worship, we always pull three cards from Mother Clare’s rhema file to see what the Lord has to say to us. I had been having a great week with the Lord and had been hearing his voice so I assumed my cards wouldn’t be too bad, but he gave me a doozy.
The first card said, “You are floating on the surface of life. Coins float on the surface, my Holy will is deeper”. The next said, “Learn to be selfless until the last drop.” The following card said, “Learn to overcome a critical and bitter spirit, and learn to minister in song”. The following said, “The Lord has chastised me but hasn’t delivered me unto death”. Then the last said, “You are least of all and last of all in the whole house, keep this attitude of heart and be faithful”.
I thought, “Whaaa?” The first card I felt indicated I wasn’t in the Lord’s will so I began to panic. Then I began to think, “Where was I being selfish? as every argument and defense came in my mind of how I make myself available to whatever is asked of me in the community. The card about a critical and bitter spirit just cut my heart and hurt me the most. I thought I had tried so hard to love and forgive others despite the hurt done to me. Does he not see my efforts? I tried to be cool during the meeting because I could feel the anger rising up and resentment of those words. I just couldn’t see it and before the meeting, I was struggling with an offense from the past and was asking the Lord to help me forgive and thought, could that be it? I talked to Mother Clare later that evening to confess my sin of anger at the Lord’s words and my attitude during the meeting. I tend to always hide my emotions and feelings in the community and Mother Clare has asked me to be honest about how I am feeling. However, I want to learn how to suffer well, and I don’t always do that, and when I do share my feeling I find myself being misunderstood, judged, or admonished because I shouldn’t be too sensitive, which makes me feel worse than I did before.
So the following morning I woke up with my heart still hurting pretty bad as I cried and cried before the Lord. Resentment and bitterness showed up. I couldn’t even do the Lord’s supper because there was so much in my heart as past pains were brought up. So I decided to vent it all out and be honest, very honest with Jesus because I literally could not go on any longer this way.
I began to write… Now looking back, putting this message together, I realize I threw a tantrum like a child in my self-pity, and it went something like this.
“Lord where do I even began? I’m unable to do the Lord’s supper because I am hurting so badly inside. When I talked to Mother Clare yesterday it was nice, but I realize I didn’t get to the root of my problem or my pain. The pain I have in my heart is wondering what to do with my emotions, my feelings. When to be honest about them and when to give them to you. I realized I hold so much in my heart from all the pain I have incurred these past two years and I would like to think I have let everything go, but I haven’t.
I feel I can’t express myself freely concerning how I feel because either I am admonished by you or others. When I shared with the group yesterday, how I was confused about my rhemas, my heart began to hurt as all these thoughts of resentment and accusation bombarded me. It left me so disengaged for the remainder of the meeting, and a comment was made that I wasn’t being honest with how I felt. I was being very honest because I was struggling and confused. Then, when I have shared my feelings of being overwhelmed with the work in the community and the demands you were making on me to also work on my ministry, I was admonished by others not to complain and by you to be least of all, and last of all, and to be selfless. Then in the past when I was hurt by things Derrick did and I expressed my feelings to him, he too would get angry, defensive and therefore cause me to shut down how I was truly feeling. Then when I shared with you the hurt I feel, by how a brother in the community continues to treat me with coldness and irritation when I have done nothing to him. I prayed for him instead. But then, I get the rhema the very next day about having a critical and bitter spirit. When I compare myself to others in the community it feels like you’re more lenient with them.
When others hurt me, you are always calling me to carry my cross, say nothing, vent to no one, but I realized I have carried all that pain in my heart, and I’m tired, I’m tired of trying to love and even fearful of being honest about how I feel because I think I am going to get admonished by you or others. So I realize, that is why I don’t share my emotions, true feelings with anyone because I fear; is it the right thing to do by you? And also, what will others think? Because I am always left misunderstood, being called out for being too sensitive, or left still hurting within. Lord, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to walk in virtue, I’m tired of loving if I can be honest. I have nothing left Lord. Pleaseee… I need your wisdom and guidance. Show me the error of my ways and how to reconcile this attitude moving forward. Please, Lord! I feel like the actor from the Anchor Man movie. Lord help me, I am in a cage of emotions!! … I digress… Guys, I am a hot… mess… I literally told that to Jesus.
“My beloved dove, I am here. Thank you for expressing yourself in all honesty about how you feel. I understand and I love and care for you deeply, and care very much for how you feel. I am growing you, My little one, in much maturity, and in brotherly love which has been the cry of your heart, has it not?”
“Yes, Lord, it has. But I’m hurting, and not sure what to do. Do I really have a critical and bitter spirit?”
“Well, you tell me beloved, are you quick to presume, to react, to judge, get angry, and resentful when others hurt you, or things don’t go your way?”
I said, “Well, Lord, yeah. I mean, there are times when I feel those things rising in me, but immediately, I do call out to you and say, “Jesus, I trust You, Jesus, I trust You, Jesus, I trust You!”
And Jesus continued…
“Yes beloved, you do, but not often enough. And anytime you respond negatively to anything I allow; a bitter root takes place. A seed of resentment falls in your heart, My beloved one, and I want your heart to be pure love for Me and your brother. I want you to know that in this life, many times, many, many times you will be misunderstood even by the ones you love. Was I not misunderstood often? not only by my disciples but even by family members. It was my Mother who understood my ways and the workings of the Father that is why she submitted in resignation to everything He allowed. So that is a cross I have gifted you with, beloved, so that you can resemble Me more. I know it’s not easy, but I am with you. I want to teach you and others about transparency, honesty about feelings, and emotions, and most importantly, trusting them all to Me.
You see, beloved ones, I am God, but also a Man full of emotions. That is why I desire to be intimate with my creation. I have needs too, only each of you can fulfill. The nature of love is to humble oneself in this way, to be full of emotions, and be vulnerable. So I am very well acquainted with feelings and emotions. You all are created in My image, and without feelings and emotions, you become robots. That is not what I desire or had in mind. So I first, want to say emotions, and feelings are good. Many times they are indicators as to what is going on in your heart. However, I want to teach my people, and my brides, not to lean on your emotions and feelings. That will lead you to your flesh ruling and reigning in your life, rather than my Spirit leading you. And He desires to be master of your emotions and feelings.
You see, My beloved ones, demons also have access to your emotions. They have electromagnetic powers that can affect your emotions. When you’re feeling fear, anxiety, irritation, impatience, sadness, depression, lust these are all valid emotions, but there is a demon behind it playing you up and setting you up for a fall or wanting to oppress you. That is why I am training you all in prayer to immediately call upon my name, binding the demons, and you will feel a release. Loose what you want to feel, peace, joy, gratitude, thanksgiving, that too has energy behind it, My spirit. So when you begin to feel the negative emotions don’t sit in it, or brood over what your feeling, but begin to bind these negative emotions, and the demons will go with them. That is why praise and worship is so powerful. Because in my presence, when you praise in the midst of your trials and your lack of feeling, the oppression lifts because the demons flee.
Now I want to address being transparent and honest about your feelings. There is a place for that, beloved one. Through Mother Clare, I have taught you the importance and even anointing transparency carries. For too long people in my church have been wearing masks covering deadly wounds with bandage scriptures and spiritual jargon that leave many souls wanting and many times more crippled than when they came. This idea of perfection has been created in my church that those walking with me shouldn’t have trials, trouble, or even struggles. So many continue on in their grave sins and vices they struggle with, but not wanting to confess it before anyone lest they are judged, feel ashamed, and worse not adequate enough as a believer. Or not spiritual enough and lacking faith. That is a lie Satan has formed, ever yet so subtle, but powerful in destroying so many souls and even ministers because of their lack of transparency. Oh, if only all would embrace their misery, see their nothingness, and love their nothingness, this trap would be avoided by many. That is what I want to teach all Heartdwellers, to see themselves in the light of My mirror which is pure truth, and not to recoil at the darkness you see standing before you. But should, in turn, cause you to love, trust, and turn to My Mercy instead.
However, with the times thick with demons, demons of condemnation take advantage of this and jump on so many souls like yourself who desire to please me. So when a correction is given, demons of condemnation are right on your coattails to cover you with their slime of guilt and shame in the process. Don’t allow it, my beloved ones. Trust and cling to My Mercy that will always sustain you through the taunts and lies they spew on you to keep you down. When someone hurts you, Beloved, I no longer want you to react, but act in patience and love, then come to Me. I will never admonish you about telling your true feelings to Me because I know them already.”
“But Lord, there are times when I am hurting, and I need and want a comforting word from you, and I get a rhema that hits me smack between the eyes and many times in the hurt Lord.”
“My beloved one, it is because I am calling you higher, much, much higher to not lean on how you feel, but to gain my perspective. Do I not always comfort you in worship when you come before Me?”
“Yeah, that is true, Lord, you do.”
“And the times when I remove consolation from you when you feel you are in need of my reassurance is to grow your hope even more in me and to grow your love, believe it or not. I treated many of my saints the same way, The Father treated me the same way, lest you forget my anguish in the garden and on the cross. In all of those times, although I knew I wasn’t forsaken, the Father made me experience those feelings so I would be a source of courage, example, and grace for you all when you were in moments of despair to not run from the Father’s will but to yield to it in great courage.
So, My beloved brides, many of you have been hurt by the words and actions of others, and many times you’re tempted to vent. There is a good side to venting because it gets things off your chest. But outside of venting to Me, it causes more harm than good, My dear ones. Remember, ‘Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.’ (Proverbs 29:11). I want you, to come to me, tell Me your worries, your fears, and your pain and allow Me to council and guide you, giving you My perspective so you don’t fall into judgment or bitterness.
My beloved brides, there are souls like this one, I have called to mother you, and will give light to your soul and what I am demanding of you. And there are times I remove the grace and consolation from any creature to help you because I want you to wait and solely rely on Me. In these moments, however dark, and alone you may feel, you are not and it’s precisely in this cross that you grow in quiet trust and confidence in Me. So when another situation arises you then will run and cling to Me, because you know I am faithful.
I am not asking for perfection, but I know your weakness. But I am asking and looking for perfection in your good intentions and in your willingness. You must remember that I suffer with you and in you and the more you are able to keep your sufferings and sacrifices for My eyes only and for all of Heaven, the more pleasing you are to Me and the more merit that is gained for you. Simply, the more you are transformed into my likeness, for I never uttered one complaint at the will of the Father and I want my brides to do the same. I will help you in this, all you must do is ask and rely more on Me. Not on another, not on your feelings, and not on your emotions. You are called to share in my suffering, My beautiful precious brides, and giving you real emotions and feelings, give you the opportunity to choose to react or choose to act like Me.
Trust Me and when you come to me, I will tell you the right time to share how you feel. I will prepare the hearts of those who have caused the offense to be opened to hear and understand you. There will be other times I want you to leave your feelings and pain with Me and I will act on your behalf and touch their hearts to come forward with conviction and apology. In all of these things, you must trust Me because the devils play on your emotions and your buttons, many times when you react. When both parties’ buttons are pushed it becomes a source of contentions and strife. Trust Me, wait on Me, and give me your feelings and emotions, My little doves, so you can walk in honesty and purity before men and all of Heaven.”
At the point I wanted to ask when you are suffering, and you want to offer it to the Lord, but someone asks are you okay? Do you tell them the truth to be honest or you keep it to yourself because you want to suffer in silence? Because I tend to say I am always okay when sometimes I am not so I asked him,
“Lord what if someone asks me are you okay, but I am not, but I don’t want to share my sufferings with others? Because I say that a lot and truly, I am not okay.”
“Well you can say, I am struggling today but the Lord will help me through it and if it‘s someone you are struggling with. you can say to them. ‘I am struggling but let’s find some time to talk about it later. So it gives you time to seek me, wait on me, and not react.”
That was the end of Jesus’ message.